Any Female in their mid to late twenties....

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I'm a bit older than you guys and am still single. I've only recently realized I almost certainly have AS and where it shows the most I think is in personal relationships. I definitely have a fear of intimacy and a need to spend a lot of alone time. Too much interaction exhausts me - I guess it's sensory overload. I would say I'm very comfortable with my own company but at them same time I really crave having a close relationship with the right person. Another problem is that I'm pretty immature for my age and often don't feel "grown up"enough for a serious relationship. I guess I'm sort of uncomfortable with the typical girlfriend/wife role. - I seem to be attracted to a very specific type of man who unfortunately is the exact opposite of someone who would be supportive of someone with my particular difficulties and, I know it's shallow but looks are important to some extent. I guess that's my NT side showing if I have one.

Commonsense tells me I should look for someone who is very nurturing and socially adept (the opposite of me) but at the same time kind and understanding of my ways. Unfortunately, I don't tend to be interested in the ones who show interest im me . This might be a self esteem thing as I wonder what's wrong with them if their expectations are so low they'd choose someone like me.

I've been told I'm quite attractive and young looking for my age and still get "hit on" but I'm pretty sure I put a decent number of men off with my mannerisms or they can sense my trepidation. Some of it might be that I don't really put myself out there a lot and have significant social anxiey about dating. I can only put on the fun and flirtatious act for so long and I'm always afraid that when I show my true colors it will turn men off. It's weird because I'm quite a sexual person and fantasize a lot but also have sensory issues where I am uncomfortable with touch or closeness unless I know someone really well. I think I can feel and understand romantic love which I know some people here have issues with, but I don't think I'm on the same emotional level as an NT female of my age.

I don't think any of us should feel bad or odd about being single though. It's enough to handle getting through every day life, holding down a job, taking care of kids/parents/pets and managing the special challenges we face. We are also extremely self reliant and resourceful due to out lifestyle in a way which few NTs seem to be. The idea of having to be in a couple is kind of an artifical social construct maybe more suited to the NT way of thinking. I don't think we would feel that we were missing out so much if society wasn't pushing this in our faces every day as the only way to be happy. A lot of NT marriages and relationships fail or are extremely unhappy. It's nice to find someone, but it's also not worth it to settle for someone just for the sake of having a partner.

@windchime - I really liked your post . I can relate to it A LOT.

Thanks Keira

I can understand you I feel. I was this close to being engaged to a man who truly understood me condition and all then I lost him in a accident 5 years ago . Now I feel so unattractive to anyone period. I miss my bf with all my heart but so long for someone to like me for me, someone to cuddle and hold, to hang out with and be a companion. Sex would be nice but it's optional.

I agree. It seems a lot of aspie women do have relatively successful marriages but we don't hear so much about them in the media etc. The "role models" seem to be single women who have made a name for themselves because of their careers or outspokeness. I'm a big Temple Grandin fan too although as a vegetarian and profound animal lover I don't always agree with some of her ethical views. A few positive role models who also had successful marriages/long term relationships might instill us with a bit more confidence.

Personally, I have kind of got a handle on the career side of things but that takes so much out of me. I have a lot of human interaction during the day inc;uding having to very supportive of my bosses (almost a "work wife") and clients, tons of writing etc plus all the distractive/sensory issues that make our lives so "interesting" . By the end of the day, when it comes to the idea of a full time emotional relationship like marriage it seems really daunting. I fear I would expect too much from my husband and maybe be too much pf a burden. I can be really tired and antisocial by the end of the day and always need at least an hour or two alone time before I can even return any phone calls.

Another of my difficulties on terms of finding Mr. Right that I forgot to mention is that I'm really bad at reading social signals. I'm always misconstruing flirting for innocent friendliness and sometimes vice versa. If a guy doesn't tell me head on that he is interested, I will totally miss any subtle hints, let alone being able to distinguish between signs as to whether he just wants a one night stand or sees me as girlfriend material. I often end up categorizing someone who is intially romantically interested in the friendship zone or alternatively say or do something immature or unromantic around someone I am attracted to which leads to my being seen as a "little sister" type

. It's really annoying because I don't have too many really close female NT friends I can get advice from and I don't feel comfortable asking my male friends about these things. I also tend to naively assume that just because a guy is married or dating another woman or is a work colleague we are both interacting only on a friendship level and I can say and act how I want without being thought to be flirting. This is sometimes misconstrued. I think there's another thread going which deals specifically with this point. This too has led to misunderstandings

Hearing what other women in the same boat have to say is really helpful especially just knowing that someone else "gets it". It would be great if a few married women would post too and tell us how they manage to cope.

I'm in my mid 20s and still single. I've had some casual encounters which were fun at the time, but I'm no good communicating with and caring for someone long term. I don't feel ashamed or like I'm missing out, except for brief moments of wanting to be like all the other women my age. I'm a loner, I get resentful of people who take up alot of my time. I'm hopeless at giving others what they need.
I accept this, its the way I am. I live on my own, I look after myself and provide my own entertainment. And you know what ladies, this is just as important for contentment as companionship.

I get on with guys better, I always have. I do get nervous when a male friend and I are growing closer because I have a habit of misreading emotions an screwing everything up usually I try to maintain a distance to save my friendships

I am 27 with HFA. I have never had a relationship, nor do I think I ever will. I do feel as though I am really the only one around here who is single. Even other single girls my age are still dating a lot and are never out of a relationship for long. I don't want that, to bounce from one relationship to the next; however, I would like to have a serious relationship with one person. I know that is very unrealistic for me though, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am getting used to the idea.

I'm 23 and chronically single.

i am almost always single (and in my late 30s). i have never had a long term relationship.

i don't have the energy to go into all the difficulties - there are so many - but a few were mentioned in the original post. disliking / failing to understand the female role is a big one. i think women are expected to do the "relationship maintenance" whatever that entails and since i don't know what it entails, i can't do it and things fall apart.

but maybe the biggest problem for me is almost an absolute inability to gauge how other people react to me / feel toward me unless they tell me directly. i can never figure out where i stand with my job, my family, friends i have had for twenty years. it tires me out too much to spend a lot of time with anyone. because i am so blind to this, there is no reflection of me in the outside world. i only know myself when i am alone.

I am 27 yr old female (diagnosed with Aspergers) and recently became engaged. My fiancé is the only man I have ever dated. He accepts me for who I am and I respect him for that. When I was in my late teens I did not think I would ever find a boyfriend because I never went out to clubs or out drinking. I would rather go to a museum than to a party any day of the week. I actually think that if my fiancé were to get evaluated for Aspergers, he may have some traits. Perhaps that is why we get along so well.

I'm female, in my late 20s, and have never been in a romantic relationship. I don't mind that fact. Maybe I'll be in a romantic relationship some day, and maybe I won't; it's not important to me.

I have never wanted a romantic relationship in generic, although there have been times when I have been interested in a particular person and would have liked to be in a romantic relationship with them.

I'm 26 and I've been single for 5 years. I had a few relationships before that, two long-term - one with a woman and one with a man, but they were horribly (emotionally) abusive. I never realized it at the time. I just thought that's how relationships work. I was just happy to have attention. I now know better and will never let anyone treat me that way again, but I can't find anyone now. For a few years I was happy to be single, but now I'm starting to get really lonely. The worst part is, when you're lonely, you're less attractive due to some stupid evolutionary crap that makes us want only the ones who don't want us back.

I've really come into my own in the last couple of years. I'm now happy with my appearance and am learning to be reasonably feminine (I'm not longer interested in dating women and men don't seem particularly attracted to girls who look like little boys). I think my social skills are good enough that most people don't know there's anything wrong with me. But the social rules I've learned are all for professional relationships and friendships. I never learned how to flirt, for example, and I have no idea how to read body language to determine if someone's interested or not. I asked some friends to give me some tips on flirting and they just looked at me like I was from Mars and said you just "do it." I explained my situation to them and they just shrugged and said "just do what feels right. It's all about reading the other person." So clearly they're of no help at all.

I also get the advice from friends that I should just get drunk, go out and grab someone and take him home. I've tried to tell them that I'm not interested in people I've just met. I have to know them first before they become attractive to me. (This is another thing they can't comprehend.)

Over the last year I've become pretty infatuated with several men, but as soon as I decided I wanted to try to pursue a relationship with them, each one of them discovered the love of their lives and immediately settled down. One of them in particular was perfect for me. A true artist, and I think he lives entirely in the right side of his brain. He has no sense of time whatsoever and is always late and forgetting things, but he has the truest, kindest heart of anyone I've ever known and would do anything for anyone. He's at least as strange as I am and the idea of judging anyone by their social skills, appearance, or anything external like that would never even occur to him. We used to share our art and he would always shower me with praise (the idea of lying or flattering someone never occurred to him either, he was always genuine with everything he said). We really clicked on some basic level. We understood each other. The problem was, he doesn't speak much English and I don't speak much Czech. We would try desperately to have conversations about philosophy and life and art, but when it was clear we had hit a wall, he would get frustrated and go talk to someone else. I started studying Czech, but too late. About half a year ago he started dating a woman he worked with (who was much older than him - he really seems to see people the way they are without regard for anything on the outside) and he disappeared into his relationship. I've only seen him a few times since then. Everyone says he looks really happy now and it's so great for him, but whenever he talks to me he gets a strange look on his face and shies away. I really feel like it could have been me if only I had learned to speak his language faster. I'm good with languages and I could have been fluent in a few months if I hadn't been so lazy about studying. I still find myself crying over him sometimes.

Now there are a couple of guys that I'm interested in, but I just feel so lost. How do I know if they're interested? How do I flirt with them and make myself attractive? (I know personality is most important, but you have to be attractive at first or they'll always just see you as a friend, learned that one the hard way.) How do I know when to back off and "play hard to get" (still need to learn that one) and when to advance? I'm so terrified of scaring them away, I end up being even more awkward than usual.

Yes, I am in the same boat. I am so lonely. Even when I was in a situation to try to get a bf it just didn't work out. I can't flirt and I find it really hard to force conversations. I have also hated being the third or fifth wheel in the past. Sometimes I was jealous but mainly I just wanted them to ignore that but it's hard for people who have dates to not notice your lack of one. I do have my share of sex toys but they can't kiss my neck or tell me I'm pretty. I also hate the way that women seem to always become someone else and develop interests in whatever their bf likes when they start dating them. I can't do that.