Who likes bad jokes?

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You know, you can tune a piano, but you can't...TUNA FISH!

Aw, c'mon, you know you love them!

http://www.badpuns.com/
http://www.rinkworks.com/jokes/

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

What’s the worst part of eating vegetables?

Getting them out of the wheelchair.

Oh my god, that's one of my favourite ones!



Sorry to all you drummers out there, but I'm a strings man, 100%

I love bad jokes.

But I can never think of one

Most of the ones that I can remember off of the top of my head are not quite fit for polite company...
but they are very, very funny...and bad, oh so terribly, wonderfully bad.

A traveling salesman is driving through the countryside when he sees a pig with a wooden foreleg hobbling near a barn. Curious, the salesman stops and knocks on the farmer's door.

"What's up with that pig?" he asks.

" 'Tain't no regular pig, mister," says the farmer. "One night last year, the house catches fire and that pig come a-runnin', busts right through the door, up the stairs, and drags me and the missus outta bed. Saved both our lives, that pig."

"Amazing," the salesman says. "But that doesn't explain the wooden leg."

"Well, hell, buddy," says the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."

*********************************************************************

A man with a banana stuck in his ear and a carrot stuck up each nostril walks into the doctor's office and says "Doctor, I haven't been well lately." And the doctor says "Well, you're not eating properly."

How about these?


Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.


How does the queen bee get around her hive?
She's throne.


What do bees do if they don't want to drive?
Wait at the buzz stop.

Or.......


The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

I think I may have started some sort of monstrosity...it's so awesome!

A mom and her kid were at the laundromat, the mom was sitting down waiting for her clothes to dry, and the little kid was crying and whining and walking in a circle, to which the mother said, "Stop whining, or I'll nail the other one to the floor."

Was that too much? (What, no angel smilies?? Ah well.)

Or.....

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.




On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


Sorry, i'll stop now......

No no, rosered, do go on!

You've started something in me now i can't stop!! !!

I like bad jokes but i have not made any up.

My son made up this one when he was two:

Knock! Knock!

"Who's there?"

House!

"House who?"

House you doin'?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUkxWKJUXxA[/youtube]



Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'



Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"



A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b***h tonight, Dave."