time to lay down the law

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I do the lion's share of the cleaning around the house yet, we're a married couple, a partnership if you will. Responsibilities should be evenly divided.

Yet the house remains a disaster. She goes out to the car every morning yet every Thursday, forgets, neglects or chooses not to take the trash out. Every evening when she comes home, she takes a seat in front of the computer to play some pointless facebook game for hours at a time, breaking only to eat and watch TV.

When things get out of control, she'll make lists divvying out the chores as she sees fit. They're never followed by either party.

To get things done, I am taking unilateral action in denying her the privilege of going to her meeting tonight and making her sit and relax while I clean around her. This will be her punishment; to watch me clean and take care of our daughter. She must also earn the right to go to her meetings which, IMO is only an excuse to get away from the house and family for a couple of hours.

Who works?

& you have no right to 'punish' her, she's a grown woman.

Um...Women have rights dude. You cannot punish her. She's not a child. You're taking it a bit too far. You're sounding like a Creedonian Democrat, a person who sees that women should only clean the house and have children and shouldn't have the right to vote.

That's why women in the republic were given the right to vote in 1800.

I work. She works. We both work. I am a stay-at-home father and custodian of the house. She lives here too. She can clean as well. I'm sick of finding tobacco on the kitchen counter (she rolls her own) and other such crap.

You think a parent doesn't work?

And this is not a male/female thing. She denies me privileges all the time. I can do the same.

Defensive much? I was merely asking.

I never said a parent didn't work - stop being defensive, it just makes you sound unreasonable.

You're the one who used the word punish.

But if she lets you treat her like that, who are we to say you're unreasonable.

Oh good lord. You can't punish a grown woman and the mother of your child. How disrespectful!

If she's not doing her share, you need to discuss the problem with her and tell her that she's got to moderate her time on her game or quit it altogether because the responsibility of everything is too much for you. If the Farmville crops whither, they're still imaginary crops and don't matter. She has to put the real stuff first. I don't play any Facebook games because they're too demanding on my time.

You're frustrated, and that's to be expected, but there's a reason why she's using Farmville and her "meetings" (whatever that means - especially since you think you can keep her from them just to sit on the couch and watch you clean) to stay away from you and her life. Escapism behavior is symptomatic of Depression. How old is your daughter? How long has she been acting this way?

Here's your options:

- Pretend you've got an authority you don't have and treat her like a child that you can control
- Open a dialogue to find out what's really going on and get her some help.

The second option may take longer than one discussion but it may improve your lives and your marriage. The first option is likely to prompt her to withdraw more than self-correct her behavior.

Edit to add: Before you go off on me like you did to emlion, I'm the mother of four and step-mother of two. I know what work parenting is.

yeah I get defensive when I'm being attacked by sexists.

Men and women - equal partnership...ever hear of it?

Sexist? Oh please. Grow up.

Yes, I have infact heard of equal partnerships.
Thank you very much.

I've also heard of talking things through instead of punishing my so-called equal.

so, she can tell me what to do and tell me not to go places and keep me confined and withhold certain things from me yet I can't deny her a privilege once to make it a healthier environment for our daughter?

Got it! Thanks for setting this knuckle-dragger straight! I forgot my place in society. Silly me.

Foot rub?

No, she can't do it either.
Please find me the place where I say 'but it's okay for a woman to punish you' and i'll apologise.

I can see why she'd want to escape you.
Twisting words is awesome.

it's the only way I can think of to get things done and to maintain it. I'm clearly not in a place right now where I can make rational decisions and choices.

do you have any recommendations to get someone who does work outside of the home to do some stuff at home (eg, pick up after herself, share the load)?

You can stop shooting the messenger any time now! Holy cow!

You're obviously equally unhappy in your marriage as she is. It's probably best that both of you seek counseling immediately as a couple and as individuals. I can't imagine that this environment is emotionally healthy at all for your daughter.

By the way, if you're an unemployed father with no prospect of getting and keeping a job, it's likely you will not have residential custody of your daughter. Family courts do favor the mother, especially one that is the sole provider of the household. This is a fact. So it is in your best interests to work things out with your wife if you love being a stay-at-home parent for your daughter. Otherwise, you're likely to have child support payments you can't afford and barely any time with your child.

If you can't talk about it - try writing it down, i'm terrible at talking things through if i'm upset, but in a letter the words make more sense and people are more open to listening.

Or there's councilling, obviously you have some underlying issues in your relationship which could do with sorting out.

Also, if she's spending too long on internet sites and not standing up to her responsbilities maybe something else deeper is wrong?

In my relationship, I only work part-time so I do pretty much all the cleaning and cooking at my choice, because I think that because he works more than me, I should do all the stuff at home, and it works for us.

Your relationship sounds cute.

you think that a disagreement about household duties equates to a bad marriage and wanting to assure stuff gets done and divorce and custody arrangements?

I may have been right all along. I was bending there a little but now, damn...

thread closes AFAIC.