Supportive thoughts to a domestic violence situation please

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I'm so scared of the rollercoaster I've just started, I only wanted a log of abuse to help prevent a reoccourance of DV which was controlled 10+yrs ago by a DV perpetraters course... but in GB, the CPS takes it outta your hands and now I'm waiting for them to come and arrest him while trying to be supportive, there for my kidz and not piss off my absent & silent freinds too much.

While an increasingly small percentage is functioning normally, more and more of my concious is being filled with a constant screaming inside my head and I feel like my heart is breaking (although I know this is just the physical effect of acute & sustained anxiety).

So I've given a statement and doing it by the book, being really careful not to talk about anything which might soar his stress levels further and lead to an arguement/ other incidents... I'm not cringing which started him off all that time ago, although standing & taking it doesn't seem any better... Please tell me that you are thinking supportive thoughts to me so when I start sinking I can know that I can mentally reach out and tap that strength....

I am thinking supportive thoughts of you. Hope you get through this soon.

*hugs*
I've been a child in a similar situation, though maybe not as bad. I hope it works out properly for you, and I'll definitely be thinking of you in the meantime.

i am also thinking supportive thoughts and i hope you can find a way to become free of he DV in your life.
You deserve to live a peaceful and nice life that accords with your rights and how you want to live.

good luck on your journey.

Thank you so much- these msgs fill me with strength, guyz, and are very appreciated right now....xxx

I can relate to some of your story and it reminds me of my childhood - I will be thinking about you and wish you the best. I hope everything works out as soon as possible so you can find some peace of mind and healing.

Good luck

You can count on my support. Well being and safety takes priority over everything else. I wish you well.

I affirm your value as a person and your right to be safe. My good and supportive thoughts are with you. Please communicate to let us know you are well.

Thx, guyz, there's been many times lately when my strength has been running low and I've been functioning on the support from WP peeps like you kind folk....

Guess I owe the story and its update.... crikey, sorta wish there was an ending but lifes' never that simple, is it? I was in a relationship with a man who developed an increasing drugs habit- hell, we smoked some dope together and he'd get off the rails on hard liquer but nothing prepared me for when he developed a habit later on in my pregnancy. It reached a head when I found him shaking our 6 week old son shouting 'if you don't f*****g shut up, I'll shut you up for f*****g good'. I did the sensible thing and kicked him out- he'd moved in to my house and I'd supported us both so I felt pretty justified on the grounds I could protect myself, but not my son.

I got together with a good man a year later, someone who worked, had pride, strength.... and my son started calling him Daddy.... my heart melted and we moved in together. Then the drinking started, which I didn't mind- my whole family are drinkers (scared me into being teetotal but I could hack it). And then the recriminations, belittling... telling me I was a crap mother, f*****g useless, couldn't cook, kept the house filthy, never had a succesful relationship... and gradually, the rages brought on redmists where he'd justify his anger & frustration by telling me that he knew why Simon had smacked me a bout, because I deserved it by emasculating him by owning the family house and working to keep it. So we bought a place together (twat, eh?! But the Aspie in me has faith above and beyond reason...)

Didn't take long until the recriminations built up... I remember a freind being shocked to find me polishing skirting boards to try to fulfill his expectations about what I should be doing. It wasn't good enough. One day I'd had enough of the demeaning and threats and when he pushed me on the stairs and I nearly fell, I lost my temper and for the first time, hit him. Hit him, before he hit me. A BIG mistake- he shouted 'did I want a f*****g piece of him, hey? Come on then..' and pulled me down the stairs then strangled me till I lost conciousness. The next few years continued in the same cyle of violence until we organised a party one night and instead of just him, the freinds I'd told about my situation (his freinds, we didn't have any others by then) joined in after I'd run away to escape his cruelty. They didn't throw punches too, just kept a ring round us while he kept hitting me to stop anyone at the safe house I thought I'd found from stopping him- one brave lass tried to help but got the same treatment and that's the only other time I ever fought back because I couldn't bear seeing her thrown around for trying to protect me.

I gave them a damn good piece of my mind when I saw 'em again, wrote to the ones I thought I could have trusted to help me with enough vitriol that she had to go sick after reading it at work... and he left for a trial seperation and to volentarily do a Domestic Violence course, which he really took on board- the drinking stopped provoking violent outbursts and although he could be pretty abusive and derogatory, I'd seen him through it and things were so much better I thought I was safe. Strong enough, even, to marry him a few years later...

So, cyclic verbal abuse was ok. I deserved that (!) and was strong enough to take it. We had a child ourselves who is ASD...which he denied although he's diagnosed after being spotted at school.... so now, I was f*****g mad too. My Dads' the clearest OlderAspie you could ever meet. We'd all conspired to 'f**k up his life' and gradually, painfully, he started ranting at his stepson whenever things caused him frustration- which became throwing him round because HE was causing the frustration- shouting, punching, swearing, demeaning, all the nightmare came back to revisit. When our youngling (6yrs) couldn't control himself when ordered, the shouting would start at him too and within the longest 10 seconds where I'd find myself flying up the stairs in slow motion, there'd be a ringing slap...'see what you've made me do? now shut up or i'll have to do it again....' and my only tactic to stop it was to try to enter the room because while he was trying to barricade me out of it, he was directing his anger at me. It was clear what he'd done, deny it as he might- the marks would be there a good 2 hours. Never full bruises. As if I was about to say, he wasn't THAT bad....

I can't believe I let this happen and I feel so damn guilty about it. If you're reading this and in this situation, don't feel guilt- just stop it by telling someone, womens aid is a fine place to start.

So, after he launched at my eldest (17 now) and tried to throttle him in the shed, rather than try to talk about it and vent my extreme concerns, I DID talk to him about it- I'd been trying for years but it was always the same, anger, threatening behaviour, then run up the pub. This time he grabbed me by the ears and shook my head over and over again. And I called the police to ask for a log to be started. When I gave a statement they told me that they'd be following it through and that I wasn't able to stop it... thank the gods... it was out of my hands. I still tried to mitigate it as much as possible and he's been given arrested & given a caution so next time it'll be the works, court, probation with conditions... and next time, we won't be sticking around. My eldest is disgusted, he feels I've been sucked in again. But he tried before and there's the weight of the law behind us now, I've sorted councilling for both husband and eldest, youngest has a social worker and I'm awaiting councilling from womens aid so things are in place.

I'm hoping that finally, I can stop being strong for everyone else, including the perpetrator and get on with being truly strong because I don't have anyone threatening me or my children. I think he needs a diagnosis because his anger presents so similarly to our Aspie son who can throw the mother of all tantrums- or is that learnt? And although he says very little about himself, does the fact his mother packed up the family and fled to England after he began seeing wrecked rooms say that this is behaviour that is being passed on generation after generation? Do I show my kids that it can be overcome, having damaged them by letting them learn it for themselves?

Sooner I get that councilling, the better, I'm not equipped to cope with the emotional fall out myself. And if we do control the violence, how do I control the abuse of control, power, money, belittling, ranting.... someone wave a magic wand towards middle englandshire, please.....

Stangegem, do you have an insights which might help me help my sons as you have their angle on this? I'd really appreciate it but understand you may not wanna revisit those memories.... was there anything that helped you in particular?

In my case, I was younger, and what helped the most (in my specific case, and yes, I think it was less severe) was mom left dad. there was a restraining order and everything.
after that we weren't as afraid, we were no longer scared of our dad as much. even after we started seeing him on weekends again, he had to mostly behave or he would lose visitation rights. He still scared me a lot of the time, he's manipulative and has bipolar and probably aspergers too, so it gets really complicated to try to have any sort of relationship with my dad at all. However, I don't have to fear him spanking me with an inch thick wooden cutting board anymore. they separated when I was 11, and I'm so glad I've had the 8 years since then to properly grow, I can't imagine them staying together longer... the thought scares me, quite frankly.

there was also a lot of therapy involved after the split, we were able to get a little bit of funding for things like that, being aspie, and participate in community programs and stuff, that's actually how my family was diagnosed: we all have ADD, two of us have ADHD, and two of us have Aspergers. the first therapist we had helped us to realize all sorts of things about each other, family dynamics, etc, so that was really helpful.

depending on the therapist, that's the biggest thing (besides leaving the abuser) that I could suggest. and talk to your kids, they're the best experts on themselves right now. at the very least they can tell you how they feel about the situation, what they might need, where their strengths and weaknesses are, to get help if they need it. I'd probably suggest reading the book "look me in the eye", an autobiography about an aspie kid who was raised by a drunk, abusive father, although I think the doctor in that book is a little nutty.

Feeling safe is something that's very important to me these days. I hate seeing people hurting, myself or others, so this thread kindof struck a chord.

It's chord that you've turned back into a pure n good note then Strangegem, your insights help me to be a more considerate & empathetic mother to some of the best loved people in my life and I'm profoundly grateful for your input, love! Your situation doesn't sound less severe.... was there any particular specialism or source for the therapy that was particularly good, mebbe accessed through the doctors or a mental health service?

I'm extremely lucky to have a very strong and open relationship with my eldest where we can sod off, park up and have a damn good natter over a coupla fags (inappropriate parenting, I guess, but hey, we talk!!) which has been a sanctuary for both of us.

I'll do an amazon search for that book. You in GB? I find USA WP'ers have a totally different path to help but it's still enormously helpful if you know you gotta interpret the system to find the GB equivalent!

Canada, actually, so yeah, a bit of a different system to go through, I suppose. mom did a lot of setting it up, and a lot of it was because we were generally underpriviledged most of the time. we got funding for being autistic too, and there was an autism support group in town to point us to the right places and resources, which really helped.

lol, if you and your eldest have a good relationship and you guys are talking, that's good. that's better than most families I've seen, so congrats on that.

Awww, thx, Strangegem, it means a lot to me. Things are a lot more sorted now, we've turned the corner and if it happens again, which I doubt cos Husband seems to be raking it on board & working hard at changing the way the power balance and communication happens, looking at handling his stress etc... eldest has met a councillor who TBH alienated him in the first 3 sentences and spent nearly an hour speaking bout her agenda, but has decided to chat to some of his good m8s and kinda look for people he can respect to talk to... youngling (7, ASD) has been remarkably unaffected but his brilliant teacher knows... gels a bloody star....and me? I can relax a bit more, don't feel like I'm having a heart attack all of the time.

Thank you, folk, for thinking strong thoughts my way, you've really helped me feel supported and thanks especially to those who put comments/ replied to blog and Strangegem in particular for helping me help my sons. *HUGE*Hugs!

I'm really sorry about the experience with the therapist. I had one like that, but he was very genial and I felt bad interrupting him, so eventually I 'accidentally' forgot appointements and stopped going. the only kind of therapist that would help is one who listens. in theory, that's what they're for, but sometimes practice falls a little (a lot?) short


please, if it ever happens again, address it immediately. I'm not expecting anything bad, but I hate to see anyone in a bad situation, when I know it doesn't have to be that way. I wish you the very best of luck from here forward.
*hugs*