a joke thread!

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Let's post our favorite jokes and one-liners! The funnier the better!
Here's one of mine:
An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness when the Loch Ness monster trashed his canoe. When he landed in the water, he cried out "Oh God! Save Me!"
God replied, "But I thought you didn't believe in me?"
The man replied, "A few minutes ago, I didn't even believe in the Loch Ness Monster, give me a break!"

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

Whats invisible and smells like a carrot?????? Bunny farts.............ok sorry.

whats the definition of stress?



a wife a mistress and a mortgage...all 2 months late