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Hopetobe
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02 Oct 2012, 5:15 pm

An Arabian guy at the airport:
-Name?
_Ahmed al-Rhazib
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no...I mean male or female?
-Male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
-But isn´t that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style.
-Oh dear!
-No, deer run too fast.



Tequila
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02 Oct 2012, 5:39 pm

My gay neighbour Pete has recently been taking hormone tablets to make him more feminine.

"How's it all going?" I asked him this morning, on his way to work.

"No difference yet, Dave," he replied, as he reversed into my car and drove off.



Tequila
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02 Oct 2012, 5:42 pm

Went to a salsa class last night.

I looked a right idiot when I turned up with a big bag of Doritos.



BlueElephantKing
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14 Oct 2012, 1:44 pm

What's a lumberjack's favorite instrument?
AXAPHONE!



Tequila
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16 Oct 2012, 11:19 pm

Apparently when you spend £5 on a coffee in Costa you get a free mug.

Just stop by the nearest mirror to see it.

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On my first day in prison I was taking a shower when I noticed a bar of Dove lying on the floor.

Some big black guy said, "Hey, where's the soap?"

I said, "I'll be buggered if I know."

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Poland v England tonight, live from Olympic Stadium, Warsaw.

It will be very interesting to see which set of supporters travel back to England the happiest.

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If your religion is worth killing for, then please start with yourself.

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"So, Mr Adams," the lady at the jobcentre said, "after nearly 20 years in full time employment, you just decided to leave. May I ask why?"

"Well," I said, "I opened a Twitter account, and after about a week I decided that my whole career had been a total waste of time. So I left."

"And what was this career?" She asked.

"I was an English teacher."

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If you'd like to know more about bulimia, just do a Google search and see what it throws up.



Joe90
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17 Oct 2012, 3:50 pm

Why did the light fall in love with the switch?
It turns it on.


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Skilpadde
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17 Oct 2012, 4:45 pm

again_with_this wrote:
Vyacheslav wrote:
OK, I heard this in a Karl Krogstad movie short called 'Party Line'
Best told with one of those fake Chinese accents

A Chinese couple, the Wongs, are at the hospital to deliver Mrs. Wong's child.

The doctor, also Chinese, is surprised to deliver a blond, yellow-haired baby.

The doctor, scratches his head and says:

Aaaaa, there must have been an occident,

two Wongs do not make a white.


It reminds me of a joke kids used to say in school.

How do Chineese people name their kids?

They throw a quarter down the stairs and hear Ching, Chang, Chong.

:lol: that reminds of some funny jokes I learnt years ago, but they don't translate.
Speaking of chinese though, this one is good:


The Chinese invented paper in about 60AD. They invented printing before the year 650. There is evidence they had also invented gunpowder before 1044AD, and the iron compass around the time of Christ.
When do you think they'll get around to the knife & fork?


Quote:
there is a joke about 3 tortoises at a picnic that i found hilarious but i currently can not recall it.

Was it this one?

Quote:
3 tortoises (Michael, Alan and Les), decide to go on a picnic. Michael packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
when they get there Michael unpacks the food and beer. he then says "Les, give me the bottle opener."
"i didn't bring it," says Les. "i thought you packed it."
Michael gets worried and he asks Alan, "did you bring the bottle opener??"
Alan didn't bring it, so they are stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Michael and Alan ask Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat the sandwiches while he is gone.
after a few hours, and after they have sworn on their lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. so Les sets off down the road back to get the bottle opener.
20 days pass, and he still isn't back and Michael and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
another five days pass, and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
finally, they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to bite it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"


It's cute. This too:

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station


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BOLTZ 17/3 2012 - 12/11 2020
Beautiful, sweet, gentle, playful, loyal
simply the best and one of a kind
love you and miss you, dear boy

Stop the wolf kills! https://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeact ... 3091429765


JoeDirt
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19 Oct 2012, 10:43 am

From my son:



What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef



What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef



:D



Joe90
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20 Oct 2012, 3:54 pm

I love these kinds of jokes (I made them up myself):-

Who wrote ''Looking through a telescope''?
Seymour View

Who wrote ''Women in love''?
Amanda Hugg

Who wrote ''The operation''?
Anna Settic

Who wrote ''Exercising''?
Ben Dover

Who wrote ''Small flowers?''
Dan Delion

Who wrote ''The addictive chemical''?
Nick Atine

Who wrote ''Stalking''?
Will U. Clearoff

Who wrote ''Not dead yet''?
Stella Live

Who wrote ''Another week over''?
Sundae Night

Who wrote ''Where did the spider go?''?
Sonya Back

Who wrote ''Energy drink''?
Luke O'Zade

Who wrote ''Pain won't go''?
Scott Worse

Who wrote ''Large animals''?
Ellie Phants

Who wrote ''Happiness''?
Dee Light

Who wrote ''Tall animals''?
G. Raff

Who wrote ''A man committing suicide''?
Willie Dewit

Who wrote ''Winter festival''?
Chris Mass

Who wrote ''Late for work''?
Misty Train

Who wrote ''Babysitting''?
B. Good

Who wrote ''Goodbye''?
Maisie U. Agen

Who wrote ''Very late''?
Dee Lay

Who wrote ''Raffel tickets''?
Tom Bola

Who wrote ''Bad skin''?
Dan Druff

Who wrote ''Being shocked''?
Mike Od

Who wrote ''Animations''?
Carr Toons

Who wrote ''Falling out of the window''?
Ileen Dout

Who wrote ''Very painful''?
Hugh Jake

Who wrote ''Impatience''?
Harry App

Who wrote ''Soft toys''?
Ted E. Bear

Who wrote ''Rain coat''?
Mack Intosh

Who wrote ''Being silly''?
Tom Foolery

Who wrote ''Behaving yourself''?
Curt Esy


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Skilpadde
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21 Oct 2012, 12:15 am

What did the snail say when it climbed on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeeee!! !



"It says here in the paper that some turtles can grow older than 100 years. I wonder how they do that."
"Well, it sure isn't due to jogging."



Two turtles crossing the road hit each other head on and were both knocked unconscious. The policeman who was summoned to investigate the accident tried to find a witness, but only found a snail nearby.
"Did you see the accident?" the officer asked. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"Yes I saw it" replied the snail, "but it all happened so fast !"



An English philosopher was visiting India, and was introduced to a holy man. The philosopher asked the Holy Man the nature of the world, and the old man replied, "Oh the world is a great big ball that sits on the great flat back of the Great World Turtle."
The Englishman of course asked "What does the turtle stand on?"
The seer replied "Why on the back of an even larger turtle of course!"
Then the Englishman asked "and what does THIS turtle stand on?"
The old man shook his head and sweetly smiled and said "it is no use my son, it is turtles all the way down!"


_________________
BOLTZ 17/3 2012 - 12/11 2020
Beautiful, sweet, gentle, playful, loyal
simply the best and one of a kind
love you and miss you, dear boy

Stop the wolf kills! https://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeact ... 3091429765


Joe90
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24 Oct 2012, 4:24 pm

Stop me if you heard this classic:-

A man was laying on the beach with a hat over his penis. A woman walked by with poor eyesight and said, ''if you were a fine gentleman, you would lift your hat'', to which the man replied, ''if you were a fine lady, the hat would lift itself.''


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