What's on your mind right now?

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Edna3362
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06 Apr 2024, 2:36 pm

At the moment, I'm sure I'm not really happy.
I can choose otherwise; but I'm not doing that right now.

At least it's an unhappiness that I can control, an unhappiness that I can confront without worrying about losing control, an unhappiness that I can accommodate and reason to.

An unhappiness that I no longer impulsively judge...

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babybird
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06 Apr 2024, 2:43 pm

Yeah I'm not even sure what happiness is tbh

But then I'm not sure what unhappiness is either but I reckon out of the two if you took my whole life into account I'd probably score higher with unhappy rather than happy but that's only if you did a tick list because in reality I struggle to actually pin either extreme down

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Edna3362
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06 Apr 2024, 3:06 pm

babybird wrote:

For most of my life, I know my emotions are not exactly the norm.

It's usually in extremes, with several layers. Most of which have it's own repercussions.
My emotional wick is soaked with gas; so when it's lit, it doesn't go through stages -- it goes all at once.

No chance to regulate, let alone have a choose how to react, and it drags itself.
Had enough with people accusing me to not stopping and drop the damn thing off like some immature brat.

But I always, always know better... That something is just wrong.

Now, it's no longer the case. And I will say it again; this is how I want to experience emotions. And I'm still exploring it. And I would like to -- and I while it will take a while, I will have a way easier time.

If I were a less resilient person, if I didn't knew any better deep down -- I'd probably ended up mentally ill; and with the amount of energy I had to put on struggling to control my reaction knowing how wrong it is.

... To a point that I disallow affective empathy; because it leads into some form of dysregulation, in which leads to some form of helpless exploitation.
I do not want that.

Now there's no more dysregulation anymore.
I can control the reactions without putting a good fraction of my energy forcing myself from doing something stupid or 'predictively' swaying one or the other.

I can now be as empathically affective as I want.

All without the damnable consequences and the stupid slippery slopes that will bring my head and internal world easily into less welcoming places and mindsets.

This means, no more destructive crap.
No more 'over reactivity'.
No more 'over sensitivity'.

I can now just learn and move on from whatever unpleasant crap. No more beating myself up for 'knowing any better' yet unable to act upon it.

In a way...
I'm grieving for the time and opportunities I lost over the cacophonic fights inside me.

If my body wants to cry -- I can choose when and where now instead of some child who cannot wait and hold on.
If my body wants to laugh, be angry, be jealous...

All of it. I no longer HAD to forcibly resist because of being in the wrong time, in the wrong place, for going for the 'wrong reasons'...

To intentionally trigger me is easy; it's just the matter of how I choose it.
It's no longer the other way around.

This is what I want.
And I'm still learning. No more helplessly "struggling" over already knowns -- instead I'm experimenting, exploring...
No matter how painful, it's how I imagined it. Just the way how I like to experience and live in it.

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babybird
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06 Apr 2024, 4:04 pm

Wow well best of luck on your new self exploration Edna. It sounds like an adventure your going on

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06 Apr 2024, 4:21 pm

Did people exist before chickens

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Edna3362
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06 Apr 2024, 4:26 pm

babybird wrote:

Wow well best of luck on your new self exploration Edna. It sounds like an adventure your going on

It is.

Like losing my maladaptive daydreams...
My ego is also way quieter. :lol:

No more 'shy-arrogance-pretend-awkwardness-wannabeaboveit'. No more fighting two emotional conflicting crap and wasting my energy in it.

I can choose to mask whenever I want now; without fighting my pride.
Unlike lifetime alexithymics, I don't need to pretend and mask with faking emotions. I have the upper hand of being 'very expressive'; I don't need to smile or even contort my whole face.

I can control the way my eyes express feelings.
And while eye contact is not relevant to me; I'm not afraid of it. Now combine with all of this and my 'social experiences'... :lol:

Ah, so many choices yet I still don't know what to do with.

And this is how some autistics 'had it easier', may judge their emotional and socially longing counterparts -- especially NTs...

Or, not judge; will try to rationally explain but won't have the whole picture but will try to understand nonetheless; in a relatively way less reactive manner all the same.
Usually are AuDHD, but without the intense emotionality that came with ADHD but may have the longing sociality...

Oh and this also confirms that I do not have any possible chance of ADHD.
Those with ADHD struggles more with BCs on top of their psych issues, let alone with autism.

Heck -- I even may even not have a psych issue at all.
That most of my issues are indeed physical, biochemical...
Just like how I deduced, believed, concluded.

It's even possible that I may never need psych meds to begin with.

When all I need was one of the cheapest OTC birth control pills...

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06 Apr 2024, 4:26 pm

babybird wrote:

Did people exist before chickens

Yes. Chickens were domesticated from red junglefowl about 8,000 years ago. People have been around much longer.

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babybird
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06 Apr 2024, 4:33 pm

This is why I love the world. It just keeps inventing new produce

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babybird
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06 Apr 2024, 4:41 pm

I don't think I've ever owned an item of clothing that says dry clean only on the label

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06 Apr 2024, 4:45 pm

Is Miguel and Michael the same name but in a different language

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Edna3362
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06 Apr 2024, 5:00 pm

Sleep issues are not that new to me.

Let's see...
Lemon balm only gave me about 2-3 hrs. And it wasn't so deep.

Let's see if actual sleepiness kicks in later in the day.
Either fasting didn't worked, or I would had to abuse caffeine for a while and go n24 until it accumulates into a more desired schedule.

Oh! Oh!
The heat like tension at the back of my head that reaches through the back of my neck.

It's this chronic unreasonable, unfounded pseudo-frustration I feel since childhood...

I still hadn't able to figure how to solve this 'major bit', really.
I tried everything with it before; calming down, going rowdy and hyperactive, straight up violence, sob stories, jokes and memes, talking about it, putting ice on it -- just about anything...

And nothing.
Except distracting myself from it. Costs me so much time and so much money trying to get away from it.

It is now reduced into some form of subtle head symptom that resembles like a hot flash and feels like a form of high blood pressure that's only exclusively at the lower back of my head that can extend at the base of my neck...

Minus all the aggression, subtle hurt, the 'hunger' and the seemingly feeling of helplessness.
All source of my involuntary narcissism and 'immaturity'.

Still don't know how I accomodate it.

What happens if I ignore it for so long after being unable to?

Since not ignoring it doesn't work, distracting myself from it doesn't make go away... It only randomly goes away; and it happens way less often than not.
Like, for every 3 or so months I have a day worth of it. Too bad it's almost never a day long consecutively.

Now I have the real power and ability to ignore it...
Hmmmmm...

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Last edited by Edna3362 on 06 Apr 2024, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

funeralxempire
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06 Apr 2024, 5:01 pm

babybird wrote:

Is Miguel and Michael the same name but in a different language

Yes.

Likewise, Stefan, Stephan, Steven, Estevan, Stefano, Stefcho, Étienne, İstefanos, István, Ixtebe and Esteban are all the same name.

babybird
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06 Apr 2024, 5:05 pm

Yessss I guessed something right!

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CockneyRebel
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06 Apr 2024, 6:50 pm

The cold weather that's been going on in my neck of the woods this spring so far.

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06 Apr 2024, 7:52 pm

When I think of something really embarrassing, I always want to share it on WP. It’s like a compulsion.

babybird
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07 Apr 2024, 3:01 am

I love porridge me. It's like wallpaper paste except you can eat it

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