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I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Most people go to bed early in the week and stay up on the weekend. It's the other way around for me, for obvious reasons.

Considering going for a late night ride, but I'm not sure. Gas is low and I don't like stopping at any of the local gas stations late at night.

When Oracle took over Sun Microsystems and Sun Microsystems ceased to exist, it was like someone pulled out a gun and shot my Special Interest, my partner, my companion of 15 years to death and that left a huge void in my life and that kicked off the depression in my life. It took up pretty much all of my free time and then - nothing. Gone.

I felt lost for years and tried to find another Special Interest but nothing lasted more than 3 months.

My family was like, "How long is this one going to last?" until they realised, 3 months was it.

And then Myna birds stumbled upon me. Myna birds of ALL things.

As I've always said, you can't pick your Special Interests. They pick you.

I like virtual box back when sun had it, it sucks now.

But Qemu is god mode in virtualization anyway.

I actually wrote my own OS today, it was nothing really. Just a bootloader and a hello world app. I guess you could say its my second OS cause I wrote a bare metal OS for the Raspberry Pi that blinked some LEDs in various orders. Then I went into fantasy day dreaming about writing an OS from scratch and becoming famous like Bill Gates never mind the amount of work that would need to go into that but then woke up and realized I am idiot that can't do anything anyway.

I try to program and I can't do that right. I try to draw and be creative, I can't do that right. I try and play the guitar, I can't do that right. I guess I should be happy, cause if I could do something right I'd be dead.

God I have to stop posting here, I am depressing to listen to and I was tempted to get banned here anyway cause people were pissing me off.

I like this dude but screw his code, why in the hell would I make an OS in assembly? That'd take forever so I stole his boot loader and created the actually program or kernel if you will in C.

You think you're a failure? I've owned a bass guitar, 2 acoustic electrics and 2 fenders and I can't even play guitar.

It's just like my Special Interest in rock climbing. I owned literally thousands of dollars worth of equipment but I was afraid of heights and never actually went rock climbing.

I get all enthused and then, I've collected more stuff and information than I know what to do with but I can't throw it out or sell it for sentimental reasons.

ImAnAspie there is a pattern in my life that I am actually executing right now by being here. I try to be social, I screw up, I go suicidal, rinse and repeat. I think I have reached the status here I have at all my jobs and at college. I am hated and people view me as some kinda risk or threat to be eliminated. Eventually I'll get banned and outcasted from society but this time I don't know that I'll care.

So as a matter of fact, I do think I am a failure. Look at who and what I am. I live on disability on god only knows how many drugs. You couldn't fail harder if you tried. I lived homeless on the street and in jail because I don't know how to survive around people. I don't know when to bite my tongue and when to tell people to go to hell. Thats a problem but I am about at the point everyone can go to hell.

I just wish there was some talent I have but I have nothing. I lack wisdom, I lack friends, I lack skills, I lack insight, I lack discipline. I have failed my family, my friends and most of all myself. I really really wish I was completely autistic and couldn't talk at least then I would get some understanding. Instead I am thrown into these situations that even NTs would find horrifying and I am dealing the emotions of a five year old on top of that but I am expected to be made of steel. I have seen more then most people in their fifties and I don't have the emotional maturity to deal with all that crap.

Contacts are on sale at Walgreens and I'm debating buying some even though I have plenty left atm.

See I'd kill to be able to play the guitar like



or like this angel right here,



But I don't need fame, I would be happy with a 9-5 and maybe a love interest but no, I can't have that. I can't have a normal life. Instead I have this, I have a disability. I can watch the world around me spin but can't spin with it. I can rot away in isolation. This is destiny as if God hasn't screwed me enough already.

I keep telling myself I don't see the bigger picture but even what little bit I see has no redeeming qualities at least for me anyway. I would be ok with existence caving in on itself at this point.

P.S.

Don't put sesame oil on ice cream. It may look a bit like caramel but it sure don't taste too good.

I love sesame oil.
I'd probably eat it on ice cream.
But I can't eat ice cream.

I love sesame oil as well but it certainly tastes better in stir fries than it does on ice cream.

Why can't you eat ice cream? Eczema?

I am fine, just a whole lot of this song,



I am broken but I think I have about master negative emotions by staying as high as humanly possible. I honestly don't remember what it feels like to be normal. I have been this way since my fight with my parents. I floated around town today, not giving a F like a boss.

Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem, I have my needs meet and I am not in Prison yet and maybe there is even a silver lining there in the fact that even though I suck at most things. Evidently I am pretty good at crime, not saying the Titanic is not sinkable, but so far I haven't arose suspicion so haha F the law lol