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18 May 2023, 6:37 pm

Fairfield wrote:
I am really tempted to buy a gun, which is probably the point where I should tell someone IRL I'm suicidal and pretty much ready to kill myself, before I can, y'know, go to the next step, get a gun and end up set on killing myself. No one really took me seriously when I said I wanted to KMS a month ago though and started treating me like s**t again pretty quick, so I'm not wasting my f*****g energy doing that. If people do that again it's going to hurt again and I'll 100% just kill myself anyways, so what's the point.


Yeah, you have great insight at the moment and telling someone IRL would be a very good idea just in case you lose insight and get carried away with the intrusive thoughts and planning (easily done, I've been there).

As for what's the point, the point is you shouldn't let these people treating you like s**t win.


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18 May 2023, 6:57 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
{{{ FF }}} How can I help you?

I honestly don't really think anyone can "help" me at this point since I've basically given up on "helping" myself, which is why all I can think about lately is getting a gun and planning what I'll do with it. I'm so tired of trying to keep myself alive, and with things always getting worse and me somehow never even hitting "rock bottom" so things can only get better from there. It's like there's no limit and things are only going to continue to get more s**t until I finally give in and die.



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18 May 2023, 6:59 pm

Can I help you talk to your family, or talk to a crisis centre?

You matter to me and I'll do what it takes.


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18 May 2023, 7:06 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Fairfield

What kind of problems are going on for you that makes you consider suicide?

Almost all of the counselors I have gone to, acted like, the correct answer to "how are you doing?" is "perfect". All other answers are wrong and the punishment for a wrong answer is 5150.

I feel constantly intensely empty inside, and when I don't feel empty I feel severe anxiety and have panic attacks. The only thing that makes being awake bearable is being drunk and/or high. I can't even escape it by sleeping since at this point I constantly have nightmares about being molested/raped, being abused, and me doing terrible s**t to other things that I'd never do. I'm pretty much sleep deprived all the time now because I'm honestly scared to sleep and can't get back to bed after I have a f****d up dream. I'm also 100% f*****g up my liver by drinking, and I keep trying to stop drinking and keep failing at that too. I also have pretty much no meaningful or intimate relationships with anyone and never really have, since every time I try to get close to someone they push me away. Even my own immediate and extended family does that s**t and I'm sick of it.



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18 May 2023, 7:10 pm

Fairfield, can you remember what has helped in the past in getting you out of your current mindset. Things will obviously seem worse when you are feeling low. Did you have a chance to look at the website link I posted, did STOPP help in any way?


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18 May 2023, 7:16 pm

Fairfield wrote:
I'm pretty much sleep deprived all the time now because I'm honestly scared to sleep and can't get back to bed after I have a f****d up dream.


Sleep deprivation is going to f**k with everything your mind does, you should try and get a medical professional to address this issue first as it makes everything else worse.


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18 May 2023, 7:18 pm

I think calling a crisis line is a really good idea. They might be able to give you more options than we could.



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18 May 2023, 7:22 pm

MD had the same issue for years, FF. It was an actual fear of sleep which started in her childhood and persisted until about a year ago. She used to have panic attacks when the sun went down because she was so scared of being vulnerable (asleep), combined with FOMO and a phobia of nightmares but also regular dreams. Regular dreams were scary to her because of the loss of reality or control. This was a condition I'd never heard of before, so now you're the second person. She is also PTSD and ADHD etc. I say this just so you know you aren't alone in being afraid of sleep or nightmares, or having panic attacks at night. We're alone with our thoughts at night so I understand how your anxiety acts up.

I agree with Ferr that it's important to deal with your sleep deprivation first and foremost. Lack of sleep can really mess with our minds and cause us to be even more hypervigilant than usual about danger or despair.


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18 May 2023, 7:29 pm

Quote:
She used to have panic attacks when the sun went down because she was so scared of being vulnerable (asleep), combined with FOMO and a phobia of nightmares but also regular dreams. Regular dreams were scary to her because of the loss of reality or control.

I struggled with that, too, from my childhood up until a few years ago. It’s a really difficult thing to live with.



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19 May 2023, 5:02 pm

My folks are going camping for a five day weekend.

PARTAAAAAAAAAAAY!! !


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19 May 2023, 7:47 pm

Trying so, so, so hard to not drink. I have a lot of vodka left and I have the urge to get really, really drunk while my aunt is gone. I keep going to just pour it out so I can't drink, but I can't get myself to. I'm scared of not having it around, and having to be sober if I start panicking or can't sleep.



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19 May 2023, 8:10 pm

^ Distract yourself but not at Aspiegaming's house :lol:

Pssssst! Party at Aspiegaming's house pass it on :mrgreen:

Image


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19 May 2023, 9:18 pm

Reconnection.

Expansion.

I only have 2 days left before declaring what I have in mind in this forum.


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20 May 2023, 4:30 pm

I have no idea what to do with my pocket knives w/o just telling someone I'm struggling to not hurt myself really bad with them right now and having them take them. :|



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20 May 2023, 4:33 pm

^ You should really tell someone if you're struggling.

Failing that, could you lock them away and ask someone to look after the key for you?


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20 May 2023, 6:44 pm

Recidivist wrote:
^ You should really tell someone if you're struggling.

Failing that, could you lock them away and ask someone to look after the key for you?

I don't really have anything I could lock them in. At this point I'm considering just chucking them into the woods behind my house. Most of them don't properly close though so I don't want an animal or something to find one and get hurt. I'm just nervous about telling anyone because I'm still scared they'll call 911 and try to get me committed.