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^^^
and thank god that you are precisely "not man enough"

thanks yes, I agree

In truth all my efforts were born out of a desire to impress girls. For them I turned my whole life around. They took little notice. And still my life is better for the changes made.

At once they are both wonderful and terrifying. You have to remember, they're people, not puzzles or trophies. Living, thinking, feeling people. But that makes them even more wonderful and even more terrifying. That makes them even more of an enigma.

I got a job in hopes of impressing girls. I hope to get a girl to impress other men. I could use both to impress myself. What's the point? I could have a trophy job and a trophy wife, what would be served by such vainglory?

The struggle of my mind is the struggle between id and ego. At present the ego is winning. I got a job for my ego. I signed for night classes because I was one of the few people in the office without a degree. I would hope to get a girl just so I could keep up with everyone else (The Jones's are married of course). To satisfy my ego I have gone to great deal effort.

It was not always so. Five years ago, the id was winning. I sought only comfort and cared little for pride. I didn't work, I didn't study, I didn't make any effort to meet girls. I cared little for pride and little for keeping up with other people. Whereas now I berate myself for not having what others have, back then I took it as a plus that I was a nonconformist.

At present I regret the past, I berate myself to no end for the past. I say I was a fool. The problem with that is, I had very different goals in the past. Did I achieve the goals I set for myself at the time? Yes. But those goals where in direct supposition to my goals at present. Sometimes I forget how different I was back then. I shouldn't say I failed in my goals, I should say instead that I had different goals then.

Now as always, I am trapped in the battle between id and ego, one side or the upper may have the upper hand, but the losing side never disappears entirely. The superego should control both but it doesn't. Instead it serves them. Id and ego both have their own fears. Id fears discomfort and ego fears failure. Thoughts of past failures can be depressing but the worst depression comes when id and ego are in balance. A battle between two equally matched opponents.

Each has its own fear but the problem is they fear opposite things so if both forces are strong I end fearing every possible future scenario. I found it difficult to plan for the future because every plan would lead to either failure or discomfort. I felt like I was in a no-win scenario, a catch-22. I saw no way out. The bloodiest battles are always fought between equally matched opponents. I still fear discomfort but that fear is fading.

I may overcome such fears but to what end? I could achieve all this yet is achievement only for my pride? How is indulging my pride any better than indulging in idleness? From idleness I've made an idol of work, I've made idols of my peers, at once admiring and hating them. My greatest sin is to make an idol of myself.

So what's the point of anything? All I do is for either idleness or idolatry. For either comfort of pride. Are either of those worthy goals? Without those two goals, I wouldn't have any motives at all. What should motivate me?

^^^
you are learning to tolerate discomfort, that is a real achievement! I still flee from discomfort.

Well, when you it that way it doesn't sound so bad

^^^
yeh, that's the spirit

discomfort is soooooooooo discomforting?

^^^
well, I suppose that's it's primary job.

much to my dismay? ?

^^^
join the club.

I'm free on Tuesdays and Saturdays, when do they meet?

any time you want

town square meetings, my favorite!

It gets easier as time goes by. You get used to it.

When that happens you must increase your level of discomfort, after I got used to the job, I signed up for night classes. One subject at the moment, in a few weeks, two subjects.

I recently got my motorbike licence and am now actively seeking my next ride. I can't wait.