Question for Aspies in Japan

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I understand that the Japanese style of communication is very indirect. How do you cope with that?

I have a friend who is Japanese. We are close friends, and I like and respect her a great deal. The problem is that she is a very indirect communicator. I have trouble understanding her feelings and what she is trying to communicate. She is also very emotional and cries easily. I never understand what I have done to upset her. Help!

私の悪い翻訳日本語をお許し下さい。私はGoogle翻訳を使用しています。

私はコミュニケーション日本のスタイルは非常に間接的にされていることを理解しています。どのようにしているに対処するのですか？

私は日本の友人を持っています。我々は、親しい友人であり、私が好きで、彼女の多くのことを尊敬しています。問題は、彼女は非常に間接的なコミュニケーションということです。私はトラブルを彼女は何を通信しようとしている彼女の気持ちを理解した。彼女はまた、非常に感情的であり、簡単に泣く。私は彼女を怒らせる何をしたか理解できない。助けて！

My knowledge of the Japanese language is quite limited, but I have experience with tutoring Japanese students in English and in writing. I found they were actually quite good at communicating in a personal way in English and without any awkwardness, even when they were struggling with the English language it self. I never had a Japanese student comment that English seemed too informal or impolite to them. But several of my students did talk to me about the different tiers of communication in Japanese culture, that in certain situations you are expected to be respectful, impersonal or indirect, while in other situations you could be more personal and more direct. It seemed to me that my Japanese students were actually very good at switching from one communication style to another and that they were quite attentive to the nuances in other people's communication styles and could reciprocate the degree of personal or impersonal style with ease. Being an Aspie, I found this quite impressive. I don't think any of my Japanese students were Aspies themselves but I do think if I was living in Japan, I woudl find the complexity and nuances of Japanese communication quite frustrating.

I have found many Asian women to be unusually expressive and intense with their emotions. Many women from Asian countries will seem more passive or indirect to us Westerners, as their native social structures do not approve of women being direct, assertive or aggressive. I remember one female Japanese student laughing at me because I said I didn't care for doing laundry--she said I could never marry a Japanese man because in Japanese culture, it is inappropriate for a woman to assert openly she does not like doing "women's work" like laundry! You coul say that to a very close female friend your own age, maybe, but to not to someone you didn't know very well or with whom you can a more formal relationship, like your student. That's how oppressive some Asian societies are toward women--you can't even say you don't like something that society expects you to do. I think one of the ways they cope with this oppressiveness is through using emotional displays.

I had a Korean friend in high school who was like your Japanese friend. She tried very hard to assimilate into American culture but sometimes, she felt overwhelmed and she'd get emotional. She was often shocked by how assertive us American girls could be. I can still hear her saying, "Oh, no, no, I could never do that!" Her feelings would get easily hurt because she didn't understand why some things that were taboo in her culture were acceptable in ours. Western cultures can be quite intimidating for Asian women because it seems to them that there are no rules or structure. I think you just need to be patient with your friend, and just assure her that you don't want her to feel intimidated by you and that you are trying to understand her.

So... What can I do to let her know that I'm just trying to understand? I kind of feel like I'm trying not to break her, if that makes sense.

This reply's a bit outdated, but I'll share anyhow. I think it's her upbringing and personality. It sounds like she grew up in a very traditional family. Some Japanese parents only find fault and never give praise. I used to be a lot like her, but I've learned to speak up more as I've gotten older. I've noticed that there are many Japanese who learn by observing, then copying certain behaviors. They don't like making mistakes so they often feel safer following the direction of others. I've also met Japanese women who are the complete opposite and can be quite controlling. If ever in doubt, ask questions, but try to be gentle and have patience and she should warm up to you.