fickle brain? anyone?

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in my case, when it works i have many ideas. my verbal memory, concentration, and processing speed is improved. just about every facet of cognition is optimal. i can read. i can write fast. i feel creative. i can function. heck, i even feel a bit less shy. and when it doesn't work i feel inept. i can't function. i feel so objectively inept that i feel like no one wants to hear about my difficulties. and most probably wouldn't want to, for when i'm in this state i can't manipulate words in ways that get people to truly listen. thus people become bored with me, or they'll sigh heavily when trying to listen. there may be a long period of silence between a question and my response. il become isolative. i obsess about feeling less capable or wanting to feel more so. i feel like i can't keep up with people.

why does my brain have to be so fickle?

My mind pisses me off. Full of big ideas, but damaged somehow where it just teases me. I think I'd rather be stupid and unaware.

You might want to record things such as what you ate or did when you are feeling optimal and when you aren't, and see if that helps. If you think you're depressed or internalize too much then see a professional and see if they can help you change your way of thinking.

in order to learn how to love myself, i had to learn how to accept myself just as god preordained me to be. i had to learn to love my brain and let it do what it wanted when it was able to do it. i know my brain does its best to help me out, and even if that is insufficient to make it in the outer world, it also enables me to make my hermit world one that i can live with. i would hug and kiss my brain if it were possible.