Why I love film.

Post Reply New Topic

Just for a warning, there's nothing of value in this post. I just wanted to talk about things somewhere.

I'm having a low point here. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the head of my course, because I got a warning for low attendance because they wanted to make me do a group presentation for an individual project again after a terrible experience last term with that very same thing, and instead of stupidly following along just because, for once in my life I refused. I used the time for my actual work instead of being made absurdly anxious over such a ridiculous thing.

That, and I'm goddamn miserable at the moment. I suspect that I have some form of depression. Certainly fits. I've certainly been asked whether I was ever diagnosed with such a thing. I don't know, and to be honest, I don't care. What does it change? Nobody capable is willing to help me get rid of it, I've talked about it to a doctor a few times, and every time they say they'll get in touch about help, and every time they never reply. I started to wonder if it was just me. I mean, I am happy sometimes.

Then recently I came across this; http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-facts-eve ... epression/

Turns out even someone like me who stands for tolerance and understanding of mental issues can be wrong. With this in, I can barely deny that I might have depression. In fact, I'd say it's damn likely. Still, no way anybody'd help me. And it ain't as if I need another reason for some ignorant moron not to give me a job.

In the midst of this, I realise why I prize film above all other things. Because at some point, everything majorly upset me. People hurt me the most. My parents, although they never meant to, have hurt me from time to time. School and work ground me down and wore me out, my body betrayed me, my very genetics horribly flawed beyond just my aspergers, I'm also absolutely hideous, my mind, apparently, has it in for me, my "heart" as painful as such phrasing is to use, doesn't know when to quit to avoid further damage, even videogames have upset me. I had a group of friends on xbox live who I had to watch fall apart, helpless to do anything about it.

But film? I've watched bad movies. I've watched movies that disappointed me, wasted my time and money, even made me a little angry, but at the end of the day, I can just watch a different one right after. And that's just sad. The one constant thing which I feel as if I can rely on and it is composed entirely of fiction.

I just want what everyone else has. What everyone takes for granted. I want to be able to update my computer without getting so anxious I start shaking. I want to get up being able to believe myself if I said it might be a good day. I want to feel welcome somewhere. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to be able to see some hope of good in my future. I want a fair chance for a good life, is that too much to ask?

Sorry you're feeling down. What movies are to you are what many books are to me. I reread favorites quite often because they aren't a constant for me.
As for a sense of belonging, that always seems to be more fluid. I've learned that if I'm receptive, sometimes people gravitate towards me. It might not be quite the same, but over time it does come close.

<--- Loves film too and would love to see somebody make a movie of one of his novellas or short stories.