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Your dog is possessed.
I suggest exorcism.


How does one perform exorcism?

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On a treadmill, running quickly while lifting heavy weights at the same time.

How should I start an exercise routine?

Crab walking into the wall and into the ceiling.
Dangle yourself with your hair (not necessarily head hair) for hours...
Balancing your whole body weight with a very thin stick.

Also drink gallons of acetone, bricks and silicone before working out.



How to cook scrambled eggs?

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First you need to mix the eggs thoroughly, to do this put the eggs inside a flask and drop it from the 20th floor of a building taking care not to hit any passerby. Then to cook them, place the contents into a pan and take it to your local steel works and ask them to put it in the furnace for thirty minutes. Job done. Enjoy.

How do I open this tin of baked beans?

First heat it in microwave. Then it should open itself.

Where are you planning your vacations?

The "Off the Wall" forum is a good place for a vacation.

Where can I take my wife for her birthday?

To the toilet so that she can have a quiet time by herself there.

How do I make boiled eggs?

Squeeze a hen very hard and she will produce some eggs. Then place the eggs into a pan full of hot cooking oil and boil for three days, stirring frequently.

What can I do tomorrow that is exciting?

Wake up seven minutes later than usually. (I hope you can endure the emotions)

What should I grow on my balcony?

Instead of growing mould, you could grow a leylandii conifer. It will give you and your neighbours years of pleasure to look at.

Where should I drive to tomorrow, somewhere different?

How about driving your wife crazy?

How many wives should a man have?

Zero. He should have a husband for a change.

How would you like your steak?

Driven through the heart of a vampire.

Should I fly away on holiday?

Only your left foot. The rest should stay home.

When is the best time for vacuum cleaning?

While in space of course and the vacuum is free.

My dog has rolled in something stinky. How should I clean him?

Soak it in bleach.

My girlfriend eats too much. What should I do?