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^That's where the Malboro from Final Fantasy gets its name from.

It's Kuraudo777-

I'm super drunk lol

Ppl I'm chatting to are being super nice to me. I'm surprised but im happy tho

I can't get a kitty yet. I can't have a kitty in residence, and I wouldn't be home enough to take care of her. Maybe next year, then.

.... Hahahahahhh... O.o
Hmm, so I work faster with thread crochet, and rarely running out of yarn. Better collect all thread colors just incase of doing something special... A whole roll a week is more than enough.

Yay for abusing my eye sight and hands, like always... And yay for selling one small product and getting paid for like, 5x the cost of my usual raw material as a 'capital'. I didn't even set the price myself, I could've gave it away for free, because I had no idea what those things costs...

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I've been grinding my nose to the stone working on some crafts to sell at Art's Alive on August 20th. I'm painting the flag inspired pencil baskets right now.

Jesus Christ on a unicorn at an autistic convention, I saw an honest to Allah fluffy pompom tailed rabbit hopping around outside!

I don't even want to kapow it. It's just precious.

Bunny.

Well its 4:30 AM and I have been crying uncontrollably since 12:30,

I want to go home, I am tired of this place. Even when I try to find peace in religion, I see so much pain, I have trouble comprehending how any higher power can make it right. I am tired of seeing the violence of yesterday fuel the bitterness of tomorrow. I am truly broken at this point and the world continues to spin in such a wrong way.

Ironically its not the people that have hurt me that has made me so broken but the people I have hurt, can I not even try anymore without breaking someones heart? Can someone like me ever be in God's favor if all I have done is left a sea of those just as broken as me behind me? I would gladly walk into hell if I could make these wrongs right but I can't and here is another restless night.

Anyway thats my rant, I don't know, I am going to try and sleep again.

the psychiatrist today was a dud. he seems like a fumbling geriatric to me. he has short term memory problems which was indicated by his lack of recollection as to our previous consultation.
i pointed that out and he seemed to become contentious and i apologized and told him to again take control of this consultation at his leisure (considering he needed time to recompose himself).

he said that there is nothing wrong with me, and i said that if there really is nothing wrong with me but i think there is, then there must be something wrong with me, but he said i was not suffering any cognitive disturbance, and i thought "can't you see i am being oppositional?!", but he just overlooked it all and told me my next appointment was in 2 weeks time.
what can he come up with in that time which may help me be less anxious about my health? probably not much.

i imagined this dialogue with him while i was with him, and i started to chuckle, but he ignored that i had gone into a reverie.
me: i believe i have delusions
him: i don't think you have delusions.
me: so therefore i must be deluded in thinking i am deluded......

ha ha! but he did not flinch at my departure from social normalcy and he just wanted me to go.

i will possibly relieve him of his conscripture when i see him in 2 weeks if i can not have more fun with him.

everyone must be reverent toward their arse hole. but for their arse hole, they could not give a s**t.

keep it open and keep it clean,
or else i will spray it with "mr sheen".

Well that was short live, crying again and the sun is started to come up here.

I think I am just going to give up, suck it in like I do every night and press on as a broken as usual.

I need to go back to being selfish, for me there are two opinions and that is care about people and recognize that I have hurt some people and not live with myself or not care and be free. I guess you can see why I try and be selfish and really its deeper then just oh I upset some people. Its that I don't intend to hurt people and a lot of times I am clueless until someone has told me they have been hurt. One of many examples was my last church, I didn't realize the pastor's family had a grudge against until there was a huge confrontation and their reason for it was valid. I just didn't mean to do what I essentially caused to happen.

This is my whole life, from school to college to work to family to church and beyond. I never see the problem with my actions until its too late. I have never threatened anyone with violence but I have however said things that would logically make people uncomfortable. I never stole until I couldn't eat. I never did anything malicious to anyone's network but I have hacked the hell out of people. I have never hurt anyone but I have stood by and done nothing in violent situations. And you get the idea, I look back and I see that I have alienated people and I hurt people and I have hurt their trust but the reason it all hurts so much is I never ever meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted a place to fit in with peers and now all my peers curse me and wish me for dead when I wanted to do right by people. I just didn't think and now I am alone.

I got zero sleep but you know I had a revelation, I remember a long time I heard someone from somewhere say that people with Autism learn things on an intellectual level and are usually emotional behind. That is to say they learn emotions on an intellectual level. That could be crap but I remember hearing it a long time ago. Emotionally the above sucks but I actually know how to deal with it intellectually. The only way to be emotional independent of other people is to live for yourself. Emotionally I don't accept that I may never have social beyond this but intellectually, being alone and playing Minecraft all day isn't that bad of a life. I do have empathy but I can't let it consume me, I should live life for me and not care about anyone else. It is emotionally the safest route.

EDIT - I saw the post that either disappeared or was deleted and it was helpful last night thxs,