Has My Past Destroyed My Life?

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Hello Everyone

So basically, when I was 13-15 (I'm mid 20's now), I used to play with four friends feet when they were asleep and my older female cousins feet too. I got caught by all four and they all questioned me about it, but nothing else was said again after that. I know they must of told other people, though. I also played with friends feet, while awake too.

Nothing was really said on major scale by them or other people at the time, but I like I said other people must of known low key, but never confronted me about it. I didn't actually care at the time, I just forgot about it and got on with my life.


Out of the four peoples feet I played with, two of them I have on social media. So they couldn't of been that affected by my actions when I was younger. The older cousin hates me lol, I think its because she's disgusted by what I did to her feet when I was younger and the other one I haven't spoke too for years (but was no hard feelings before distancing).

Now that I'm an adult however, it haunts me every single f*****g day of my life. I have no confidence or ego because of this. I want a career where I'm on the internet like being a rapper, darts player or an entrepreanur. My lyrics are motivational and inspiring (encouraging non violence and self improvement). But due to the fear of my embarrising past being exposed, I've struggled to get it going as it could possibly push me to suicide.
So I'm torn between expressing myself and doing something I enjoy.. or living low key and miserable for the rest of my life, without any backlash from my past.

I've considered suicide many times because of this and the guilt is f*****g unreal. I think about it most of time, I'm haunted it by it. I haven't gone to therapy because I'm so embarrised to talk about it. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing will matter because of what I've done in the past.

Despite a few anger issues here and there, I'd like to think I'm a half decent bloke. I'm shy and introverted too (get alot of stick for that), but I'm not a violent person or a criminal. I like to stay low key and not bother anybody.
What I'm worred about is being called a pervert or gay because lets face it, it sounds very f*****g gay and weird. But all I want is a girlfriend to love and have a relationship with. I'm not interested in boys, at all.. but my past says otherwise. How the hell am I supposed to defend myself if questioned in the future, to prove I'm not gay.

I want to leave a successful and positive legacy. A decent career, making a difference to unfortunate people and charities etc.. but I fear my life/legacy would be ruined by my past being exposed.

If you didn't realize by now, I do have a foot fetish and I just coudn't control it when I was younger. Any feet, I used to go for but now that I'm older.. I'm only interested in womans feet.

I guess the only positive thing about the situation, is I did these things as a kid/teenager and not as an adult. Which would probably of landed me in prision, so atleast I'm more mature these days. But still, while everyone else was banging girls and loosing their virginity at the time, I was playing with male feet. P.S I did try to get with alot of girls though, was just rejected by loads of them.

Thank you for listening, I know its very unusual and weird. Believe me, if I would of knew the f****d up s**t I was doing back then.. I would of never of done them. Is it possible for me to still have a career on the internet? or shall I stay low key for the rest of my life (although I don't want too)?

Its really messed me up :/ I can see myself becoming a suicide victim soon, I think its my fate. I have a lot of other issues in the present, as well as my embarrising past. I don't want be a suicide victim, but I think its meant to be and theres nothing I can do about it. You can't escape destiny, after all.

I'm confused as to why playing with someone's feet would land you in jail. It's weird, but I've seen weirder.

Anyway, they probably did weird stuff themselves. Also, neurotypicals tend to forget a whole lot more than we do and ruminate less.

If you're really that concerned, you may want to apologise? If they know you're autistic it may provide some more valid explanation?

I'm worried that because they were asleep, it could be classed as a sexual assault. And yeh I have thought about it, some of them have girlfriends now and if they told their partners what I did to them when I was younger, I'd be embarrised.

And I'm not 100 posent sure I'm autistic, but I do have a lot of traits. For example, I'm very antisocial to the point where I hate interacting with strangers. A lot of things overwhelm me and make me have meltdowns. I've struggled to do basic tasks at work (warehouse and production), been picked on for struggling and being antisocial. The smallest negative can ruin my day, too. So yeh, I probably am lol.

Hmmm, if it happened to me I'd probably think that you're a weirdo brat trying to jump scare me in my sleep. Sorry for the bluntness.

lol weirdo brat, and yeh the bluntness must be an aspergers thing.

With all the things rapper's and musician s get up to (drugs, affairs, crimes), playing with peoples feet seems so tame that I don't think anyone would be disturbed by it at all. I suspect that this bothers you far more than it bothers anyone else.

You don't. You do not have to prove to ANYONE, do not have to justify yourself, or explain yourself for your sexual/relationship gender preference. Unless you are interested having a relationship with that person it's none of their damn business. They could surely find a better use of their time rather than to give you grief of something from the past that you now know you shouldn't have done.

We all do things when we are young that would undoubtedly bring us grief and embarrassment today. When we're young and teens (even at collage age) we as humans do tend to be rather curious trying different things to figure out who we are and what feels right for us. This is a part of life. The interest of feet is typically seen a bit stranger because it's not exactly a 'mainstream' thing; but it certainly has it's own representation. Frankly there are far weirder things out there that no one bats an eye at; its very subjective.

The biggest problem isn't that you're into feet, or that you would play with other guys feet. It's the fact that you would do it without permission. I do not believe that you had any kind of ill will, just that you were acting on an impulse that you yourself didn't quite understand. This was a lack of boundaries on your part and for that reason I would say that if you were to come in contact with those people, you would probably do well to offer an apology. You seem to have matured and gained perspective that what you did really wasn't okay; you've learned from the past. So if you own it and offer apologies it might help relieve some of your guilt about it. Because I certainly do not think you should have to live under this as some incredible shame your entire life. My one caution about making an amends is that you need to be prepared for all kinds of reactions. Some might not like to hear it brought up, others might just be like "Whatever man we were dumb kids". The most important part is just for you to get it of your chest.

Our pasts make us who we are but that doesn't mean we have to be ruled by it. The past is just that, go forward. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know then. Feel good about the fact that you do know now because not everyone ends up learning. Get into therapy, if you feel they are judging you, then find another person. Work through this guilt because it is far heavier than it ought to be. Then go after what you want to do.

Since this is your first post welcome to Wrong Planet! Is a foot fetish a crime? I don't think so. Should you consider suicide because you have a strange special interest. I don't think so. Should you give up a career on the internet or becoming a rapper because you have a foot fetish? I don't think so. Aspies have many strange special interest. We are a little bit on the wild side. You are on this world to live a Grand Adventure. It is up to you to chart your own course and go where it leads.

wow, the last three messages really touched me to be honest (aqua felix, Alterity, jimmy m), thank you. I've been worried about it for such a long time, like how many years I've wasted because of this demon is ridiculous. Making me feel like a weirdo/pervert and hide away. Like who cares if I fail and die, I'm a sicko anyway. Where as now I'm just going to express myself. I'm expecting the odd hater to call me a weirdo etc of course, but if most of the feedback is positive (after expecting to be slaughtered for ages), I'll be happy. I just gota man up and deal with it. A lot of my lyrics are indirectly talking about the past, too. As long as I'm good guy, that the main thing. Best of luck with your lifes anyway guys, thanks again.

When I was 14-15 I had a way worse situation happen and it also makes me feel absolutely horrible. I feel solely to blame and my OCD really latches onto it and it does make me feel like I can't ever have a life.

I was groomed online by pedos when I was 12-15 (they never managed to physically touch me however), so everything I came to know about sexuality or sex at that age was from pedos who would talk to me all the time on MSN and stuff. It lead to a lot of confusion and inappropriate behaviour on my part, which makes me feel so so guilty to this day, despite talking to the other person involved about it a lot and making sure that they're okay and not suffering like I am.

I think playing with someones feet whilst they sleep is just weird and not life-ruining. Some of the stuff I ended up thinking and doing because of what I was being shown and told by the pedos is far weirder.

What annoys me the most is that if I wasn't so mentally challenged I probably would have been able to pick up on what these guys online were saying to me was bad and avoid them, but I just assumed they were good guys cuz I always listened to adults.

Your potential for having a career over the internet, now, is the same as it otherwise would have been, if you were not to have played with someone's feet


Counseling could "help", "hurt", or stay the same


Counseling is rarely worth the retail value

Some counselors act like they are the latest greatest thing since sliced bread

f**k Jeanne Courtney


Anyways I have had 41 counselors


Because of them, I am , below salvage value right now


Counseling is not magic




Having said that, based on your post, it sounds to me like you could use some counseling


Insurance might provide counseling