Funny

Post Reply New Topic

From time to time, I really need to hear a funny joke or story.
A good laugh sometimes cheers up an otherwise dull dreary day.

Heard a good one lately? If it's clean enough for children, and does not put down another person, I'd like to hear it.

For example:

There were two men out playing golf in the early morning on a bright sunny day.

They were preparing to leave the green on the 7th hole, when one noticed a funeral procession passing by on the road on the other side of the golf course fence.
He immediately stopped, took off his cap, and bowed his head in respect.

His friend was impressed. He said, "Gosh, I didn't know you to be such a caring person." His friend replied, "It's the least I can do, had she lived, we would have celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary next month."

That cracked me up. Thank you for the joke.

Two engineering students were on campus, talking, when one said to the other, "The strangest thing happened to me yesterday. I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when this beautiful woman on a bike rode up to me, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes, and threw them down, too. Then she said, 'Take whatever you like!'"
The second student replied, "I hope you took the bike."
"Of course!" the first responded. "The clothes would never have fit."

Man walks into a bar.....





Ouch!

Q: Why is Missouri surrounded by other states?
A: Missouri loves company!

At my last birthday, my friends got me a very unusual gift -

On the evening of that special day, there was a knock on my door.
When I opened it, I saw a beautiful woman standing there in a mink coat.
She opened her coat - I noticed that was all she was wearing - and she asked me -
"Are you ready for some super sex?"
I of course replied - "What kind of soup?"

I have been thinking that "Missouri loves company" would be a better state motto than
"The Show-me state"

It would certainly encourage tourism, wouldn't it?

What to do if you're in church and the air is really stale?
Find the appropriate icon, click twice and a window will open.

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9!

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

* * *

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a petrol station.

* * *

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

* * *

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, very rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

What goes "Tick - tock, woof woof?"
A watch dog.

Here's a shower thought:

Why do people call it "tuna fish" when everyone knows tuna is fish? It's like calling it "beef mammal" or "chicken bird".

we just call it tuna in the uk

Why are things of certain shape called "lenticular"?

Are they called that because they are shaped like convex lenses?

Or are they called that because they are shaped like lentils?

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Elon Musk, were all playing golf together.

Suddenly there is the sound of a telephone ringing.

Jeff Bezos immediately sticks his right index finger into his mouth, and his left index finger into his ear, and starts talking.

His companions are stunned. He explains that he has microchip implanted into both finger nails so he can talk on the phone with his finger nails. His companions nod, and are impressed.

There another electronic signal sound. Bill Gates smacks the palm of his hand against his left eyelid, and then... begins nodding and mutter "uh-huh, uh huh". He pulls his hand away, apologizes for the interruption, and then he explains that he has the inside of his eyelid wired to act as a computer screen, and that he was just having video conference with his board of directors - and that he can see each of their faces on that hi def screen inside his eyelid.

His companions all are impressed.

Suddenly there is a buzzing sound.

Elon Musk pulls a roll of toilet paper out of his pocked, drops his pants, and underpants. And then just starts squatting right there on the golf course, and then starts grunting and moaning.

Musk becomes aware that both of his companions are silently staring at him in shock and horror. So he says "its okay. I am just preparing to receive a fax.".