Demands for Sex placed on me

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LornaDoone
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07 Aug 2011, 1:43 pm

Mindslave wrote:

...but I clicked on this because sex was in the title with a capital S. ..

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Tequila
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07 Aug 2011, 1:45 pm

LornaDoone wrote:

This thread illustrates why I will NEVER share information like this on a public forum.

Nor will you talk to people who send you PMs either...

Tequila
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07 Aug 2011, 1:46 pm

Argentina wrote:

Perhaps it might have been prudent for you to ask me some more questions before making a judgement that I don't take any responsibility. I most certainly have made mistakes and have been trying in our relationship for 12 years. Many of my previous posts go into a lot more details about our relationship.

I suffered from OCD for 5 years and I took responsibility, got on medication to manage my symptoms and underwent cognitive therapy Unfortunately, my husband has not (for whatever reason) taken responsibility for a lot in our lives apart from the washing and cooking. Abusive behaviour in this household has been so bad that we have had police attendance at our home. We are not divorced because I wanted our marriage to work and I also knew something was not right with my husband and wanted to see that he got the appropriate care he needed. If we were to end it now, my husband would need assistance to get himself set-up. He does not have regular work, nor does he know how to find out the balance of our bank accounts.

If the guy's abusive, get out. You deserve better.

Rose_in_Winter
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10 Aug 2011, 12:09 am

Your husband may feel, consciously or subconsciously, that having sex on a regular basis would "fix" your relationship. If you had an active sex life during the high points of your marriage, he may associate sex with happiness, excitement, being in love...all good emotions. He may be seeking those emotions and thinks that if you had sex as much as you used to, he'd feel better. Next time he bring up sex, tell him that he is going about it the wrong way. Be direct. Tell him what he should do if he wants to make love to you...maybe you'd like to be romanced or seduced. Maybe you need an emotional closeness, so just having a deep conversation is enough.

He also needs to accept that your sexual rhythms and desires don't match his. It is possible for an Aspie to accept this and be gracious about it. My husband is impotent. It was very hard on me to accept that we weren't having a "dry spell," that the medication he needs prevents him from normal male function. I miss sex a lot, but I love my husband and I don't complain about our lack of a sex life anymore. He is a good man, and I have just had to learn to be understanding. (Although our relationship was better when we could make love.)

I don't think sex is the real issue here, though. It's not his being an Aspie, either, though. There is something fundamentally broken here. You two need to work together to figure out what that broken thing is, aif you can fix it, and if you want to bother fixing it.

AspieRogue

10 Aug 2011, 1:37 am

Argentina wrote:

I have explained to my husband that in order for me to want to have sex, the emotional stuff needs to be right.

Marriage is about commitment, and it is also very much a contract. You don't like the way he's treating you, fair enough....But then you're trying to manipulate him by withholding sex until you get your way! This is the sort of thing that makes spouses go astray and dooms marriages. So your tactic clearly isn't working and you guys just need to have some steamy secks at the very least to help mend your relationship.

KindaSorta
Emu Egg
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12 Aug 2011, 3:52 pm

AspieRogue wrote:

Argentina wrote:

I have explained to my husband that in order for me to want to have sex, the emotional stuff needs to be right.

Uh, no. The part you quoted there does not indicate manipulation or "tactics". It means she doesn't have any interest in having sex with him because of how he's treating her.

theslanket
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Joined: 7 Jan 2011
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13 Aug 2011, 2:36 am

Argentina wrote:

i really wanted our marriage to work

Although you are more than entitled to your own opinion about your own marriage, could the fact that you phrased that in the past tense be a clue you're done with this marriage?

Rudy Simone, the writer of Aspergirls, states that 80% of all marriages with Aspies end in divorce, doubtlessly because of the communication involved to make it work. The rate is even higher when you have a child with behavioral difficulties, like you said you have.

By ending your marriage, you'd be going down a fairly well-trodden road. Like always, you have to make sure that is what is better for you before you do it.

Argentina
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Joined: 28 Jan 2011
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14 Aug 2011, 9:55 am

theslanket wrote:

Argentina wrote:

i really wanted our marriage to work

There have been some events over the past week that have made me think that possibly we do have a chance to make things work. Specifically, I have put boundaries (legal) in place to prevent his abusive behaviour towards me. He has (remarkably!) accepted this without argument or blaming. Secondly, he has started to read about aspergers and trying to make sense of how we both think differently. there have also been some other things he has done which are out of character, but an indication that he has listened to some of my needs and trying to compromise. That is really all i have ever asked and it does make me feel more loving towards him and more emotionally connected. At the moment, i want to hang in there and see how things progress.

AspieRogue

14 Aug 2011, 2:15 pm

Argentina wrote:

theslanket wrote:

Argentina wrote:

i really wanted our marriage to work

Sex is a big part of marriage. If you don't start putting out for him sexually, your marriage is almost guaranteed to come to an end in a nasty divorce.

LostAlien
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14 Aug 2011, 4:15 pm

AspieRogue wrote:

Sex is a big part of marriage. If you don't start putting out for him sexually, your marriage is almost guaranteed to come to an end in a nasty divorce.

While sex is important in relationships it is not the be all and end all. Actually, in sexual couples it is usually an indication of the emotional health of the relationship. He's not meeting her emotional needs leading to issues with their sex life.

Argentina, regarding your relationship, it takes two working hard at it for a relationship to work. I'm guessing that you probably know this well all ready but in case you don't just letting you know. Abuse is not ok, having reasons doesn't make it ok to be abusive, it just gives something to work from to figure out the emotions.

Also, letting your partner know about emotional foreplay may help a little, knowing what your emotional foreplay is may be very helpful to him if he actually is wanting to pull his weight in your relationship. He may not be able to do the emotional foreplay all the time but if he can try it may help your relationship a good bit.

I hope you choose whats best for you. Take care.

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AspieRogue

14 Aug 2011, 4:50 pm

LostAlien wrote:

While sex is important in relationships it is not the be all and end all.

Never said it was.

Quote:

Actually, in sexual couples it is usually an indication of the emotional health of the relationship. He's not meeting her emotional needs leading to issues with their sex life.

I can't help but notice the other posters ITT are placing the blame squarely on Him, most likely because he is the Man and somehow her emotional satisfaction is his responsibility and not hers. I do believe there is a mutual obligation among both spouses to try to accommodate the others physical needs as well as emotional ones.

LostAlien
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14 Aug 2011, 5:03 pm

AspieRogue wrote:

LostAlien wrote:

While sex is important in relationships it is not the be all and end all.

Never said it was.

Quote:

Actually, in sexual couples it is usually an indication of the emotional health of the relationship. He's not meeting her emotional needs leading to issues with their sex life.

He's being emotionally abusive. This alone would make most women not want to be intimate because for many of us women sex and actually feeling loving towards a partner are required together.

Lets take this to a simpler level, if a person was rude (in a way that really hurt you) to you regularly would you want to smile at them or even be in the same room as them?

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