Frustration with my boyfriend

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The program I went into, provided an apartment and a roommate. But they had other units where you could live alone. A counselor checked in on me everyday, and they worked with me on things like keeping a budget, finding a job, receiving counseling, etc. Soon I was able to move out and into a place of my own. If you were to take such a step, you wouldn't have to break up with your boyfriend! You would just be coming at the relationship from a more independent stance. Now, I am not saying you have to follow my advice! I just wanted to share my story, and point out the advantages of being on your own, versus living with someone while in a relationship.

That program sounds fantastic. I am looking into something like that, or the possibility of moving out on my own, without breaking up. I think if I can even just see that the possibility is there, I won't feel so trapped.

Nekowafer wrote:
Pistonhead - he did send the pictures for an ego boost. But that's the thing.. I often tell him how attracted I am to him, and I show it, and I prove it. I've had issues with that before and I don't want to mess that up. He said he did it because he thinks I only like him physically because I love him. As in, I wouldn't find him attractive if I didn't love him. Which isn't true. He is the most attractive guy I've ever dated, and I've told him this.

What does this mean? He must have some issue relating to love and sex. Can you explain what this means because I don't understand his words.

He thinks that I'm only physically attracted to him because I'm in love with him. Which is ridiculous. It's kind of hard to understand, and I think it was crazy of him to think that.

It still doesn't make sense to me - perhaps I'm too dense to get the meaning - but I'm trying...

Why is your attraction to him - with love - a problem for him?

He wants me to be physically attracted to him, whether or not I love him. And I am, but he didn't believe it. He doesn't want me to lose my physical attraction and only be there for the emotional attraction - which again is just silly. It shouldn't matter which attraction it is as long as it's there. And both are there.

He just wanted an ego boost, and for some reason my telling him how sexy I think he is doesn't count.

The people you love *USUALLY* don't have anything bad to say about you because they are BIASED in your favor and so they are NOT reliable sources of validation. Not to me anyways. No matter how many times a girl tells me they love me or they love a special part of me, no matter how many times they take action to prove it they are still biased. Some girls you can find ugly and still hit on or otherwise as a guy. I had a friend named Amy. She was fatter than my ex, more girly than my ex and we really had no common interests. Still it bugged me that she said she wasn't attracted to my (or for that matter any male) body.

FemmeFatale, this sort of issue is more rooted in a distrust of people having agendas rather than being honest. It's not inherently sexual.

That's an unfortunate view to have. People who love you are biased, but that doesn't mean they'll lie to you. I don't hit on guys I don't find attractive. Not that I hit on a lot of people.. but still. You can't assume that everyone who loves you is lying to you, that's a miserable way to live.

I always make it clear that I need honesty no matter what. I'd rather have someone be honest and hurt my feelings then be dishonest - if I find out about that dishonesty later, it hurts much worse. That was a big issue with my boyfriend at first, he would lie or not tell me the whole story. Then when I found out (as I always did, it seems) it really hurt. People say that it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission, but that is absolutely not the way it is with me.

And as for the other girl not finding you attractive, of course it hurts. There's this kind of mean guy that I've been hanging out with. He's cute, but he's rude and kind of annoying. Still, when he told me he hated my body, it hurt. Even if I'd never do anything with him, it would be nice if he found me attractive. But oh well. I dated a guy a few years ago who didn't find me attractive at all, and he told me so. Which I don't understand. He loved my personality, and that's awesome, but you can't discount the need for physical attraction. That relationship ended quickly. Now he loves fat girls (like me) and tells me he wants me back -_-

It is an unfortunate view I won't deny that but it's not far from the truth.

Yes, honesty>dishonesty. Not that anyone agrees with me.

Fat girls are an acquired taste. Once you've been with a bone rack you want a big rack. Though technically I always liked bigger girls to a degree but prior to being 14 thin was sexy.

Your boyfriend sounds pretty mean. Mine has ADHD and will tease me impulsively sometimes in front of friends, but never maliciously, and never, ever about my AS. He says stuff like "it's because you are my aspie" if I tell him something's upset me and I don't know why, but will cuddle me at the same time and say it in a soft voice, so it doesn't feel patronising or taunting at all (which is good, 'cause he doesn't mean it like that). Sometimes I significantly frustrate him - this is partially due to aspies being frustrating at times and partly as his ADHD gives him a short attention span for things he doesn't enjoy, like being annoyed - but we always talk it through, and we've only been together a year so are still learning how best to deal with each other. It usually takes us a while to get around to understanding what the other one is talking about if we have a disagreement but... yeah, essentially, he will never take the piss out of my being autistic, and I would not stay with a man who did. No way. I don't think you should, either, even though the change in your life would be tricky to adjust to in the first instance.

I've always liked bigger girls better. I've dated a few. And I believe honesty is almost always better. There will very rarely be a time where it would just hurt to know, and help to not know, but that's maybe 1 out of 100000 to me.

I don't think he's trying to be mean. He is mean, but I don't see any malicious or evil feelings behind it. The problem of course is that he doesn't think he's being mean at all. I'm beginning to think that maybe he is an aspie as well - it would really explain a lot of things. But he would never take that seriously. He thinks he's perfectly normal. Which is part of the problem again. He thinks he's normal and I'm the crazy one, which means that when he says something and I'm offended, it's my fault.

He sounds like an aspie to me as I've said before. That whole paragraph points to it.