So I'm turning 22 this year and I'm living in my friends backyard in a tent. I'm at a point in my life, that I wan't more than just Herp derping all day on the internet. I want to be experiencing life to the fullest, and be who I want to be. For quite a long time I was depressed, because having AS has made others view me as some strange weird guy who rarely ever talks, but I am not strange and I am not weird! It just takes me a while to get comfortable with people. Growing up wasn't the easiest time for me I was picked on because of my heritage (Half Asian Half White) , basically I never really tried making friends because of the fact that people would ridicule me for hanging out with the "wrong crowd." People are just filled with so much hate, it sickens me.
I've been #Wrongplanet for ages, and i thought it was cool at first, but it just makes me sad when people rub it my face, that I'm low functioning. Oh great for you, you have a significant other, oh how I wish each day I had one. Each Day, I walk outside and I see couples, or fine looking woman a part of me dies inside. I will never get to experience something as magical as a love between lovers, but I won't let that hold me back.
I have realized over the years struggling to live with AS, that I don't fit into this modern society. I feel as though my sense of self has be raped from me, and I don't know who I am anymore. I thought that maybe, I'd live the life that we call the "American Dream" have a family and raise kids, sometimes I wish i could improve the musical side of my life and write a music for a living, or even maybe work fixing computers. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't really want to do that. I want to appreciate the world and respect the land we live on. I want everyone to stop fighting and just be. I know that will never happen.
I honestly have no friends (except the one, who is letting me live in his backyard. But I don't want to get in his way of raising his kid) and all ties from my family have been cut, I haven't seen my father since I was 3 years old. Even his side of the family has refused to see me for over 18 years. My Mother she physically and mentally abused me all my life, I can't imagine me living in a house with her, with me not wanting to kill myself. All her family live overseas, like I'd have will power to live in a foreign country being the way I am. So I see that there is no option for me to be in this State any longer.
That is why, I will live my life as a recluse away from all the things I feel is wrong with the world. All i have is a tent, a dying car, clothes on my back, a few dollars, and with that I will find a secluded place to rest my head.
I will be the me, I've always wanted to be, and let know one tell me different. If it takes all my life to achieve my goal, then so be it. I'll die doing what I enjoy doing, to be free and be me.
One Love,
John Mitchell, aka Rolotony
30 Jun 2011, 6:57 pm
