What's on your mind right now?

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I've told you before that people don't find me interesting to talk to, so they don't talk to me. You've challenged me on that, but you've kinda proven me right. By refusing to talk to me. And by telling me my texts are a chore.

If they didn't like talking to you but they told you otherwise, they essentially teased you. They teased me, too. If I wanted to be helpful to them, how would I even tell them that? But that's what happened, isn't it? They told you how interesting and fun you were to talk to, but basically didn't talk to you. Right?

You may never have figured out why this bothered you so much. It took me a long time to figure it out. I blamed myself for being uninteresting, which is bad enough, but it was actually worse, because it amounted to teasing.

wondering where my secret admirer is

No more crackers left.

So...
I really consume like 2 boxes a month. Mostly to cope with not having sweet snacks for weeks.
Stupid sensitive body won't let me eat a lot of things without messing my cognition.

I'll either... Keep buying those boxes for as long and as much as I want.
Or, learn how to ration a box.

Or... Understand this... If it's sensory seeking-accustomed to a set of saturated sensation or a particular gustatory habit of mine.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm making decent progress on my to-do list for the day. I got round one of my bills paid, got through the dishes, made the tortillas, cleaned up the back hall, got that email sent, and got the phone call made. I should collect my medical bills and figure out how much damage the last round of tests did to my finances, but I don't think I have that in me today. The phone, email and scheduling crap in general was enough stress on my plate for the day. I left the to-do list intentionally short today in case that overwhelmed me and decided I'd kinda just see how the day played out and go from there. The only remaining actual chore I planned to complete today is the little downstairs bathroom. That should be easy enough and done in five minutes. I'm not sure what else to do with the day. I know I still want to run and do arm day, but that still leaves a ton of time. I think I might clean up the one upstairs bedroom a bit and see what all is in there. I know I have some old (like from the 1800s old) family photos in a box up there and I keep meaning to go through those and organize it better for my kids/grandson so that when I'm dead, they'll be better able to know who is who and how they're related to them, and so on. Maybe I'll do that with the later part of the day. I know I want a mellow afternoon/evening. I might order some plum wine and paneer makhani to. I'm not sure if I want to spend the money though what with the medical bills and such. We'll see.

Uncanny. ^

I did almost the exact same things today. The little bathroom. One upstairs bedroom. Lots of bills. The front hall. One big phone call. Sorted old photos from the 1800s which weren't already in an album. Realised I should write on the backs because my kids won't ever be arsed to connect the pictures with my other notes to figure out who is who. I'll have to do that on a day where I'll have patience for nice handwriting. I've printed out ancestry charts but they won't know which name goes where. I'm going light on spending too. Still to do: Getting boxes from outside in the garage, to return things. It's raining so I can't be bothered. I might light the fireplace instead.

^ I guess it's one of those days?

That's it though. I'm concerned my kids wouldn't put my notes with the pics and by the time someone came along who cared, there would be no one left alive who could help and say, oh yeah, this is so and so and this is how they are related to you. I'm facing a similar problem now. My grandma is long gone and my dad is clueless about who these people are. Were it not for my great great grandma's notes and me muddling through trying to figure out from those who is who, no one else would. And it's not an easy task figuring out things like who 'Aunt Mary' is. I have no one left to ask. At this point, I am the old relative you go to when you need to know something about family history.





Mostly right now I'm thinking about a call I got from my daughter today. She's excited because she's upped her exercise game and it has her feeling really good, both mentally and physically. On the one hand, I get it. I really do. I know how good I feel when my body can be active...I get this energy and sleep better and eat better and I know she's reaping those benefits and I'm excited for her. I know how good she's feeling physically and that is awesome.

But it was cool because she's doing this stuff for the right reasons. She's struggled with weight her whole life and a lot of the time when she exercises a lot it's because of that...the weight and that alone. Over the last couple years as she'd aged, her mindset has shifted. Today she didn't give a damn about how all of her efforts would make her look. She was happy because of how it makes her feel and how it will help her in her life and achieving her goals in the sport she's playing... that's where her focus was. And that made my day. I am so proud of her. She's got this.

It mighta been worth a phone call, as*hole husband or not. If it's not worth that, then you don't get to be annoyed at my solution. I don't have to make this easy for anybody.

I’m pretty sure I just fractured a rib.
I’ve done it before.

F***

Yeah, a sad react ought to just about cover it. All better.

last week, thursday friday saturday, shoes wet
this week, monday and wed and thurs, shoes wet

six out of six pairs of shoes wet

today went to REI and wasted way too much cash on four new pairs of shoes

podiatrist recommended shoe brands for foot pain

feet hrrt like f**k. massage, dumbbbell rubbing under feet, doesn't seem to "help".

plenty of people work standing jobs. more hours than me. they are not all healthy, young, and underweight. how do they do it?

even in that building, plenty of idiots much heavier and older than my worthless corpse.

sometimes my feet hrrt so much i wanna quit my dumpsterfire "job" and live on welfre.

rain forecasted nine out of ten upcoming days. s**t.

looked up how to dry wet shoes on internet. but do not want to damage my dryer. the central heater doesn't work in house. space heater barely gets hot (could touch for ten seconds without feeling too hot).

monday, have to put wet shoes in laundromat and loiter around waiting for them to dry.

what a waste of time, cash, and energy.

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nothing to look forward to doing.

every day, is like, maintenance. chores, dumpsterfire "job", and other ret*d forms of BS.

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jim keeps emailing me to get a counselor. maybe i will just stop answering. been writing long letters, like seven pages, about my shipwreck "life". but maybe he didn't read them. and he's the only one i sent them to. so WTF ever, s**t.

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dena hasn't answered my e-mail for about four weeks. f**k that b***h.

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Feeling cheated out of life by my ASD and the ways it affects me. Trapped in a world that has no place for me, in which I cannot function independently.

My boobs look lopsided from the swollen rib.

I really want my passion for life back. I've been so worn down.