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It has green eyes. You must be colour blind.

Why is grass red?

Radish blood. With my kitchen knife.
Or, it's just the ran over tomatoes and the alien janitors were just lazy.

How does one make ketchup out of bananas?

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You must find the elusive and rare Red Banana. Cross pollinated with a tomato these rare bananas must be carefully harvested because they will burst. Once you've plucked one, just stick it in a blender on the puree setting.

How many birthdays are in a year?

Around 8 billion, one for each person on Earth. Far more if you include animals too.

What gift will I receive for my birthday?

1457 free days in a year. Blame the leap years for the number.

Why does it take too long to let the cold pass?

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Customs holds everything up. Maybe the cold didn't have a visa or a problem with its passport.

Why does a ghost live in this room?

Someone accidentally broke a bottle of spirits there.

What's this stinking thing in my oven?

How many times must I tell you? An oven is NOT a substitute for a garbage disposal so stop burning your garbage in it.

Why do crawdads look like tiny little lobsters?

Lobsters migrate to freshwater ponds to reproduce. Crayfish are baby lobsters.

What book should I read next?

Dantes Inferno, might as well read up on where we are all going soon.

What movie should I watch next?

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5375100/

Is it a good moment to buy a new oven?

^ That was actually a good film. Enjoyed that. Thank you.

Better to buy an outdoor barbecue this time of the year to enjoy the weather.

Why are there lots of police cars going past my house this morning with their flashing lights and sirens?

It might have something to do with the tunnel from your basement to the jeweler's store. Oh, and better hide the body.

Why are trees leafless now?

American airforce has been spraying agent orange into the atmosphere to defoliate all the trees. Don't eat the leaves as they are toxic.

Why has Twitter become so crap?

It has been eaten, digested and... removed. It's the natural cycle of food and crap is what becomes of it after the process.

I slept poorly tonight. What should I do now?

To help keep you awake today I suggest you take a double dose of laxatives, they will help to keep you alert.

What do I need to make carbonara sauce?