Foxface's thoughts

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Went swimming today, first time swimming in the daytime. It felt refreshing but lonely. I wish I had someone. I got out and read The Hunger Games by the pool. Other then being lonely, it was nice.

This is where I post my daily thoughts, feel free to respond.

Two girls hanging out my street a little while ago. I didn't know what they were upto, so I made howling noises to scare them away. That only got them curious what it was.

I have no idea what they were doing, after awhile, they walked up the other end of the street, passed my house, then walked back. Next to the house next door to me, is a small playground. Maybe they were there, but they were mostly on the road. My thoughts is that, they were at a party nearby.

I heared some load music going for awhile. It happened a couple of years ago. A house on the other street was having a party, but it sounded like it was coming from the woods in the back of my house. I guess it's how the sound travels.

The girls said I sounded like a real wolf and they said their names were Melissa ans Brianna. I don't hear them anymore, so they must've gone away. I live in a subdivision and there hasn't been any cars on my street for a couple of hours.

Yesterday, My Mom traded in her 2009 Toyota Yaris for a 2012 Toyota Carolla. It's dark blue, very nice colour, and looks very nice.

I got a new mattress yesterday, it's awesome. A lot better then my other one. I'm sleeping in the main room in the basement, because there was mold in my other room. My bedroom is in the basement. My canker sore was acting up last night, so it's very bad today.

I have the windows and the patio door open here, letting the breeze in, which feels good. I want to go swimming, but can't enjoy the pool with my canker sore. I may go outside and read The Hunger Games by the pool. I've been clothesfree since yesterday. No one next door, so I don't think I will be seen as I make my way out to the pool.

I'm still kinda tired.

I had a dream last night, a couple actually, but what stands out is the last one.

I was singing and the words poured out of me. What amazed me is that the words came naturally. That is something that dosen't happen. If I try to make up a song, I get all jumbled with words that make no sense. In the dream, I was drawing things on paper and on a wall that had to do with the the lyrics and about my life, my feelings.

I'm trying to rewrite the song, I think I'll call it "I'm in a box" as it was in the chorus. It was awesome! It was perfect!

I have LibreOffice Writer open now, so I can type anything I can remember about the song. Anything like that fades within 10 minutes.

Didn't do too much yesterday. Mostly stayed in my room. Went swimming around midnight, water wasn't bad. Unfortunately, my leg locked up again, it took about a half hour to unlock it. I was afraid I would have to spend to night in the pool. After I got out, had a shower, which felt good.

I couldn't sleep, until 6 this morning. While I was up, I got to talk to my friend from the UK, which was awesome. I haven't talked to her in awhile, so it was nice.

Today, woke up around 16:30. I had some hot dogs, upgraded a bunch of software on my Dad's computer, which took awhile.

I went out shopping with my Mom tonight. Wasn't bad. Nothing got me upset, no heart attacks, no canker sore. It's rare that I can go out and have no problems. Pretending to be a blind person was interesting. It's what I've been doing lately. I guess that is my thing now.

I'm just chilling right now. I'm feeling kinda tired, despite that I slept most of the day.

On the weekend, My parents went away from Friday afternoon, to Monday evening. I was happy to have the house to myself, but was also lonely. It was nice to not get dressed the entire weekend (did I mention I hate wearing clothes?). I didn't do much this weekend, except laze around. I had a fire in the firepit on Sunday night, which was nice. I went to take a swim, but the water was too cold. Icouldn't sleep, I forget what day it was, but was awake for 32 hours.

I can't remember what I did yesterday, or in the past week. On Wednesday, I had an appointment with a Natural Path doctor to discuss my canker sores. I've mentioned the stress I go through alot, and she gave me pills to fix it, so my body can handle stress better. Something about the glands. She also gave me prescribed something, for me to swish in my mouth to get rid of any bacteria. Mouth wash gets rid of bacteria, she says that mouth wash gets rid of bacteria, but dosen't put anythig back in, like stuff to fight it.

Wednesday:
When I got home, I decided to see if there were ny updates on the computers (gives me sosmething to do, and I like that they are upto date. I took out my Dad's piece of crap laptop, which hardly ever gets used. He is no longer a member of the company that loaned it to him. They ahven't asked for it back, and keeps forgetting to take it back. It said I could upgrade to Ubuntu 12.04 (when I try to install a fresh install directly, it wouldn't accept it, becuase the processor is so old, and dosen't have PAE. So, out of my curiousty, I decided to upgrade it, via update manager.

After 3+ hours, it finally worked, but it much slower, and you couldn't see the icons on the side task bar, so I reinstalled Ubuntu 8.04. After a couple of hours (slow computer), I managed all the applications (removed some, replaced OpenOffice with LibreOffice, added a few other ones. After I'm finally done, it won't boot in. Something I did somehow, screwed up the permissions, there was only one user account on there.

Thursday:
I slept most of Thursday, but when I woke up, I was still feeling tired. I picked my Sister up at the bus depot (Metro Transit), and drove her back to the hosue. Company arrived not much later after we've arrived. I decided to stick around for a little while, despite my anxiety when having company over. I reinstalled Ubuntu 8.04 on my Dad's piece of crap loaned laptop again, had no problems this time.

Friday:
This morning, I wokeup around 03:00. I went out around 08:30 to help my Sister move some stuff out of her apartment. We've borrowed my Dad's truck. There is construction happening during the day, which disturbs her slumber. She sleeps during the day, becuase she works during the night.

When I got back, I had a sub ans went to sleep, woke up around 17:30. I watched “Dante's Peak” (1997) After that, I decided to have a shower. Before I went to take a shower, I went outside to dump the garbage in the fire pit at the back of my house. I couldn't tell, because I didn't have my glasses on, but I think I've seen someone standing next door, looking at me, now I'm freaked out. It was like over a hundred feet away.

Did you get the ubuntu install working again? Are you not even able to get to a command line?

edit: If not you can probably get round it by running a live cd and running an elevated terminal window from that to access the files on the ubuntu partition and correct the problem.

Not sure what I did last week. I remember my sleep being messed up, and I found out, that cheese may be a contribute to my canker sores, becuase when I eat cheese, I get a canker sore soon after.

My Mom and my Sister went to the US for the weekend. They went Friday, got home early this morning. I mostly stayed in my room and was nude most of the time. Yesterday, I watched all of my bedding. I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time. I was always curious to try them. I bought Canadian Classic brand.

I didn't go outside, becuase it was cold out, didn't feel like putting on clothes, just to go back outside. I smoked one in my room, which was kinda stupid, becuase it takes a long time for the smell to go away. I didn't get found out yet by my parents. They don't smoke, don't like being around smokers and I'm sure that would really dislike the fact that I smoke.

I feel kinda badass when I smoke, lol. I was also very depressed yesterday. Smoking makes me feel better, I find. I know cigareetes are bad, but I don't care. Lately, I don't really give a crap about my health. I couldn't care less. All I care about is having fun, which is something that is hard for me to do. Only a few things I enjoy, and being lonely and desperate makes it a lot worse. Did I mention I have depression?

I recently smoked another cigarette in my room. I kinda regret doing it, because of the smell. I actually liked the smell of cigarettes, always have. What I don't understand is how people inhale the smoke. I tried and it was coughing.

I've thought doing other stuff, like marijuana and crystal meth, but it's illegal, and not worth ruining my life over it. I'll just stick to the legal stuff, Cigarettes, alcohol etc. Maybe that will help me make friends. It's hard finding friends when you don't drink.

I always promised myself, that I would never smoke, do drugs or drink. Things are different now, feeling desperate. I want something to take the edge off, and make me feel better. It may also help me make friends. Some people told me, that they need alcohol to be social, and that it works, so maybe it will help me. I still don't want to get drunk, becuse I still believe that getting drunk is stupid. Smoking is too, but I do it, to make me feel better and helps shorten my life. Yesterday, I was thinking that I just want to die. I can't kill myself. I'm too much of a wimp. No matter how upset I am.

Today, feeling a bit better. I had a little depression episode, but I think I'm over it. I think I'm going to lay down now. Tottles

Foxface.

My tongue is so sore. It could be from smoking. I haven't had a cigarette since the day before yesterday. It could be the cheese, because on the weekend I had two cheeseburgers and subs with cheese on them. I found out last week that cheese could be a contribute to my cankor sores, and when I eat cheese, I get a canker sore like within 10 minutes usually.

I came across a cool girl who has a lot of things in common, Unfortunately, she live in Central Canada. Why is it that there is never anyone from Nova Scoita, or anywhere in the Maritimes in fact? It's always Quebec or further west.

The past few days have been really bad. I've had a canker sore and a few days ago. I had to help move stuff from my sister's apartment. She and her boyfriend bought a new apartment.

I get parts of my life, where I go through awhile, which is really bad and stressful. I really effects my depression, my mood and stuff. I'm in one of them, and it got the best of me yesterday..

Yesterday, something happened with my Dad's computer, and he still uses Windows as he default OS, for his accounting program. He also doesn’t like change. All computer run Ubuntu, and he has another HDD with Ubuntu on it, I put that for backup, in case something happened on his Windows HDD, he had another OS to work with. I also have it, when I use his computer (not often), I use Ubuntu. I have all his stuff backed up almost daily.

Well, the Windows system, something happened it was was pretty much useless. I could get into most of the apps, the Windows installer system was corrupted. I try to teach him about using Ubuntu. He's not the computer savvy. He gets upset, he doesn’t like change. Also yesterday, was Thanksgiving (in Canada).

Today, the office admin came back to work. There was problems with the printer. Took awhile that the printer was holding the prints and you had to manually release each thing you wanted printer via the print thing in Ubuntu. I'm, not sure why that is, never used to be like that. I guess I did something trying to get the printer to work.

Most problems I have with a computer, are printer related. I hate printers. The printer that we have is only a few years old, refuses to print form the network. Unusually it says it fine, won't print anyway. I figure it is the router, because it is outdated. We have a Linksys WRT54G. I've updated the firmware, but the last firmware released was 3 years ago. The main computer in the office can print, because it's connected via USB.

I've haven't figure out how to print properly. The ink either comes out too light, if the settings are set to Draft or if it's normal, it comes out too dark, and uses too much ink. There seems to be no other thing. Also, the page comes out too small or some of the page gets cut off. A couple months ago. Printing over the network was fine.

There was some other stuff happened yesterday, computer related. Kinda complicated to explain, something stupid I did, while trying to figure something out, which lead the computer, not having Internet for awhile.

Also, my glasses mysteriously disappeared today, and I was really upset up it.

I really want to get out of this hell-hole. My Dad doesn’t want me to move, so I'm stuck here. I want to have my own house, maybe even a condo or something, but I prefer a house. I want a house and a private area, away from people, so I can just be by myself.

I'm trying to hold myself together to prevent from loosing my sanity. I thought I was pretty close to loosing my sanity 3 years ago. I don't know how I held myself together for so long. I just want to die or get out of here, but no where to go. I have nothing to live for. No job, so can't afford my own place. I am the most unluckiest person in Nova Scotia, not the most unfortunate. I hate my life. Ever since my depression, it seems to be getting slowly worse and worse ever the years. Pressure slowly builds up, and I can hardly rid of it, only temporally. I don't know what I did to deserve to be so unlucky. Why I have so many mishaps in life. Bad things happen to a lot of good people, unfortunately.

My Dad got his computer back, Windows 7 on it now, before it was Windows XP.

He replaced Ubuntu with Windows 7 on the other computer. Even though, all that was wrong was it didn't print (becuase of router is outdated). I can't speak to him, becuase he misunderstands almost everything I say (communication is really hard for me).

Today, I went and bought a 3TB HDD, becuase my 2TB drive is full. It takes 18 hours to copy everything. I only have one USB 3.0 port.

I had to install Windows, and I used to 2TB HDD to backup the data from Ubuntu. I thought I had my 3TB HDD. I plug it back in, after installing Windows 7, and restore the data. I get a popup message and it scans the HDD. Now, half the stuff is gone. All my TV shows are gone, and the folders are there empty. I think I have most of my movies.

I really hate Microsoft! I think I got everything copied from my main folder. It's just the movies and TV shows. I had quite a few TV shows, which took about half the space. It'll take a long time to get that back again, may not get it all back.

I had already backed up 5 shows. I can probably find some more, that I may have have on anohter HDD.