The Blame Game

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Something is VERY common among the many aspies in my life: Their reaction to another's misfortune is NOT appropriate. They say that many aspies lack sympathy but they don't seem to lack sympathy for themselves. I've noticed many aspies (but not all) reacting with blame to another's pain. For example, a neighbor's son came home all beat up and says he was mugged on the #2 train. The father's aspie reponse, "Well, if you had a better job and a car, you wouldn't have to put up with stuff like this." The mother's aspie response, "You were probably staring at people, you know that's a bad habit of yours." The NT sister's response,"Oh my God, Ralphie (As she holds his arm gently), I'm so sorry. Come into the kitchen and let me help you get cleaned up. We need to file a police report. I know it's bad but I'm glad it wasn't worse. Thank God, you're home. You're safe now." Why do so many aspies not give compassion but add insult to injury by "blaming" a person for a misfortune they had no control over. "The girl got raped and severly beaten...that's what she gets for hitchhiking!" HOW AWFUL!! But yet if something happens to this type of blaming aspie, it's quiet another story. Even if they're wronged in a simple way, it's becomes a big DRAMA.
How can a person have EXCESS empathy for themself but NONE for another human being. What gives here? Some aspies believe that evil aspies and pychopaths are one in the same.

I've also noticed a lot of that, as well. It seems very familiar. I was given such responses, last spring when I was on a website.

a lot of aspies seem to be selfish as*holes who care only for themselves and with all this pro aspie stuff going around they are allowed to live that way
don't get me wrong i was like that too
its alright to like yourself but its not to be pricks to everyone because you're different
self confidence is a good thing to have
I mean aspies want to be treated normally and get special treatment
not how the world works people
you gotta learn
I did, it was hard, life is hard

I think that we just look for the possible causes of things and let the person know our thoughts, thinking that it will prevent the problem in future.

It's not really a lack of sympathy, or even blame. It's something else that is not understood.

I do this all the time.

QFT but I wouldn't say "a lot."

a fair number of them

well we know there is a number uncertain who do
and are sheltered for it

being happy as you is a good thing, and wanting equal rights too
everyone deserves that
but being a total douche and treating others like s**t just because you feel you are allowed cause "you have AS" and yet want to be treated normally and equally
doesn't make any sense
they need to figure out how the world works and how it will never revolve around them
it doesn't revolve around anyone-life is hard for everyone, whether you see it or not
and if you don't want to be part of the race, don't, but expect that things won't go as good for you as they might be as if you were in the race
you can never get what you want if you never try and go for it
nothing will come to you-I've seen and even said some stupid, stupid stuff while being here
I suppose this site did do one thing right for me; showed me trying to learn social things was a good thing, and I was on the right course in life
being AS and sitting here would have left me bitter and alone and I don't want to complain about my meaningless problems all the time anymore
I was stupid, really really stupid, I freely admit that

there is more than enough blame to go around. in anycase, a few decades back, the late lord lawrence olivier and dustin hoffman were filming the movie "marathon man" when lord lawrence noticed that dustin was taking his method acting to painful extremes, so he said to him, "my dear boy, you wouldn't have to put yourself though all that trouble if only you would just learn how to act!" i don't know which one of them had more pronounced aspie traits.
as for aspies and sociopaths having similarly evil [conscienceless, cold-bloodedness] potential, there seems to be something i can't put my finger on but it makes me think that the thing which separates aspies and 'paths in this respect would be that many aspies seem less adept at translating evil thoughts into manifest evil.

We're handicapped in our ability to do evil?

i didn't say "handicapped" per se, i was speaking in a comparative sense. i meant that on the gradient scale of victimization between victim and victimizer, many aspies seem located more on the victim half of the scale whereas sociopaths generally reside more on the victimIZER side. it has been my experience that 'paths tend to scorn aspies and others they see as weaker than they are, or diminished in some way. that does not mean that aspies never manifest evil, just take a look at some of the flaming on some forums here for proof of that. before the lightbulb of enlightened self-interest went off in b. gate's head, he had his moments as well.

I have noticed that type of behaviour here. I have seen it amongst NT's as well.

That's because it has less to do with being aspie and much more to do with being a narcissistic douchebag. Unfortunately, they come in all flavors.

I'm not one of them. I can't stand when people get blamed for their suffering unless they genuinely did something to deserve it (for example if they chose to start a fight). I wouldn't blame someone for being raped; I'd be more likely to go lynch the Motherf***er who did it so he could never rape anyone again.

I was very apathetic towards other people's misfortunes when I was little. I just thought to myself "Why should I care? This has nothing to do with me." It's not that I didn't care about them, it's just it was hard for me to be able to relate to & support them when I wasn't even involved.
My step-mother, however, would always give me such a nasty look whenever that happened & would say to me "How can you be so thoughtless?"
Well that made me feel like total crap (that seems to be her specialty), so I tried my best to start caring more about others ...well to others I actually do care about at least. I'm now more sympathetic to my friends & family, but there are some people I just can't find in my heart to care enough about. Those people are ones who've hurt me (like my step-mother) or had little to no impact on my life.

We're not all narcissists and as*holes who do this. I genuinely can't do displays sympathy or compassion. If I try and fake it, it seems phoney. If someone's got into trouble in whatever way, my first instinct is to examine the problem and look for what might have caused it to arise, and look for ways to prevent it from arising again. It's not the same as blaming anyone for it. I may feel very in tune with the feelings of the person, but damned if I can do anything but make suggestions about it.

Perhaps we could have an expanded discussion about what are appropriate responses. I would find that useful.

Of the people I know, the ones who were not given a great deal of support as children are like this.
Perhaps some people with asperger's are like this not only because of the asperger's itself, but because growing up they did not receive understanding for their problems. People with autistic disorders are often pressured for their bad behavior and, when they do not have understanding parents, some of their problems may be seen as absurd or their problems may not even be recognized.

I have always tried to be helpful to people in distress because I like to "fix" everything. I tend to ask a series of questions to better understand the situation and then I explain the causes and what can be done to avoid a future situation. Over the years, I have improved and I stop if I realize they want to express their distress but may not want a solution right away. (I do still find it annoying when people do this, but I try to understand not everyone is like me- and that is a good thing.)

Of the few people I know with a diagnosed ASD, I have only had many long conversations with one, and he is very sweet. He told me, when dealing with other people in distress, he tries a hug and if that doesn't work (they scream at him or express they don't want to be touched in another way) he just backs off and listens carefully. ...he amazes me.

That makes sense. My parents weren't very good. I suspect they have AS themselves.