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Sit very close to your potential friend, tell them to stop whatever they are doing, and then tell them all the good things about yourself. Oh, and remember to talk loudly!

My girlfriend drinks too much alcohol. What should I do?

Don't join her drinking and have mutual drunk induced bedroom cuddling.

Instead, take advantage of the situation by offering her as a sacrifice to a powerful demon in order to grant you one wish.

Just wish for ultimate power, and defeat a space super wizard guardian from the nth dimension because you want bragging rights.



How to not step on a lego.

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Sell all your children and toys. Simple!

How do you introduce yourself to a potential employer during interview?

By listing all the negative things about the potential employer. They'll be impressed by your insight.

How can I get rid of the aphids in my garden?

Flame throwers are particularly effective.

How can I get my car moving?

Offer him lower rent elsewhere.

How to raise the spirits?

With an Ouija board.

How do I fix my TV?

With duct tape and hot glue.

Who gives the best motivational talks?

Marvin the robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

What should I cook for dinner today? Something filling.

Sautéed Mercury

Where's a good place to hide money?

I'll come around and show you where to bury it in your garden.

What should I give to my wife for her upcoming birthday?

A divorce. Make her pay for it, too.


What should I read today?

Men's room graffiti.

Where should I hide from the police?

In my snug. *Will PM directions*


Finish the lyric:

It's Beginning to Look A Lot ______ ___________ .

... Like Lobster.


Where's your motivation?

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Your motivation is like my motivation, it was motivated to get up and leave.

What should I put into my garden next?