sexual abuse.

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cerasela, you sound like a compassionate and enlightened individual.

I try because I know how it feels in exile... I like your quote and I dig it, too. Thank you!! !

I was sexually abused by my older brother for 5 years. The diagnosis of aspergers only hurt my being taken seriously, and while I kept pressing charges I never saw my day in court. I was told my older brother, also diagnosed AS didn't have the maturity to understand sexual urges, and so couldn't possibly have abused me ((while at the same time he almost went to jail for stealing money to buy pornography online)). Anytime I spoke out again there would be a new syndrome wrong with me, including clinical depression, bi-polar, skitzotypical personality disorder, psycosis, skitzophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and so on. By the age of 15 I was suicidal, and the only thing that saved me was a man I met online who promiced to take me away when I turned 18. He was nearly arrested on a number of occasions for having contact with me, until finally I turned 18 and he traveled to get me. We're now happily married.

OMG, I got goosebumps when I read tha last posting!! ! Please forgive your brother, he probably didn't have any idea how much he was hurting you!! ! I hope that you are happy and safe. I guess, G-d bless your husband!! ! This was absolutely the most moving posting ever. Thank you for sharing!! !
Love, Elena.

My brother doesn't have asperger's, he's a sociopath. He'd act innocent around adults, like a child, unable to control himself and awkward, then turn into a different person when alone. He'd manipulate situations and people to get what he wanted, and be so convincing at times I doubted my own sanity. He'd exploit my kindness by begging forgiveness and when I gave it he's only be all that more aggressive. He blamed everything on me, knowing I have low confidence, saying if I where nicer to him he wouldn't have to hurt me. He'd taunt me with things I wanted and needed, for a price I couldn't and didn't give into.

He understood what he did, but didn't care.

I hope that you are OK now. Are you safe now?
I ran away from my "past" life in my country (that included plenty of all kinds of abuse), I was "thinking" I was running away and the distance will make me feel like I start over, clean slate. It wasn't exactly the way I was hoping. But I found peace only recently, Thank G-d, when I made peace with a few people back there in my past and with the ones here, because I have a little collection here, also. I still get angry at my poor Mom (she's dead!! !) for the hell I went thru growing up. What I am trying to say and I don't want to sound like Dr. Phil or Oprah, so what I am trying to say is that we get peace when we let go of anger (same almost with forgivness, which is a step above letting go of anger). Easier said than done. I was horrible too in the process, I was blinded by rage and anger constantly (and it did't have anything to do with AS, I am saying this because I don't want to sound like I pity myself or blame something else). It actually feels so good to be anger free that I am finally enjoying my life. I feel like I am finally living, enjoying every little stupid thing that was annoying me before. I credit all this on letting go of anger. I don't really know how it happened, but it did and I love it.
Try to let time heal the wounds. It really works, but it takes shorter if you don't have any new additional drama.
Thank you for sharing, your story just gave me chills, I don't know exactly why...maybe because of the twist in the end, the man that took you away from the situation (I am a chronic worry-er, I don't know how to spell it). I am so happy that you're out of there, but worried still, please don't get offended. I hope that he treats you well and you are safe. I actually feel like your story is a fairytale, when the Prince came to rescue you, probably that's why I got chills, because it sounded so...right, I don't know what other word I can use. And knowing the laws in this country, I applaud him for what he did!
Love, Elena.

My husband is a wonderful man, and yes he takes care of me, I have no complaints being with him. I understand what you mean by letting go of anger, it's just not an easy thing to do. For years I depended on being angry and hating him to keep myself strong, now it's odd not to need it. I'm mad because of nightmares, because I can't even be around men without being afraid, and I'm mad because he doesn't care. How do you get over it? My entire family thinks I'm a lying monster, and can't even explain to them how scared I was and still am.

I am so afraid of men...I can't explain how bad!! ! I do understand. My heart goes out to you. I really think that love and understanding from your husband are crucial. And I am so glad to hear that he is good to you!! ! Your family can not comprehend what happened, they are embarassed, humiliated, hurt, hurt, hurt. I have heard of this kind of reaction before, where the victim (or I should call you the survivor) is victimized again by that kind of denial behaviour. Just think what your brother will have to face in gthe future. There is NO BAD PERSON on this planet! Eventually we all come to a point when we have an honest look at what we are, what we did, who we hurt...his time is coming and I bet you by then you will forgive him. Maybe you will be the one to help him!! !
I never told my Dad about being raped by our handyman when I was 5-51/2? I can't even bring myself to put an exact time to that, because I don't want to spoil the good memories that I have from the same time, like meeting my best friend, moving in a new house, starting elementary school (which for an AS child is a nightmare, but better than rape... etc). I never told my family about gang rape or rape with a automatic rifle at the foot of the bed, either...I know it sounds like I am making up stuff, but just remember that those things were happening in a Communist country, where everything was tabu and if you got raped, too bad, vigilante justice was your only hope that the sexual preditor would be punished or put out in a car "accident" or something similar. I came to USA and little by little, watching TV I realized that good women get raped, you don't get raped because you are a bad kid or woman. Anyway, I will never tell my family, it will be too hard for them to understand and my Dad is getting ready for his new journey, he doesn't need to be traumatized with what happened years ago. I recently told my ex-boyfriend and I hope he will not say anything to them, I begged him not to. I think that he was crying when I told him, he also didn't know that I have AS, I didn't know the name for this before. So maybe now he understands why I was so weird and pasive. I know he does. Talking to my ex-boyfriend was part of healing and letting go, he was very abusive also. And I didn't think anything of it then, I didn't know any different. Anyway, I don't expect from people that didn't go thru those kinds of human garbage traumas to understand what I am talking about, so I usually don't tell anybody about it, unless I think it's appropriate. Mainly I don't want to take anyone's innocence. Life can be normal, too, why would they know about uglyness?

I don't know what to say to confort you. Your family has years and years of thinking and dealing with this. Another thing is...very painful to say and please don't get offended, it's still your brother...people that are sexual bullies or abusers or perpetrators etc. usually "trip", maybe the family would wake up when they would see that this a pattern. People always trip, I hope that's the spelling. We always make the same mistake a few times. That would be a very rude painful awakening from the denial. Don't hate them, it is common behaviour to rather victimze you inhstead of dealing with it. It is denial and inability to cope with the truth, it is way too painful for them, they feel guilty, ashamed they didn't protect you, angry that you were taken away (in any circumstance a family suffers when a child moves away) etc. Your brother getting prosecuted would be a faster way for him to deal with his own actions, but if he's not, being on your own with your thoughts and lies is a far bigger punishment...

All the best for you and your husband!! !

Love, Elena.

hello cerasela

sending you big non contact hugs and love, you are truly a wonderful person so kind and caring, and to have suffered so much, it makes me angry to hear of people going through this, especially gang rapes and rape with weapons, they are the worst and so scary, you are so right that it does not happen because we are bad , imo it happens because they do not understand that what they do to others will come back to them, if they think they are having fun they should wait until they are experiencing their fate , well that is the thought that keeps me going, i do not haveto seek revenge because life will do it for me, i hope, and besides, i prefer to spend my time now with my wife, who is amazing and also an aspie, with adhd so is so much fun to be around and not scary at all lol, i thinkyou have the best attitude ever, i am glad that you have let go of your anger and i hope the rest of your life is wonderful to make up for the past. madz x

If your brother is a true sociopath, then you need to walk away from him and stay away from him. Sociopaths don't have the capacity to connect to another human being so he is never going to feel sorry for what he did and you wanting that is only going to hurt you in the end - not him. This is pretty simplistic, but gets straight to the problem Are you with a sociopath?. Basically in Sociopathy something is wrong with the frontal lobe either through trauma, environmental influences (didn't develop right) or biology. trauma causes of Sociopathic behavior Sociobiology of Sociopaths

Regardless of what causes it, the sociopath has no capacity to form secondary levels of emotions (love, hate, remorse, etc.) and wanting them to or thinking they will has no bearing at all on what will actually happen - nothing. I had to learn this with my mother, who is a diagnosed Sociopath, and you'll have to learn it with your brother if he is a Sociopath. I've watched all my brothers, my father, my aunts and uncles, my nieces and nephews and the various people around my mother think it's them. They all think they can do something to change the situation. Instead, they are setting themselves up to be "played" with again. What they don't "get" is that she has no way to connect with them as people. She sees them as something other than what she is. She is detached from them, but curious about them and not in an innocent way. Very, very young children have sociopathic tendencies when they poke a bug to see what it will do or strike the family dog because they don't understand that it feels pain the way they do. A normal child grows out of this, but a Sociopath never will. There is no association whatsoever between what the Sociopath feels and what he or she thinks another person will feel. The games are more of a curiosity thing. What would happen if I did ____ to this person? How would they react? It's like a science experiment to them. If I poke you in the eye, what will you do? If I tell the neighbors you stole something, what will they do? (and no thought in that case about what you will feel as a result) If I rape you, how will you respond? There are no emotions attached to any of those for a Sociopath and you wanting it won't make it so. There's nothing that can be done for them at all. No drug, therapy or anything else will work. It is simply gone.

That's the first thing you need to understand to move on. You need to accept that this is what your brother is and it has nothing to do with whether he liked you or not because he can't like you. He can't feel anything for you at all except an idle curiosity about how you work and what he can get you to do. You're right when you say he knows it is wrong and he doesn't care. He doesn't if he's a Sociopath. He neither wants to nor can he change. He simply doesn't have it in him in the literal sense.

The other thing you need to understand is that you need to fully disengage from him. That means no contact because the minute you have contact with him, you are opening yourself up to his games. Any contact, no matter how innocent it might seem is going to be used to play a game with you. It can be as simple as he twists your words and uses them against you with other people just to see what they will do. It can be as complex as pumping other people for things you say to use against you. Sociopaths are very adept at appearing normal and charming so people are all too willing to talk to them about anything. They take that and use it for their own amusement. Remember, this is the only way they have to engage with other people. It is their social behavior. They don't ascribe good or bad to it and you would be mistaken if you did that because that's not what is going on. People with normal emotions ascribe "evil" and "bad" to their behaviors because if we did them they would be. In a Sociopath, there is no such judgement going on since they can't connect. They view it as experimentation with a being they literally see as another species. They don't make those emotional value judgements and if you are waiting around for that, you are only wasting your own time and emotions. It's better to understand them and get away from them. Otherwise, you'll end up being hurt over and over in their games and they literally won't care at all.

I'm just telling you the things I learned from my own experiences with my mother. When she was very young, she tried to kill my brothers. Our family doctor tried to treat her with some kind of mother's helper (this was in the early 50's). They did nothing but make her worse. He sent her to a Psychiatrist who tried other drugs then gave her shock treatments. None of that helped her, but it did make her smarter and she made sure that the things she did after that would not be caught. We paid the price of that. I was not very emotional myself, but instead very academic about things. That actually helped me with her because I observed her with my brothers and figured out very quickly that it was nothing they did that influenced her, she simply played with them because she could. I felt bad for them and would stand up for them, but I quickly lost all feeling for her (by age eight actually). On the other hand, I was very attached to my father emotionally because it was reciprocated. So I guess my AS was good for something, at least in the way it presented in me. (For my oldest brother it was no help and she destroyed him and continues to inflict as much damage as she can destroying every relationship he has so he's isolated.)

My mother is now in her 70's, still doesn't feel a thing for anyone, still feels no remorse and still has paid no price. She'll die that way. The control I have is not to have contact with her and to severely limit my contact with my family so they can't take anything back to her that she can use against me.

I know what you mean about not being able to talk about these things. I can forget talking about my mother at all. I can't relate to the relationships anyone else had with their mother because it has nothing in common with the things I experienced. I learned long ago not to bring it up. People are curious about her, but I simply don't respond even to whether she is alive. Any time I did it just invited comments like, "Oh, she loves you. She's your mother. She feels something, she just doesn't show it." Or, some other such nonsense. They are reading emotions into a Sociopath and they will drag me down that path and waste my time and energy if I let them. So, I shut it down. I don't want to live like I did for 18 years with being isolated with her in a small town 1/4 of a mile from the closest neighbor.

If your husband helps control this (mine does), that's a good thing. The more he understands what is happening, the better for you because he can't be used as a way to get to you.

I'm sorry you went through that Goche21. I suggest you get a book like the Sociopath Next Door or read the articles I attached. They will help you understand it and let it go. You can't erase what happened to you, but you can let go of the feelings that your brother should feel sorry and change. You need to control the things you can control and let the others go. That requires understanding your brother's mind.

I would have been pre-disposed to sexual abuse if I hadn't had five brothers and a father who watched me constantly. My roommates in college took on that role and later my husband. I don't pick up on anything and most of the time I'm unaware of everyone around me so I never know when predatory men are watching me and sizing me up as a victim. I have problems with those men coming up to me constantly and trying things, but I've been fortunate in having NTs around me who realize something is wrong and running them off. I'm not really sure why they notice it, but they do. The men have to actually "tent" me before I get it (a term used by an old bouncer friend of mine ) or back me right into a corner. That happens to me quite frequently, sad to say. If I put myself out to watch for it, I'd be watching all the time and miss my life. I'm not even sure I would notice anything. There have been times I was looking right at the man and had someone say to me, "You don't know him, do you? You need to stay away from him." I didn't see anything wrong. My husband is constantly on me about this. It makes him very afraid to let me out of his sight. My brothers worry about it just as much. None of them think I'm safe out on my own. Even my bosses and co-workers say things about it. It really boils down to I academically know what I'm looking for in non-verbal communication, but I don't actually "see" it. It's a real handicap and I suspect that's the problem most of you are having as well. It's hard to defend yourself when you don't have any way to see it coming.

I've actually been attacked a couple of times, but since I grew up with all brothers, I took care of that on my own. Men especially have a tendency to think I'm helpless, but after my startle response wears off, if they persist I will turn on them. That's when everything my brothers taught me about how fight kicks in. That hasn't happened often, but when it has, they run. I'm sure that's nothing more than the element of surprise. They were all much bigger than I was and in much better shape.

One thing I can tell you is that having a dog helps. I had a Doberman and she was superb at reading non-verbal communication in humans. The few times she took exception to a man approaching me, they quickly left. Her hair would raise up on her hackles and she would pull her lips back to growl. Very intimidating. Of the thousands of people we passed on walks, she did that about three times. I completely trusted her judgement. Now I have a German Shepherd. He's pretty silly, but his size keeps people away. He goes with me if I'm out alone. No one approaches me when he's around. If your problem is bad enough, that's one way to feel safe, but make sure your dog is trained well.

No Problem Grim,

I was purchased for sex abuse under the guise of a friendly flag.
I was sexually abused.
I've had relations with 1 blood family, and 5 adopted family. 6 if you count my uncle/priest adopted. And a dog. Not much you can do when people you love are being held under threat of death.
And an array of things I don't remember.
I have endured 3 family ordered rapes by strangers-one which lasted 2 years-resulting in a child who is being held on threat of murder.
One rape by drug resulting in near death-again a family member was closely involved.
And in all of that process a few misc. assaults that don't fit the other mo's.

was raped when I was 9 years old. enough said.

I have also been a victim of sexual abuse. I have been sexually assaulted by one man and 2 days later raped by another when I was 15 yrs old. I have also been groped and felt up by my g-pa since I was 13 but it just stopped this yr....thank god. If you wanna talk more feel free to PM me. I'm very open about all of the things I've been through b/c I know it may help sum1.

seabright i send you much love, i do not want to say too much about what happened to me on an open forum but i really feel for you, it was my sister that was used against me from the age of 6 to 26, i was lucky as i am infertile, iwas the product of an affair and when she went back to her husband i was part of the price of his taking her back, even the name i was given (which i no longer use) was because he thought it sounded exotic, and i would achieve a higher price, and this was all decided before i was even born, now i am lucky no one takes anything from me that i do not give freely, stay strong, luck can happen, i want to say more but it is hard to even type with so much emotion, so just stay strong, they can not steal all of your life

Up to a few years ago, I would get approached by numerous co-workers/ bosses and man-handled, what have you. People treated me like nothing. I realized I was a magnet to this because I was timid, and had no voice. I really think being AD has it's disadvantages while there is preditory perverts running around. We are easy targets.