Why do some people expect too much from other people ?

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I don't quite know why but I seem to think in terms of dating, I feel as though sometimes some people expect too much from other people like having their own place (which I don't have), to be serious otherwise they are not interested (I don't seem to feel serious for a relationship at the moment) etc.

It’s pretty common and has been for generations. Having one’s own place is a sign of financial security, stability, maturity, an ability to provide shelter, and in the more immediate term: a place to be intimate.

While it’s still somewhat expected here, none of those things are hard and fast rules anymore. Housing costs Millions of dollars and most working class people are paycheque to paycheque, so plenty of working class poor people still date despite living with extended family members or roommates and not having a car etc.

But there’s certainly still a class divide and expectations from potential dates, especially in the heterosexual dating world where those considered 9’s or 10’s are most likely to have the criteria that you own your own home and have a six figure paying career.

Pretty common the world over, really. IMO it stems from basic needs/wants for Alpha males to be providers. Used to maybe be the best hunter in the cave clan, now it’s the guy with a downtown condo and a sports car.

Acknowledging all of that, Also remember that these are peoples dream wish lists for the ideal partner. Someone who is charming w/ an upbeat personality, is healthy & fit, well groomed, dressed, and hygienic Could rent a tiny attic bedroom and still have a shot at love with the right partner.

Personally, I couldn’t give a s**t less what a guy’s place, income, socioeconomic status was etc IF I was attracted to Him and there was a “connection.” Bonus if he’s self sufficient & thriving, but couldn’t possibly care less if he was a starving artist type just barely scraping by. Not everyone cares about monetary and material wealth as a written in stone criteria for dating someone - and even those that state so might not necessarily actually mean it.. I bet if they were introduced to someone their type that they R E A L L Y clicked with a later found out that they were poor that most wouldn’t care That Much - and those that do, well, whatever; Next!

High expectations can apply for any situation. Barb and my parents expect me to put Christmas behind me the instant that New Year's Day is here. My parents know I can't do that and Barb is going to be in for the surprise of my life when she sees me waiting until the 1st of February to take my tree down.

I'd be interested to see any type of high expectations that everyone else here deals with.

Mostly they’re my own self imposed high expectations of myself, not from other peoples’ demands.

Other peoples’ expectations of me are reasonable.. but I still fall short of them lol out of laziness mainly. Basic stuff like keep your room & bathroom clean, don’t leave tools laying around the garage lol stuff like that. I Like things clean, I just don’t clean much.

In modern day western society, moving out is seen as a sign of maturity.

It's healthy and normal to want a sign that someone is on the same level as you maturity wise.

It's very much culturally dependent though. And in my generation it seems to be going back to how it was in the 18th century and how it is in other cultures - I know a lot of 30-something yos who are NT and live at home.

I will say though, I wouldn't feel right dating someone who lived with their folks for free. Paying rent to your family rather than living with them for free can be another sign of maturity. Most of the 30 yos I know who live at home do that.

Because they want to "date up." If they can find someone who has their own place, why would they even entertain dating someone who doesn't? If they themselves have their own place, it's seen as beneath them dating someone who doesn't. If they don't have their own place, they're looking for someone who does to spring ahead.

I thought the opposite was true, that people are more accepting now of adults living with their parents. Mostly because of reasons like this...

It might just be where I live though. My town was hit pretty hard some years ago thanks to the auto industry kinda crashing out on us. It's common where I live for families (or friends) to live together (same with not having a car). No one seems to think much of it here.

On average it’s more accepted now because on average young people cannot afford what their parents once could, but it’s still going to be very regional & cultural.

In major coastal cities it will be more accepted because real estate prices are sky high. But in smaller towns and other areas where wages are often higher and home prices way lower, there may still be old fashioned expectations of younger people having their own place.

Also depends on the culture of the people who’ve immigrated to the area, too. Many Asian cultures all stay in large family homes together. Here, they just build bigger houses as more adult children get married and have kids. There are MANY 10,000-20,000 square foot farmhouses here that house a few generations of an Indian family.

Depends on if you're someone who considers the 1950s ancient history or not.

(those kinds of people annoy me tbh).

Pre the industrial revolution (19th century) it was considered suspicious to be alone, outside of a monastery or family group. A sign you'd actually been disowned by your family.

The idea of a nuclear family being the ideal is a 19th century invention. It's easier to shift a family of one man, his wife and his kids about to the city where the men are needed to work for someone else than it is to shift multiple generations. Multiple generations works better for when they're running their own farmland/mill or when they're serving a specific family over generations.

Historically, the people in their dotage got looked after by the people in their middle age. To us, that would look like youngsters looking after middle aged people but that's more about advances in modern medicine meaning that someone in their 50s and 60s is hardly 'old age' to us.

Outside of the west quite a few cultures have kept to the old extended family tradition with people moving into inlaws homes after marriage.

In a patriarchal society, there's a lot of benefit to extended family living. Wife can have help round the house from mother-in-law. Son can work with father on the land. Young generation can have advice from old generation & old generation can be taken care of physically by young generation. Nuclear family from 19th century to Women's Lib expected him to earn all the bacon & her to do all the chores, at least if they could afford to not have her working.

^Some very good points.

1950 was 32 years before I was born, so kind of irrelevant to my life’s experiences & the culture I was raised in and the shifts that have happened in terms of immigration affecting culture as well as living in one of the most red hot real estate markets on the face of the Earth. So, for all of MY intents and purposes, the 1950’s are ancient history & completely irrelevant to housing costs & relationship expectations Today. Some people here still cling to those ideals and concepts, but they are loooooong gone. Hell, the same can be said for the 1980’s and 1990’s back when people who work at jobs for a living could still afford to buy a home.

People live to win, if you aren't living to win, realize this is a really really unhealthy mentality.

If you care about the person you're dating, you want to win for them.

I'm autistic so's my wife, it isn't just abritrary material gain, if we have a kid there's a good chance they'll be on the spectrum, having the means to provide isn't just a "tradition" it's a big deal.

Resources don't exist for the individual they exist for eachother.

^more truth.

And for some it’s lifestyle matching or gaining - can my partner afford their share to go on an annual vacation? That sort of thing.

And then there’s the fact that even without kids, people can’t work Forever. Eventually our bodies and minds get old and we’re no longer useful in the workplace - and potentially a hazard. So, we’d better have accumulated some monetary wealth with which to pay for survival for as long as we live after we can no longer work.

I can't for the life of me understand why people still cling onto the ideals of the 1950s, especially those who expect people to be proud of their birth genders and wear them like a badge. I deal with those types, year in and year out and it can grate on my nerves. I identify as male and that's the life I want people to let me live. Maybe I could be expecting too much. I also think those people expect too much of me at the same time. It's the Theory of Mind thing.

Also, expecting “too much,” is relative.. one person’s too much is another person’s bare minimum.

It was 38 years before I was born.

But I've read enough books/history to know that in the long term, that's not very long at all.

Nuclear family is a modern concept. Moving out of the home was an extreme thing before the 19th century. It's a 19th/20th century notion that everyone should do it. Maybe we'll be free enough in the 21st that we don't value people purely on whether they do or not, rather judge maturity based on the choice as to whether to do it or not & if not, owning up to the responsibilities that come with being an adult in the home rather than a full grown, non rent paying, non responsibility taking, kid.

I think using the nuclear family as a focus in terms of 'family values' doomed itself. As soon as people were marrying mainly for love rather than marrying mainly for family cohesion with other families, they took on that the heart was more important. Well: sometimes the heart is gay. Sometimes the heart wants kids, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it wants multiple partners. Sometimes it wants someone then 20 years later, doesn't want them.

And when there's 2 adults in a family home, of course it makes sense for both of them to do the laundry/cooking etc and both of them to have jobs. They have nobody else to ask. I don't mind that, as a feminist, but it's hard to stick to strict gender roles compared to when same gender relatives can't help out cos they're all stuck in the next village over not in the same house.

Even in a gender neutral household, there's a lot to be said for living & working together, as long as everyone who's an adult is prepared to be an adult & help out.