Nonconformity

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I am a noncomformist---by being the person I am, not by trying to be a noncomformist. There have been times that I have tried to fit in, but that just isn't me---and I'm tired of trying to be who I am not. So, since I was officially diagnosed with Asperger's in 2008, I decided to be who I am---and that's that.

In years past I often did things that I didn't want to do---such as go to a wedding reception because others went. But not anymore---unless it's someone really close. If it makes me uncomfortable---I ain't doing it. At my job earlier this week, I was asked to go on a trip with a certain group. I didn't want to go, so I said no. I later found out the only reason I was asked to go was to knock another person out of going that the rest of the employees didn't want to go. So, I was being used. I didn't really think I was being asked out of popularity---I maintain a low profile at my job.

When I was asked to take over as church organist at a conservative Methodist church nearly 10 years ago, I accepted because I wanted to. But, I went into the position not by playing the music the church was accustomed to, but by playing the gospel songs the way I wanted to. I play them with excitement in a more jazzy and faster style. It turns out the congregation loved my music, and I have been the organist ever since. The first pastor I played under loved my music. Then he left after being led elsewhere. The second pastor (who is there now) also loves my music. But he has just been reassigned. We are getting a new pastor in a few weeks. I don't have a good feeling about the new minister---although I have no idea who it's going to be. I just have a feeling. I don't believe he/she will like my music. And you know what---I will refuse to bend if this new pastor doesn't like it. That's just the way I am on certain things. I must remain comfortable. If something isn't fun for me (that I do for free such as the organ---I am not paid although I am a professional musician) I will not do it.

I have realized I am a noncomformist in many ways. Perhaps having autism makes me this way. I have always tended to do things my way---although I have tried to fit in with certain things.

I just wanted to post this because this has been on my mind, and I wanted to share it. Perhaps others of you have similar things to relate.

I've been being myself since the September of 2009. It's the best thing that I've ever done. I woke up on Friday morning and asked myself, what if the Mod thing does work for me. I've tried it once more and I've been being myself ever since. I'm sure that some of you remember the big switch in my personality and attitude.

I'm funny about the concepts of conformity and nonconformity - On one hand I try to avoid things and sometimes outright hate things that I perceive to be "too popular" (which I jokingly refer to as my "hipster mentality"), but on the other hand, I'm worried about my interests being unacceptable to other people and me getting made fun of for having them. Even one negative comment about one of my interests is enough to make me question whether I should be into them at all. Basically I'm a very insecure person - someone who wants to be herself but doesn't have enough self-esteem to feel good about it and stand up to those who would bad-mouth what she loves.

Thanks for posting that, it was very interesting to read. I am wrestling with how much to conform at the moment. Good to have read your perspective, I like the way you write.

I try to be myself, trouble is I don't know who that is.

Thank you all for the comments, I truly appreciate them. It's interesting to read about our perspectives and opinions of nonconforming in this world.