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Oh, okay .. sounds amusing..

I have this odd feeling that putting certain things in writing makes them too real.

^ ^ If words turn into reality, does that mean I simply have to say apples and apples appear magically?

You may will apples into your general direction.
Let me know if apples come to your attention anytime soon.

No, no I was merely being comical after all there are somethings one would not want to wish for as there is some consequences can never foresee

That's what I was talking about.
Putting horrible things into writing makes them entirely too real.
People say I need to talk about things, but I can't talk about things, and writing about them is too traumatic.

my mind is convoluted.

That's a complicated scenario Raleigh, in that it's intensely difficult for you too either verbalize your torments or place them in a written form..

These thoughts keep spooling about in my head but they won't come out.
It's like needing to vomit but you have Emetophobia.

I'm not sure how to provide help unto you Raleigh..

That's ok.
You did help just by listening to my ramblings.

That's a good thing, in that if I'm able to help even in a small way that makes me human..

^ That makes you a kind human.

I try Raleigh, I have to get going now, but I shall return..

I went tubing for the first time and it was terrifying.

Happy late 4th of july,

I have had a meltdown yet again on my parents and broke my family more then it is. No sleep for two days and had (brief) suicidal thoughts before gaining a small hair of faith in greater things.

Thanks,

You know I am getting the feeling I am alienating people with religious mobo jumbo but I hope you guys understand, its all I have left to hold on to. Did anyone read what I use to write in the haven? I was broken and it was hopeless and I was literally posting with the means to end my life next to me and it still is homeless but I hold on because of the promises made by Christianity.

I am scared of people to be honest, I am scared of what they might say and do and I only socialize here because it feels safe. Words on the internet hurt much less then words in person, primially because I can escape with the X on the window. Its also grim but I also post to document my thoughts in the event that I don't make it. So that maybe someone can understand my pain and hear the words that echo from my prison of isolation.

I am scared of people because I might hurt them and because they might hurt me. Not that I worry about myself but least I act out against them with no thought of the consquences. I have panic attacks when I leave my apartment, when my cell phone rings I tremble at the thought of who it might be, least hurtful words said in vain come across my heart. I have a phobia of people, I don't even like to look at pictures of people least my heart race with fear.

Have I lost my mind or can anyone relate to any of this with autism? Am I alone? Is it possible that maybe I have some deeper issue then autism? You guys seem to post without crying your eyes out in front of your PC so what the hell is wrong with me?

I have walked this path broken and in tears ever since my last church threw me out and ever since I started posting suicidal thoughts in the haven. I want to get better but I am emotional overwhelmed. I hate autism, I am intelligent but I have the emotions of a five year old. I think its fair to say a five year old can't handle this level of emotional maturity and regulation, everyday I feel like mere survival is asking too much of me.