Autism (AS) After Having Kids

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For women of any age who have had a child or children, I'd like to take a general survey of how it has affected you and your autistic traits, especially aside from the direct impact that the added chaos and responsibility of having a child can have (if that's possible). Or at the very least (even just a yes or no), have your [problematic] autistic traits become worse since having a child?

I myself am a young adult with a four year old daughter. All of my AS traits have without a doubt become exponentially more pronounced (in most cases, 'worse' just seems more appropriate). I feel like I have aged 20 years. My anxiety is through the roof. My associated OCD tendencies have all been exaggerated. My ability to handle things (my body, my mind, everything) has become far more limited. My brain's capacity just seems to be reduced. The point at which I become overwhelmed has become much shorter. Some of it obviously has to do with all the changes that having a child has on your life. On the other hand, it seems like a lot of things are totally unrelated to having a child, and I guess the only thing I can attribute it to is the physical, biological, chemical, etc. changes that pregnancy and childbirth effects.

I can find zero information, formal or informal, on the topic and would like to get some input. Obviously if anyone can direct me anywhere else where I might find more on the topic, I would love the direction! Thanks!

Woted unsure. Since I just recently discovered asperger and have had kids for years, I find that things have vastly improved when I found about Asperger. Now I have tools to cope.

I don't have a diagnosis. My daughter has Aspergers and I'm like her in many ways. After having her, my life changed completely. Firstly, I have not worked since she was born, so that side of my life is no longer an issue. My job was a major source of stress to me. My lack of social skills, social anxiety, telephone phobia, feeling like I was in the wrong job, everything caused me no end of worry and sleepless nights. My daughter is a worry to me, but I don't ever lose sleep over it, although I have been in tears about her on numerous occasions. But, this is down to my daughter's specific traits, i.e. seldom doing a thing she is asked, appearing to ignore me, arguing about the least little thing and never taking my advice on anything, etc. She's also an amazing little girl and I don't really want to change her. However, if she didn't have these 'difficult' traits, I think life would be fine for me, certainly much easier than when I worked. I maybe wouldn't have the ups that I get now, but I'm sure I could cope better with being a mum than I did at my job. But, I doubt I could do both effectively, not at the moment anyway.

Kaitlyn, Do you work, as well as being a mother? Does your child have an ASD?

Last edited by Mummy_of_Peanut on 17 Sep 2012, 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have not had any children but Im curious to know about other aspie womens experiances with having children. Personally I think having children would drive me nut crazy. I suck at taking care of people.

I am also not sure. I have felt the same about my AS after having my son and he is still young. I did go through a period where I burned out and couldn't do much anymore. Now I am back to normal again and can function better as a parent again after my son was away for two months and my husband got better. He hurt his back and couldn't do much anymore so he couldn't help me out. So I got worse there with my anxiety and AS obsessions and had more ED problems also. I also wonder if I was depressed too during that time.

I also work part time and no way could I handle full time work and being a parent. If I get worn out in the late afternoon by my own child, just imagine what that be like if I worked full time? I have gone to work worn out by my own son. If I had to come home from my job when I worked full time and do my own thing and not want to be around my husband who was then my boyfriend, imagine that as a parent? Plus I never handled stress well and it makes my AS worse and my anxiety and it effects me psychically. Not good for when you have kids so parenting and full time work be too stressful. It was bad enough when my husband kept having seizures and then missing work and then falling and hurting his back and then there was less income and it was stressful and him not helping me out because his back hurt that bad so moving be too painful for him.

I have issues with executive functioning. I cannot handle multitasking.

I LOVE my Son, and LOVE being a Mum, but I don't think I am very good at it and I believe this is due to my AS. It doesn't help that my Son has issues with executive functioning also.

So, not only am I trying to organise my own stuff, but trying to organise his stuff plus teach him/be a good role model at the same time - it is impossible!

When we go out places, a huge part of my brain belongs to my Son (where is he, what is he saying, what does he need, etc) and while trying to juggle bags, money, remember everything, deal with crowds, noise, distractions, my Son's distractions, and then if my fiance is with us, trying to talk with him, communicate efficiently with him, make sure to remember everything for him, etc.... I totally lose it!

This is on top of working full time, studying, and starting my own business, plus looking after the house, shopping, cooking, etc. My fiance helps as best he can, but he works full time also.

I then need a lot of time to myself which doesn't make me feel like a good Mum in that I can't be with him as much as I like. I also am bad at fine motor skills so it makes it hard to play and make things with him. It is also hard to go to loud and noisy places with him.

It is also hard with sleeping.

I am quite a wreck most of the time.

BUT I wouldn't want to give up my Son or my fiance. I love them so much and love having them in my World. Now that I have an AS diagnosis I have to help them understand me better so we can all get along better
There are many positives to having AS and being a Mum too though - being a big kid. Knowing how to communicate in a better way - explain things more thoroughly, etc. More understanding and compassionate. Stronger in ways mentally. More forgiving when he doesn't understand something. And more! (in a rush!)

This is a great question! It's one of the reasons I've been lurking here on Wrong Planet. I may make multiple separate posts if interrupted by the children...

Am early 40's with three young kids and work fulltime. I am not diagnosed but think I may have Asperger's or at least some traits (AQ 36-38 ). I am in a scientific/medical academic professional job. I love the work. Since having children, however, I believe my performance has been less good. Most of that is because I have less time; I now realise I used to work many more hours than contracted but didn't fully realise because I worked at my own pace (which is naturally slightly slower than some but not all of my peers) and really enjoyed what I did. Now I can't work in the evenings (much) or at weekends and I am struggling to get through the work. Concentrating and original thought are also harder at the moment.

Also, I love my kids dearly but I sometimes find them difficult to be with when they are very active and noisy. Children are unpredictable! I have to really concentrate not to get "shouty" at times. I am not good at playing, certainly not at make-believe, though I enjoy telling factual stories. My husand is better at playing and I'm better at organising clothes, shopping etc. I struggle to help the kids if they have tantrums for no reason (one is a toddler); their upset is not logical and hard for me to soothe. It's much easier to help if they've hurt themselves e.g. fallen over: I'm good with plasters!

My overall executive function is problematic. I used to organise myself on my own pretty well, given my own time, peace and space to do it. With a husband and three young kids, getting organised is a real struggle! We have a cleaner and I am trying to develop and follow routines e.g. FlyLady.

But any more help or info or advice would be great, hence this post.

Helles, what tools do you mean? Can you reference them, please? I've got a few books now on Asperger's (e.g. Aspergirls, Asperger's on the Job, Tony Attwood's) but haven't found much to help with the overall executive function and with kids? Thanks!

I wasn´t wery informative, was I
Well I ment tools to cope with my own issues but when thinking about it I also realize that I mean tools to cope with the childrens issues.

Me
Meltdowns/overwhelmed, I am slowly learning what they are and that I have them. Normally I am not easily triggered but I have learned that a day at work and then coming home to the kids, radio blaring, kids running around and yelling and two of them talking to me at the same time while I have to cook dinner - that is to much. I used to get these inexplicable angry outbursts (form of meltdown/overwhelmed). As it is not possible to have a quiet time for my self I have to do other things. Turn off music, try to make the children watch TV (probably not pc but better for os all), or sometimes we just (too rarely) grab some bread and cold cuts (according to wikipedia this is the word for luncheon meats, sandwich meats, cheese etc. never heard it before), getting out in the forest. Then they just run around doing stuff without bothering me. When things get too much I can also tell them that I need a short break or that they have to ask later. This will unfortunately be said in a not too calm voice, I have to work on that, but at least I am no longer yelling at them.

I don´t know how to play make-believe games, I am not a very playful person (some aspies are very playfull, I am just serious). I just can´t. I do other things, factual things. Read books, draw, go to the playground, go to the forest and look under logs for critters, give them long and detailed information about everything they ask about etc. I know that they would have loved to play these make-believe games but I give them other things . I try to have their friends over so they have somebody to play all these sillly games with I am very good at their computer games (well, to a certain level) and will spend ages helping them with finding information about reaching next level in pokemon games etc.

My children are very well informed and knowledgeable children and I try to explain the importance of being nice to other people and that we all have to be able to be around each other (not well explained, I mean that I don´t like them to behave in public so that the other people also are able to enjoy their meal, do their shopping or whatever). I spend ages explaining things, searching for information and pictures ("mom how big is the biggest man in the world" - then we google pictures of the tallest and the smallest persons etc.). Finding and giving information is what I am good at and children like that, if it is at their level. With small boys it usally works to find gross or weird facts. This means that they are normally considered very amiable children by other people and that they are always welcome in other peoples homes (well, it gets them out of my home and give me a break ).

I have some relatively mild sensory issues and I will have to stop them from making repetetive sounds and keep the volume down when playing games etc. I used to sort of ignore it, and then it would suddently be to much and I would explode. Now I know my issues much better and I will just tell them to turn the sound down (because it annoys mom) before things get unbearable.

I would love to so more things in the kitchen with them (baking, cooking etc.) but I find it difficult to manage without stressing. I will like to work on this. I might work if I sort of have lined everything up beforehand in a clean kitchen?

I have to be better at managing my downtime. It is extremely difficult to get any since my ex. left me. As the small ones grow a bit older we might take time in the garden instead of me sitting in front of the computer. I don´t like spending to much time here, but I do need some time away just to cope.

Them
I am just beginning to realize (these past few months) that the two eldest boys have several traits from the spectrum. They are high functioning, maybe they are not even on the spectrum, but near (evaluation high functioning kids in this country is not easy as far as I know).

One is having regular meltdowns (we thought it was just angry outbursts), I am working with this issue at the moment, slowly but steady. He also has some sensory issues that I have to look into. He seems to be very social but sometimes have trouble with understanding that the other kids not want to play the same as him. Sometimes a bit slow at learning or maybe just learning in his own tempo. Etc.

One has his special interests (I was the same, I thought it was normal) this is fine and I encourage him to study. He is a bit childish for his age, this is not a problem for me but might represent a problem in school. He has a habit (stim?) biting nails and fingers. I have tried to stop this several times but I now realize that I can not stop hin but I might be able to redirect this habit. It seems to work wery well to give him a hand exerciser to play with. He is very intelligent and that is not accomodated for in the school, I have to do something about this. Etc.

I am still in the process of finding out about AS, which traits I have, which traits the children have and how to deal with it.

There is some drawbacks of having AS when raising children but there are also some strengths. I find that I am much more accepting of their special traits - they are the way they are, and I never even thought about questioning them/their traits. I am so much better at helping them, because I know how it is, other people might just see it as bad behaviour etc.

Then there is the problem with their father, my recent ex. I do not think that he will accept that they are "different". He will not accept that I am different and sees it as an exuse! I so not dare to reveal the asperger label just yet, as it might affect my ability to see my children.
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Well, the process of realizing that there is something to work with and willingness to do it is the best thing you can do for your children

Also I am of the conviction that AS makes good/gentle persons, if they are not it is due to some very painful experiences in their life. After all AS is sort of the opposite of a psychopath

I had horrible experience during pregnancy and delivery

My mom started harassing me badly during pregnancy and during the 3rd trimester she forcibly asked me to attend my brothers wedding in a other state. I was heavily pregnant and during 8th month i had to travel for 24 hours in a train.

Delivery day i was compelled to have normal delivery by my inlaws and for 12 hours i was in excruciating pain and finally they allowed me to have a c-section the baby was 4.5kg and couldnt have come out normal delivery anyways....but my inlaws are not ready to listen any of that.

I am social failure and dont know how to teach my son anything...nothing
His grades are poor his social skills are poor and he is just lacking behind like me

I find it too difficult to attend parents meet in his school
none of his classmates parents are my friend
no one helps me with notes and other assignments
i feel quite depressed due to this

I dont know how i will handle things when he needs to go for higher studies
since there are no one to guide us with which stream to send him to.

He is having eating disorders and has tantrums about almost all the foods
most of the time he wastes the food

He breaks back entire tiffin without eating it.

He doesnt inform what was taken up in the class
no information about Homework given.

Doesnt share personal experiences with friends

But my life would be incomplete without my husband and son.

My child was taken away from me, but my social phobia has gotten markedly worse, as has my psychotic depression. I'm on medicine, but it doesn't help with the paranoia and social phobia... just with the voices and some of the depression. It's probably best I don't have my daughter with me during this time because I can't support her due to lack of employment and social problems to even find a job in the first place.