Psycho? No, Aspergers.but thank you for another unkind label

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Even if no one actually reads this long outpouring I'm so grateful for somewhere, anywhere to honestly talk about who I am and how difficult life has been for me...

I grew up with a seriously abusive mother, and a very analytical father, and a very strange family structure, criticized for different reasons by all my siblings, all related to what I now sincerely believe to the bottom of my soul is Aspergers. I've felt different and apart my whole life, and my mother abusing me didn't help of course. My Dad always thought that I had Aspergers or some form of Autism. He was very wise, and his kindness to me and care for me generated a lot of my mothers abuse and my siblings criticism.... I also have eight (!) first cousins on my mothers side who are AS, two of them are severe- very severe.

In the last year I have begun the journey through self-diagnosis and self reflection.. looking at the failure of my life and utilizing many resources, and have come back over 95% AS on all the diagnostics, and the more I read other stories, the more I see myself. The moment I truly began facing Aspergers though, I knew it was me. Usually within 5 minutes of meeting a new person, they hate me, unless I know someone they know who explains that I 'take getting used to' but no one seems to believe WHY I 'take getting used to'. It seems that everyone compares me to what they think is 'really' Aspergers and have decided that I am wrong, about myself (!). I've developed a reasonable, yet shallow public persona that gets me by, but its very much a surface persona that I work at to exhaustion at times...and under stress it collapses.

I hear the 'you're making it up' noise from my son's father, who is a very abusive alcoholic ex-marine, and has PTSD, psychosis and 'mild' schizophrenia...he calls it my "Aspergers excuse"..I'm just lazy, he has a friend who has a teenage son with severe Aspergers, and I'm not like that so I'm lying, etc etc etc.... Meanwhile I have supported us, and have been there ALWAYS for our now 7 year old son.

Even those I trusted who have actually pointed out characteristic 'idiosyncrasies" don't believe me. I have one friend in particular who has criticized me repeatedly for staring, being 'uncompassionate', my directness, saying the wrong thing, being 'weird', being a social oddity, my 'selfishness' i.e. my interest in what interests me, my inappropriate talking, my inappropriate comments, my obsessiveness..And she doesn't know everything of course, what my childhood was really like, how I've been ostracized over and over, bullied and picked on for being 'weird', or even what goes on in my head..So though its right in front of her, she can't wrap her mind around the fact that yes I believe 100% that I have Aspergers, and yes I've been trying to live normally all these years...I'm 38 by the way.

I've finally trained myself to smile and look people in the eye as much as I can stand. I didn't even realize until a couple of years ago that I almost never looked anyone in the eye and never smiled. I have moved from place to place and job to job, working in IT and web development, and feeling really lost since my Dad died right after my son was born, as he was the only person who actually truly loved me, accepted me and understood me.

I feel like throwing myself off a building most of the time.. because no one likes me, that is my abusers most valuable weapon, as other people often actually end up siding with him and talking about me behind my back, usually after days on end of his cruelty and rage, and then finally I have an emotional breakdown trying to get him to stop badgering me for things I can't help, which I am then judged for.. The irony is how kind he is to his friends son and other people he views as vulnerable..but he just rages at me.. I'm so tired of people in general, and I wish I could become a recluse, but my son, who appears not only normal, but well above average.... well he needs me, and he is a really amazing boy.

I spend most of my time in tears lately, feeling so alone. Its not self-pity, its pain and anguish over being so misunderstood, and also being abused and bullied for it...and it's getting worse as I get older. And I'm concerned I am not going to be able to provide for my son in the way I really want to. Some days I can barely stand the sound of people chewing, or lights, or even air movement in a room, I have such serious sensory overload issues. I have severe anxiety as well, and can get so worked up that I get almost hysterical. I've learned to control my rage though, thank God but at times I end up with stomach problems from holding my fury in.

I have been trying to get an AA for years now, but my math disability holds me back. I've earned about 90 credits but keep failing the math, which just makes me feel worse about myself.
I have a severe learning disability with math.. in fact I often end up in a fury at myself crying in frustration trying to get my mind to 'work right', because I am so gifted in other ways. I had a high school diploma at 14. NOT a GED, a diploma that I earned through independent study, completing 4 years of school work in 4 months at home, complete with honors classes... and the most remedial math they could give me which I still struggled with.. My Dad approved it after I kept getting 'jumped' at school. Oddly though when it comes to numbers, I do have a very unusual facility for remembering phone numbers of all things.

My Dad tried to give me as many coping skills as he could, and I was trained by him to work in a professional environment, but that persona only works when everyone is impersonal and even then I piss people off because I excel immediately at every job I have ever had, and usually make others look bad (unintentionally of course) in the process..then I get run off because no one personally likes me and they begin to bad mouth me and pick me apart and I always had no idea why....I wish I never had to talk again or deal with anyone but my son again..

Oh, and apparently I'm 'cute' and have an odd attraction for most men, old, young, married, single, doesn't matter.. men just think sex sex sex when they look at me, which I used to buy into occasionally when I was younger, because it seemed to make me more socially accepted...though often I'm labeled 'b*&^h' because generally I have have an absolute lack of interest in, well, anyone... Because I have been able to function in jobs,and very limited socially (provided I have a friend to cleave to in social situations and they are large occasions where I go mostly unnoticed - on my own its almost impossible- I've never actually 'dated' either), and because I'm 'attractive' everyone thinks I'm 'normal' and just being ' dramatic' or that I'm 'psycho'. I know one thing: I am very tired of being ridiculed and judged.

Ennui, I think a lot of older aspies can relate at least somewhat to your story--at least I can. When I was growing up, nobody had ever heard of AS. I'm very aspie but was born with a gift few people have. Because I couldn't be what my family expected me to be, I too was abused, and as a result have been on my own since I was sixteen. I just couldn't put up with it any more.

Since I thought I was uniquely weird and defective--born bad so to speak--I hated myself for a lot of years. The first forty years of my life was mostly hell. What I had to do was to structure my life based upon who I am rather than what others expect me to be. As soon as I began succeeding at this, things began to turn around for me.

I'm fifty now and my life began coming together about ten years ago. I managed to cobble together a life before I'd ever heard of AS. Now I'm happy, and what I've found out about AS is icing on the cake, so to speak.

The reason I'm bringing this up is to encourage other aspies to do likewise. In my opinion, we need to structure our lives according to our strengths and limitations, which means letting go of toxic people and putting the past to rest and instead looking toward a future we've structured for ourselves.

Me three (age 46).

I wasn't abused as a kid, but I was neglected. I'm not sure why, but my mom was a real loner. She was sweet, but all she wanted to do was read and listen to opera. We were ridiculously poor. I only met my father once, in family court when she was suing for child support when I was 9.

I was diagnosed with ADD in 2nd grade. I had my IQ tested at age 6 and was put in a special school for gifted kids. I have a math learning disability but can remember nearly every phone number I've heard my entire life. I had few friends at school because I smelled bad because of not bathing (sensory problems with water and toothpaste), and I didn't like playing regular things with other kids--I always wanted to play ancient Egypt or Medieval times or opera stories. Also, kid voices shrieking with glee were too loud for me.

My sensory problems mitigated with age and now it's just chaotic noisy places like a room full of screaming kids or be-bop jazz that sets me off. And I bathe and brush my teeth nearly every day.

Thank you for sharing it means so much to me to have anyone just - understand- which is hard even in this forum since all of our stories are the same, yet different....and maybe even in this community I will have an issue with others which means I still haven't found the place for me and maybe never will.

So Noxnocturne, have at it because obviously you have something you want to share or you wouldn't have drawn attention to yourself with a comment about not commenting. If your comment was meant to be supportive, I appreciate it and completely misunderstood you which is not unusual for me of course... If your comment was negative, which it seems like, there won't be anything you can say that I haven't heard over and over. Either way I don't need MORE QUESTIONS in my life!

Thank you for sharing.... My parents made me wear deodorant from the age of about 6 because I refused to bathe, and my mother even tried to force me to at one point. I couldn't stand water on my body and anywhere near my face in particular and I couldn't stand brushing my teeth. I'm still a little water hesitant as I call it. I also couldn't stand the sound of people eating or drinking.... and to this day I cringe if I hear someone gulp or hear food moving around in their mouths, and will lose my appetite right in the middle of eating. And I still have times now when simple hygiene is uncomfortable for me, but I push through it unless I'm really depressed. I actually have a whole list of things that drive me to distraction (of course). I was also in the gifted programs, and I'm really glad to hear the phone number thing isn't just me. I still remember the very first phone number I learned. I am reading so many similarities to myself in this forum that its overwhelming. With everything I read, I think 'me too!' - for the first time in my life.

I relate to a lot of this too. However, I was diagnosed. People would just refuse to admit that my issues were due to AS. I have a relationship w/ my grandmother similar to the one you had w/ your father. If it wasn't for her, I may have killed myself in my dark teen years. I have heard it all, psycho, lazy, crazy, delinquent, possesed, belligerent.

Ennui,

I'm 46 and a woman -- I can relate to your experiences. I didn't realize I was an Aspie until my son's first grade teacher recommended we take him for analysis. After learning that all of the things about him that added up to an Asperger's diagnosis were things we shared in common, I had an epiphany. I had thought these were each just random traits that added up to my own quirky personality.

I, too, have difficulty with math, despite a sky high IQ. I, too, had profound water issues when I was little. I can remember splashing with a hand in the tub water at age 5 to make my mother think I was bathing. Well, the list goes on, right down to so many others not getting me at all. I'm far from a typical woman, at least a neuro-typical one .

Two things that I hope will help you to feel better, in addition to others here completely relating to your experience:

1) Please accept yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not broken; you don't need to be fixed. Loving and trusting yourself is a first big step to enjoying your life. Make a few close friends through common activities. Embrace your interests whole heartedly. And love that special little boy. Put distance between yourself and toxic others.

2) Read the wonderful book _Aspergers and Girls_ by Tony Atwood-- it's empowering because it will again give you that experience of self-recognition and some help for the rest, too

Wishing you all good things.

Thank you for mentioning trouble with brushing teeth. The toothpaste used to burn my mouth as a little kid, and the feeling of the bristles is just awful. I eventually learned to tolerate this supposedly mundane activity. My difficulties with brushing my teeth was one of the first of many many instances where I was accused of being dramatic or difficult or something.

I also have trouble with math but hav an odd fascination with numbers. Its like a foreign language that I really wish I could master.

One thing I don't understand is why lack of certain social abilities gives cause for abuse and mistreatment. As if its the greatest sins involve social pleasantries but blatantly lashing out for social failures is perfectly ok.

And professionals inability to see autism....?... I don't get that. The more I learn about aspergers and high functioning autism, the more obvious it is that I'm on the spectrum. As are much of my family without even knowing it.

^ I am just now figuring out how to verbalize and recognizing the cause of aversions I have had for years. I always knew that it was the mint in toothpaste that bothered me, but I was only able to realize in the last few years that the leftover decaying sweet taste bothered me (this happens w/ all sweets and starches and getting rid of that sensation is a big cause of my over-eating) also it drys out my mouth, and I only realized this week how bad the mint burns my eyes. I can't use non-mint toothpastes, because they have even more sweetness.

Maybe try plain baking soda. You can mix your own with baking soda, essential oil, coconut oil and soda if you want flavor. Natural oil makes a difference to me since it is real, not chemicals that I am probably sensitive to. I think toothpaste is chock full of aspartame or some fake sugar junk that has the side effects of a neurostimulator.

Dear Ennui74
I'm so sorry, and so shocked to hear about your problems and what you have been put through. I also identify with a lot of what you said. I was also abused very badly by my mother, but had a kind hearted father. I've always felt different but I assumed that was because I was just wonderful, not because I might have aspergers.

The toothpaste issue is one I've had for a long time, something I felt embarassed about, and would lie or change the subject in order to cover up my problem. Toothpaste with Sodium lauryl sulphate would bring up painful ulcers in my mouth, and the taste of mint wasn't just tingly, it was burning cold. I've recently been using Squigle and recently ordered Oranurse, high fluoride, low flavor. I have a thing about my mouth, biting my fingers, chewing my tongue, nibbling sugary snacks, hating the taste of water, sucking my thumb until 14, and now messed my teeth up quite badly. Have you tried some of the children's toothpastes and fruity mouthwashes (bubblegum taste was one I could stand) Alternatively, if you can't bear any toothpaste at all, then warm water on a brush will do, being better than nothing. Don't tell your dentist I said that.

I hate bright lights too, I need permanent sunglasses in summer.

I also get a hell of a lot of "you're making it up" noise from my son's father. He keeps telling me I have bipolar or borderline personality disorder instead. He's pretty annoyed that I split up with him, and can't work out why anyone in their right mind would leave him. (lol)

I can be weird, but I'm also very intelligent, and learned how to cover things up. At school, I was laughed at for walking funny, bullied, but I got very good grades and marks. Top of the year for one subject after another. I'm a bit of a geek, and used to sneak out of my lessons to play in the computer labs, and worked in web design for a while before becoming a full time carer for my ASD son.

I can get quite angry, but don't know if this is because I'm just a crap person, or because of what my mum did to me. If anyone is a psycho, it is she, a person who spent their entire life purposefully causing cruelty to children animals and being otherwise a complete waste of oxygen. I still loved her though, and her death was a tragedy, it was the end of hope for any change in her behaviour.

I'm crap at people, and brilliant at systemising. I'm a complete geek. I'm terrible at communicating, even though I can easily rattle off fiction stories and want to be a writer/author. I do apologise if this reply is too much about me and not about you, I'm afraid I don't really know you yet, and I just wanted to tell you that I sympathise about your difficulties with your mum and child's father. Your son has an amazing mother, because she appreciates him and is trying to be the best for him.