Make an extremely dark joke.

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So, a talent agent was sitting at his desk when a family walks in, a mom and a dad, their son, twin daughters and their pet duck.

The talent agent looks up, wipes some of the various fluids from his face and with a bemused expression asks, so uhh... whadya call your act?

The Aristocrats.

Remember Jared from Subway? It turns out his career ended the exact same way it started. He was trying to get into smaller pants.

Have you heard Colleen Ballinger's apology song? I think she was playing in A minor.

Don't even know who Colleen Ballinger is but the punchline explains what she gets up to.

The teacher was asking her students to come up to the chalk board and talk about something exciting that had happened to them on the weekend while drawing a picture. She was reluctant to call up little Johnny, because he could sometimes be very crude. But finally she did call him up. He went to the chalk board and with the chalk he made what looked like a small dot.

The teacher asked Johnny "What is that?"
"It's a period". He told her.
"What's so exciting about a period?" she asked.
"Danged if I know." Johnny replied. "But this weekend at breakfast time my big sister told us she has missed hers, and then my dad had a heart attack and my mom dropped the stack of pancakes she was carrying right on the floor!"

"Please can you please go commit suicide?" "You can do anything you set your mind to"

How do you get rid of a weasel?

Kick a German customer out of your store.

A genie tells a woman, "You get three wishes, but your ex-husband will get double the amount of whatever you wish for."

"I wish I had a billion dollars." The woman says. "Poof! You now have a billion dollars!" says the genie.
"I wish I had a mansion." The woman says. "Poof! You now have a mansion!" says the genie.
"Let me get this straight," The woman says. "My repulsive ex-husband gets double the amount of whatever I wish for, so does that mean he now has two billion dollars and two mansions?"
"That's right." says the genie.
The woman fumes with anger as she thinks about this.
"Okay, now I know what I want my third wish to be." she says. "I wish I was scared HALF to death! "

How do you solve world hunger and world poverty in one go?

Feed the poor to the hungry.

An old man and a young boy were walking through the woods on a cold, dark night.

The boy said to the old man "I'm scared out here in the cold dark woods."

The old man replied, "you're scared! I have to walk back out of here by myself!"

An optimist once asked me, "Do you see this glass of ice water as half-full or half-empty?"
I dumped it over his head and said, "Completely empty!"
Then I asked him, "Want to ask how I see this bottle of industrial-strength bleach?"

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

She screamed and screamed until her fingers went blue.

Why did Sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms...

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.

That's why the guitar teacher got arrested - for fingering A minor...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a barn. A farmer walks into the barn. The girls find sacks to hide in. The brunette says, "Cheap cheap." The redhead says, "Squeak squeak." The blonde yells, "Potato!"

What sucks and blows at the same time?

A couple shagging.