What are the neurotypical rules regarding lending?

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I am not asking what SHOULD happen when lending something. I am asking what the neurotypical rules are.


It is my understanding that if you lend something (whether it is money or a pen), you should not expect it back nor even ask for it back..

Neither makes sense, but this is how it seems like it is.

Is it considered offensive to ask for something back that you lended?

If it's money or something else I can do without, and the person in question is someone I care about, I often end up giving it to them. If the previous conditions yields false, I directly ask to get it back when the deal goes out of date and it becomes convenient. I sincerely do not give a damn if it's rude to query for items that belong to me if the loaner is already stretching the agreement.

I'm not sure. It's an awkward situation when you've lent someone something and you want it back. Perhaps you could drop a hint? For example, if you lent someone a book, you could ask them if they liked it.

I suppose it's easier just not to lend people stuff.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be, as someone once said. (Google check: it was Shakespeare, in Hamlet.)

If I want something back, I establish clearly defined terms of lending; otherwise, people tend to assume lend means "gift".


M.

That's what I've heard =/

Though if it's something somewhat important to me, like a game or a DVD, I try to get it back.

I think you're making a mistake in assuming that there are set "rules" on this subject, but uh...

If we're talking tiny amounts of money here, then it might make you seem a bit miserly to ask for it back. The same is probably true if this pen was loaned out some time ago, but I don't think most people would object to you saying "would you give me my pen back after you're done with it please?" or somesuch before you give it to them, or a short while after.

There's no way, if we're dealing with a decent amount of money here, that you aren't to ask for it back, and if the person objects, then, frankly, humbug to them.

(these are just my impressions though, and, like I say, I think it's a mistake to think that there are anything so formal as rules to this)

I think that the "rule" is that a loan is a loan and there is an expectation to have the item or money returned and a mutually agreed upon time.

When making loans - it is often best to state the mutually agreed upon time so that it is clear to both parties. For larger loans (money or items of value) put the terms in writing (e-mail is okay) so that there is a written record (this is legally binding). It doesn't have to be long or drawn out - just something like this:

"Hi, I'm just sending this e-mail to confirm that you are going to borrow $100 from me to make rent. Also, that you said that you'd pay me back on June 30th, 2010. Just hit reply if this is correct."

The next step - give the money VIA CHEQUE (this way you have a paper trail). If the loan is for an item, write a follow up e-mail. Something like this:

"Hi.

How are you finding my trailer? Does it fit all your stuff?

or

"Hi,

How did my necklace look with that dress for the staff social. If you have pictures, I would love to see them."

(This establishes, in writing, that the item has indeed been lent and is in the recipients possession).

Smallish loans of an insignificant amount of money (a couple of bucks for coffee) or a couple of cigarettes don't warrant a paper trail. If this isn't re-paid - then it is best just to forget the loan to save the relationship and your sanity. Just don't make the mistake of lending them anything again. If you do give anything to someone who has defaulted before (whether it is a couple of buck or a cigarette or ??) than consider it a gift.

The important thing to remember is that you never, ever, ever lend something that you cannot afford to lose or would cause you to be upset if was lost or damaged. In this way, it is best to consider all loans to be "gifts" - this is for your sanity - not for anyone to take advantage of you.

What are the neurotypicals rules about ANYTHING

Thou shalt not kill. And, uhm, yeah...

You're supposed to give the item back but not everyone is that honest. It's stealing when they don't bring it back.

I would ask for it back anyway because the person may have forgotten they borrowed something.

I hate lending things to people because they never seem to want to give them back. It's upsetting.

In fact, the lengths that people will go in order to avoid giving back even the smallest things I let them borrow amazes me. Like that time at school this guy borrowed a pen from me and then he chewed the end all up so I wouldn't want it back. What in the world. I demanded the pen back. Not because I wanted the chewed up pen, but because I didn't want him to have it. You can't just capture other people's property by destroying it! That's like a barbarian or something!
It actually turned into a little ordeal because all the next day I was still seething and I ended up telling several people about what happened, which couldn't have been good for his reputation. In the end he gave me a new pen to make me stop glaring at him so much. I didn't want it, but I took it in order to deprive him of a pen the way he did me. Equal payback. I'm pretty sure I threw it away when I got home.

Because things like that happen, I'll go out of my way to avoid lending people things if at all possible unless it's someone I like wanting something small. I don't mind giving people disposable things like a few sheets of paper though. I know it seems strange and stingy, but it worries me when my things are borrowed. Most people don't ask me for things anyway because they fear me.