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It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

...Hooters Airline? Wha-?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Q: Want some pot?

A: Yes, I could do with a pot to slam over your head!


Q: Want come crack?

A: No, I don't want a crack in the head, or I'd be like you, so messed uo I'm doing drugs.


Q: Want some coke?

A: No thanks, Coca Cola is bad for me... too much caffeine.


Q: Want some ice?

A: Even though an icy cold person wouldn't be as nice as you, they wouldn't be offering me drugs, which is better for my health.

Or: No, I don't drink Coca-Cola cuz it's bad for me!


Q: Want some glass?

A: No, I don't want to get smashed.


Q: Want a joint?

A: No, I'm fully together as it is.


Q: Want some grass?

A: No; I have enough to mow already.


Q: Want some weed?

A: No; I pull too many of those out of gardens. (This one is good for park rangers to use.)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

For someone who doesn't understand your puns: "You wouldn't know a pun if I said 'Yes, pun intended!'"

me: -washing dishes... wash wash wash
enter roommate: "Hey, what're you doing?"
me: -look at dishes, look at him, look at dishes...
roommate: "Oh... yeah. Anyway..."

In the english tv series "the young ones",
Neil (a vegetarian hippy) in the kitchen asks his flat mates
"does anyone wants the last chick peas"

reply: "I didn't want the first one"

sounds like Vyvyn or Mike.

was this your response to your roomate walking in on you washing dishes? so literal. i do that all the time.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Please stop MrMark, I'm dying here, dying laughing. Hilarious.

Sure was. I mean, the answer to the question was so obvious that it kinda stunned me. I SHOULD have said "Theoretical physics, and you?" or something.
That's one reaction I find myself having a lot... just that stunned feeling "I can't believe you just asked me something THAT stupid. Are you actually breathing? Because nothing living could be quite that stupid, I don't think."

Last edited by diseased on 17 Oct 2006, 10:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

You are out walking in the rain. When you get indoors someone says: how wet you are, is it raining?

No I just took a shower with my clothes on.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."