A Santa Claus joke

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One of my online friends told me this joke just now:

Santa Claus breaks laws, it's true, he trespasses on property, when he goes down the chimney, he's breaking and entering, he travels with no passport, he never goes through customs (how do they know he's not smuggling contraband across the border, cause you never know what he has in his sleigh), oh yeah Santa Claus is also a spy, cause he sees you when you are sleeping and knows when you're awake.

Q: Why can't anybody see the real Santa Claus?
A: Because in reality Santa Claus is a ninja.

Headline in a local newspaper:

Ninja parade slips through town unnoticed for the sixth year running.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

A little festive humour to get us into the spirit. I like that. I'm feeling very festive right now.

Q: Why does Rudolph always get Santa Claus arrested?
A: Because Santa always runs his red light.

Why is Santa Claus always smiling?

Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When I was younger, my cousin convinced me that Gandalf and Santa Claus were the same guy lol. It makes sense that he would be a wizard if he exisited. Or maybe a ninja wizard, but that's going a bit too far perhaps lol.

I remember how silly I felt when I found out that Santa wasn't real, but just a ploy to make children behave all year. I realised how stupid the concept of someone who watches what you do all the time to make sure you behave really is.

Anyway, I better go to church now or God will send me to hell!