Maternal Instincts in an Aspie Female

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For me, "instincts" is problematic. I love my son. I didn't want children until I hit my 30s and then I started thinking about it. I'm sure that was a biological imperative going on. I always believed I would fail as a mother. My kid says I'm the best mother he's ever had.

I have a hard time with pretend games with him, likely because his pretend games tend to be more one-sided and I don't think they are a lot of fun. I am fiercely protective about him and have sort of decided to put "my" life on hold so I can help him (home education, etc.) be the best he can be faced with the issues he's faced with. On that note I'd say I'm extremely unselfish in comparison to my pre-mothering self.

It's been an awesome learning experience for me being his mother. I have had to push myself in ways I never though I'd manage. I have to go out and do "social" things on purpose so that he can make friends and have social experiences on a very regular basis (because he's not in school). I have to navigate people I would ordinarily never have anything to do with (other parents). When he was a baby, sometimes it was hard for me to having someone so close to me all of the time. I had to work through that and change my perceptions and feelings which I didn't think was possible. I'm not very huggy and don't like touching much, so learning how to be there in a physical way for my child was a definite learning curve. I ended up extended breastfeeding for three years.

I have a lot of respect for women (and men) who evaluate whether or not they will be effective parents prior to having children. I always worry about the "when you have the baby your hormones will kick in" theory. Having babies isn't a biological imperative even if our bodies might suggest otherwise. We're fortunate enough to be a species that can choose whether or not we procreate. I wish more people made that an active choice instead of something you just "do".

Thanks. I agree with you that it's very irresponsible to advise people to 'just have kids, your hormones will kick in and you'll do fine'. There is so much more to being a good parent than some estrogen/oxytocin.

Quoting League Girl

I see that so often and it always amazes me too and makes me angry. How can they not realize that if they need a coat or a jacket that their babies or kids do too? I feel so bad for those babies, because it seems to me that if these mothers (and fathers) are so clueless in this area, how many other areas are these babies being neglected in.

This is certainly a good argument against the idea that all women naturally have the mothering instinct or that it kicks in when the baby is born. And it may just be a matter of not knowing any better because their mothers did not have natural mothering instincts either and no examples of good mothering were available to be observed. Also, even without that "instinct" you would think common sense would kick in. Especially in the example that League girl brings up. I'm beginning to think that learning how to care for children is every bit as effective as instinct. Learning by example or observation or by childcare classes could make up to a great degree for the lack of maternal instinct. Some hospitals require that all new mothers attend a childcare class before leaving the hospital with their baby. I think that's a very good policy. Also, I didn't want to bring this up because the topic is Maternal Instinct, but really, it is pertinent to this discussion. Fathers or grandparents or older siblings can make up for what a mother, through no fault of her own, may lack. Many fathers make superb mothers.

I hated kids (actually more their parents but thats another story) and really NEVER wanted kids. Nature had different ideas for me and i fell pregnant while on contraceptive pill.

I spent 9 months wondering wtf I was going to do as I had no maternal bone in my body towards humans - animals a different matter. I read as much as I could of peoples experiences of motherhood on parenting websites to get as wide an idea of possible as to what to do... Research is my "skill"

Oddly when the baby was born it was all very instinctive, which was a massive relief. I went into autopilot and found myself just knowing what to do. It was a very odd and unsual experience for me.

I still freak at the idea of others kids and I dont feel maternal towards them and still cant be bothered with them, which probably makes me an evil person but as long as my own child is thriving thats all that matters.

I don't know personally if I have natural maternal instincts but I was practically raised working with kids so I got used to them. I definitely know more than your average NT teen/young adult about how to physically handle a small child. I prefer kids before they are able to speak and I've always been better with the disabled ones. But I definitely don't want a child and if I ever did I'm 99% certain I'd adopt or foster. My mom specifically has told me to never have kids... that's my decision . But I was very surprised b/c I have a friend who thinks I'm very good with small children from the few times he's seen me interact with them. I typically keep my distance due to not wanting to impose on someone else's kid though.

I remember getting this stranger wheeled into the room and the nurse saying "you'll figure it out." And that I did, luckily everything kicked in for me very suddenly an unexpectedly. I will say as they get older I am more instinctive with my Aspie, who was my first. My entee is a bit touchy/feely/needy and I meet all his wants and needs but he overloads senses I didnt even know I had!

As i was severely abused by my parents
the idea of having kids scared me and i got terrified
all throughout my pregnancy my mom was harassing me
eventually i had terrible time in the delivery ward
i didnt know how to hold the baby how to feed it
my hubby was very helpful
i am not interested in having any more kids
its too much responsibility and expense
also i will get into post partum depression

I get along with kids, I grew up in a big family so I'm no stranger to children and babies. However I couldn't imagine having any of my own biologically. We already have enough kids without parents as it is on this planet. We should be sorting that problem out first before procreating anymore. I'll most likely end up adopting.
The whole idea of reproducing turns me off.

I am certainly not psychologically or hormonally predisposed to wanting to have children. But If I would decide to have children, it would be to save the humanity and affect the current gene pool. Because I’d hate to see the world where all the aspies have completely disappeared. If I had children, I would most likely be extremely strict and would not be able to really show much of genuine affection either.
I haven’t really read much of the topic discussions about this particular issue, but Don’t Aspies usually have difficulty showing loving affection in relationships? or they might express it differently than how NTs would. Because NTs are very lustful, affectionate and passionate when it comes to expressing their love and making love. But I always imagined Aspies don’t express their affection very often. Like they would hardly ever say “I Love you” to each other. If they said something like that, wouldn’t that be based on calculated plan?
I do think I would have an easier time raising or dealing with Aspie children than normal babies which I think is one advantage for prospective aspie mothers thinking of having children with other aspie males. although I clearly remember being hated as a child due to my non-child like ways.
Another reason I can think of not wanting to have a child is because how difficult being an aspie in the NT world. if my experience on this planet has been positive one, I’d most likely want to share that with my offspring but if you feel like your life has been pretty much torturous, hellish and nightmarish, there is no reason for you to continue living, let alone having aspie childrens.

I was pretty firm about not wanting children. I've always seen them as crying snot/vomit bags. However I got pregnant at 15 and felt I should be responsible for my actions. I kept my son and I wouldn't change that for the world. I can't say I'm naturally nurturing. I read a lot of books so I could understand what babies need at different stages of development and in time I learned. Love came naturally even if knowing what to do didn't.
I now have 4 children and though I may not be typical I do my best to show them I love them and nurture them.

Now other peoples children are a different story. They irritate me. All the noise! Crying, whining, etc. I can't handle it.

I have no maternal instinct. I think of my son as one of my projects, and he is a remarkably happy, affectionate, well-fed two-year-old. Luckily I am obsessed with cooking and baking and sorting laundry, and I've been making mental notes on how best to raise children ever since I was one. I talk to him all day long, and hug and kiss him whenever it seems appropriate. Each time he reaches a new level of development we have a rocky period as I get frustrated while adjusting to the new routines, but I'm worrying about that less as I see how resilient he is.

He is closer to his dad than to me, although they spend much less time together. He calls for his dad when he's upset or afraid or wakes up in the night. I think it's because he's a little NT, and I don't give him the eye contact he needs. I am the one he comes to when he wants to point out something interesting, or something that he has accomplished. I can't wait to help him with his homework!

I don't have children, but I very strongly have maternal instincts, though they weren't visible until the past few years. Its actually my maternal instincts that cause me to not question my identify as female, because of just not being feminine in other manners.

I'm terrified that I won't be able to take care of children correctly because of my sensory overload, and I know that i'll have some challenges, but I still want kids and think that I can do it well, I'll just need help .