Heard any good jokes lately?

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If so, please share! I'm sick today and also feeling rather down about some things, so I was about to post in The Haven, but thought it could be more fun to come here see if any of you guys could make me laugh instead. Come on, save me before I get totally awash in self-pity!

Life.

That's pretty deep

Not a joke, but I find this picture pretty funny...



And this also...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhBe_c54Dpg[/youtube]

Railroad crossing without any cars Can you spell it without any Rs?


yes: IT

What did the mommy flower say to the baby flower

HEY! Pull your PANSIES (instead of pantys) up!

Hey blueroses - I'm sorry you're feeling down. I actually know a joke about roses. It's kind of silly - but it seemed appropriate

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.
I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose,"
And I said, "Wait, there's no b in rose!"
"Well" she said, "There was in that one!!

I hope you're feeling better, blueroses. I only know a couple of jokes and they're all off-color, so I can't post them in this forum.

Thanks--you guys are the best.

Might be a little too blue for here, but this is about as clean a joke that somebody will send me.

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?" The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.." So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?" and the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie. She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only." So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks." The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks." And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

A chicken walks into the library and says to the librarian "book, book, book".

So the librarian gives her three books and the chicken walks out with the books under her wing.

Next day the chicken does the same thing.

The day after that the librarian decides to follow the chicken. The chicken goes into a park and gives the books to a frog at the edge of a pond.

The frog looked at each book and said "redit, redit, redit"

Q: What is the definition of artificial intelligence?
A: A blonde who dyed her hair brunette.

Q: Why shouldn't you give a blonde a break at work?
A: By the time she gets back, you'll have to teach her how to do her job all over again.

Three blondes were standing over some tracks in the woods.
"These are wolf tracks," said one.
"No, these are mountain lion tracks," said the other.
"You're both wrong, these are bear tracks!" said the third.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.