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The paedocypris progenetica.

Cookies and milk seem overdone. Do you think Santa would like cheese slices and Fanta instead?

As all little kids know, Santas are born with a genetic defect which renders them incapable of digesting anything except moo juice and toasted wheat circles. Anything else causes complete shutdown of the digestive tract followed by an agonizing death. What you're proposing is Santacide.

What should I do to someone I meet under the mistletoe?

You beat each other up with giant portions of festive baked hams.

What fun would it be to ride in a four horse open sleigh?

Watching them slip and fall on the ice might be interesting.

Why is the U.S. President's home, the White House, white?

The Brits demanded it be painted white in the Treaty of Ghent as a reminder of how they helped remodel it.

What was the first animal in space?

A rabid skunk.

What subject should kids be required to take in school that they aren’t already?

Cheese Studies 101

What would be an appropriate gift to give on the 97th day of Christmas?

An abacus.

What is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?

The great Atlantic garbage gyre, home to Behemoths, Krakens and a coconut palm.

If the sea level rises 20 metres, how far away would your nearest beach be, and would you need a boat to reach it?

The distance to the nearest beach wouldn't matter, I could catch a ride with a Kraken.

What is the next movie to come out that I will enjoy?

You will never, ever enjoy a movie again.

What movie should be made?

If you won't enjoy a movie again, no movies should be made anymore, cause what's the point. I've already sent petitions to Hollywood, Bollywood, Nollywood and any other woods I could think of.

Why won't you ever enjoy a movie again?

Because movies have been replaced with new technology that beams you right into the action. Unfortunately, you can get killed in the moments which will leave you brain dead in real life.

Who would you invite to your Christmas party?

Well, not me, obviously. I'm an Aspie and probably wouldn't enjoy the party.

What should you do to make sure Aspies can enjoy a party?

Turn the music to just above the level required to induce immediate hearing damage. A swarm of angry bees might help too, but those can be expensive.

Why don't ducks drive cars?

But they can. They just do it when there's no human traffic.

Why when I type cat, my phone autocorrects to car?