Is It a Good Idea for Autistics to Be Parents?

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Feel free! I got sick of people saying, "Yet!" when I said I have no childfren. I found that saying "Oh, no, my biological clock is set to dog," with a smile got a smile or laugh in return. If I said, "Well, I don't plan on having any," people said, "You'll change your mind when you're older!" (I'm 36...it's not likely getting older will make me think having a kid is a great idea.) But the dog thing defuses the situation.

I'm an Aspie mom to an Aspie teen and I don't think either of us would have it any other way. He and I are "from the same planet" and have a better relationship than most moms and teens, IMHO. I had some problems early on, but I can see through the retrospect-o-scope how they could have been avoided. If and when you do decide it's baby time, I strongly suggest tracking down some other Aspie/Autie parents for support.

My son was diagnosed long before I was. I was misdiagnosed for a long time as bipolar and borderline. Without going into details, my misdiagnosis and mis-medication made things really difficult. You, on the other hand, know that you're Aspie going in, and I think that'll be a huge advantage. If I had known from the start that what I had was Asperger's, and had I been given the support I have now, things would have gone a whole lot more smoothly. Also, if I had it to do over, I would have waited until I was much older to have a baby (I was 19, hubby was 22), but c'est la vie.

Oh, and here's a bonus: Aspie babies sleep through the night really early

While your experience with getting your kid to sleep has been a favorable one, i'd have to say, Nope! I was the up-all-night kid. Every parents worst sleep nightmare. Not everyone's experiences with the syndrome are a one-size-fits-all. I have always been an extreme night owl and still am years later, even if I am just up and around-- and not crying to wake people up like i did as a tot, even if I am no longer running through the living room at 4am wide awake like I did as a preschooler, even if I am no longer getting spanked at night for keeping people awake at night as I did as a kid and preteen.

Your husband is not very supportive to you. What on earth makes him think that you will not be a good mother because of your autism?

Of course it might be a little tougher for someone with autism to have children, simply because processing speed is slower and it will take loads of energy if we have to care and be open all the time. It already will take loads for energy from a neurotypical parent, let alone for someone with autism. You will just get really tired by the end of the day. I do not have children yet but I work at a nursing home where I take care of 14 people with severe Alzheimer's disease. They basically cannot take care of themselves anymore and so they are fully dependent on my care. When I come home I'm extremely exhausted and lock myself up in my room and don't want to see anyone for a full hour because it's getting simply too much for me.

But hey! We are talking here about parents in the plural form. Your husband just needs to understand that you need some time for yourself every now and then, just to lock yourself up somewhere and process everything. And he also needs to give you that opportunity. These aren't only your children, also his and so you both need to be equally responsible. You simply need your moments of rest! Period!

And speaking of meltdowns. I do not believe that meltdowns spontaneously occur. They need to be triggered by something and that means they can also be prevented. In fact, they only occur in situations where you completely lose power in a situation. From what you are writing here your husband sounds pretty stubborn. You want children but he simply doesn't allow you. What the f**k?! I think he makes you pretty upset. Does he often make you feel this powerless? Please think about this for a moment.. Maybe you seriously married the wrong man.

Aspies can definitely make brilliant parents! I have some friends who have a parent (I think in all cases it's the father) with Asperger's, plus I have a couple of female Aspie friends who have children, and I don't think that having AS should automatically mean you won't make a good parent. It's the same for NT parents - there are some horrendous NT people out there who SHOULD NOT have children.

As others have said before, I honestly think that knowing prior to becoming parents that you're Aspie is a huge advantage. My father has never been diagnosed with AS but if I'm Aspie (and I am - got formally diagnosed in November!), he *definitely* is, and because of that he was so wrapped up in doing his things that he never had a big role in my life. He very very rarely came to anything like dancing shows and school concerts and so on because he was too busy doing *his* thing (God forbid he should actually consider his only child for once...) and since it was first suggested to me that I might be Aspie I've done a lot of research, which led to me pushing for an assessment and diagnosis. I can see so many of my Aspie traits in him; it makes me wonder that if he'd ever been assessed/diagnosed, would he have been encouraged to get more involved? Would he have been encouraged to consider my feelings and so on?

My long-term boyfriend and I are intending to get married (we're not officially engaged yet but everyone we know, including my parents and ourselves, consider us engaged) and would like to have children one day. I've actually been getting quite broody in the last few months (it's not showing any signs of going away so far...) Because I know I have Asperger's and my boyfriend and I are aware of the potential issues surrounding it, we'll be going into it informed, aware and on top of things. I know what my difficulties are, so we're working to overcome them.

Sorry if I'm rambling - it's late (gone 11pm in England) and I took my night meds (for fibromyalgia) over an hour ago so I may not be making much sense! What I'm trying to say is that having AS doesn't automatically mean you'll make a bad parent and that already having that diagnosis is a huge advantage because you can research potential problems and work out strategies and so on.

I was 18 years old before I slept through the night.

My parents had a hard time putting me to bed and putting me down for a nap. My mother had to go tough love with me. Hold me down in her arms and let me scream and scream until I tired myself out I would fall asleep. I wonder what you do to your child before they can even remember stays in their brain instinctively because they grow up and do the same to their own children? I am doing the same thing to my son holding him in my arms and letting him scream until he tires himself out so he will fall asleep. Mom told me she did that to me. So it made me wonder. I have had sleeping problems off and on my whole life and I read it's common in ASDs. I knew a kid with AS and he couldn't sleep through the night. He would sleep and wake up at night.

...it depends. I'd take your S/O's concerns seriously. They're probably legitimate.

...for instance, my wife tends towards either shutdown or raging meltdowns when overwhelmed and needs a lot (>4 hours daily) of downtime. As a result, the local preschool and I do the vast majority of childcare. Rushing home at noon occasionally is not a career-booster. Playing with our child at the local preschool has been less difficult for her.

...she also has a lot of trouble multitasking - and small children tend to require multitasking. We've explained that mommy is different, but it hasn't entirely sunk in yet. (Imagine cooking with one small child begging for water, another climbing on your head, and a third crying in a corner - it can be overwhelming.)

...if you have children, I recommend begging or hiring help while they are young and relying on preschool a bit earlier than normal. You'll need backup - as meltdowns can be problematic when caring for an infant alone.

It would be really good to have a plan that accommodates your current behavior instead of hoping for a miraculous change - as the hormones wear off much more rapidly than children reach maturity. That said, having children is probably perfectly doable - as long as you both can come to an agreed-upon plan that looks workable going in.

(Y'know, like, 'mom' will stay with us for the first 6-12 months to help with baby. Then, there'll be a rough stretch with frequent baby-sitting until 18 months, when the child goes to preschool. I will relax from hours x-y and husband will be solely responsible for watching children.) Oh, and I'd recommend spacing out any children that you do have. That said, if your husband foresees him being responsible for single-parenting children, it isn't fair to require that of him.

--Argyle

My bf is Aspie... We got pregnant by accident... He also had not only a missing dad but the worst childhood EVER! He is the most amazing father in the world. He really focuses in on her and is patient and loving. When she was first born he had some difficulty because he thought I instinctively knew what she needed and that there were clues he couldn't read. Once I explained that when someone is in your arms all day you figure it out he started jumping in and he caught on quickly. The only real difficulty he has had is when something goes wrong... She gets hurt, throws up etc. He sort of freaks out and I take over ... BUT... When he is alone with her and something happens he is in complete control. He freaks out a little after it is all over but he does just fine. You think you can't stop yourself from meltdowns but then you don't have to. When you have someone needing you then you have a reason to push your needs down for a while and take care of their needs. Only you can really answer weather or not you should have kids... But being Aspie on its own is not a reason not to.

Hey there all,

Thanks for posting about this. I was wondering myself whether or not I could ever be a good mom, especially as I have executive functioning issues along with Asperger's (is this common?). Someone told me that I would have too many issues with taking care of myself, especially as I do not have a boyfriend. And cannot keep a clean house for the life of me.

I have 4 kids.

I have meltdowns, shutdowns, and general all-around-downs.

I tell them the truth: "Mommy is losing her f*****g temper right now. Mommy loves you very much. Stay the hell away from Mommy." Fifteen minutes later, it's over and life goes on.

They understand that, for the most part, those meltdowns don't have anything to do with them-- and also that, sometimes, they DO have something to do with them, and that those are behaviors they want to get over in a hurry. No, darling, screaming in Mommy's ear repeatedly is NOT a good idea. Mommy will very firmly deposit you on your bed and go smoke. Yes, darling, Mommy will yell at you if you ignore a request made in a resonable voice five times in a row. Yes, Mommy will get shrill and use profanity.

And yes, darling, Mommy will always love you. We will always sit in the rocker and make up. Mommy will always admit when she was wrong.

My dad did this too. It worked out OK. Kids don't have to live in perfect little worlds (however much we may want them to when we love them oh-so-much). It is actually not good for kids to live in perfect little worlds. They become adults who can't deal with a profoundly not perfect world.

Too much idealism is dangerous.

Just-- do yourself a favor. Desperately wanting another baby after a miscarriage is pretty normal. Grief, or something. Trying to fill a void. i know I had a sceaming case of the empty arms after we lost Alex.

Borrow someone else's kid for a weekend. Talk to a counsellor about the miscarriage grief. DON'T have a baby to "fill the hole" or "make you feel complete."

You sound, in fact, like you'd make a great mom. A trifle idealistic, but everyone goes into motherhood that way. It's curable. It's just-- kids are too much trouble to have for any reason like grief or self-completion or any reason at all other than actually wanting the full-time job of taking an adorable little lump of brand-new hominid and helping it learn how to be a fully functioning human being. The only reason to raise kids, is that you like messing with kids. Because, if you don't, it's an 18+ year sentence that you really can't get out of with your self-respect, your heart, and your soul intact.

Spend some time watching and reading and thinking about how you two are going to parent. PS-- A partner with no confidence in themselves as a parent sucks, regardless of neurotype. DH started out with no confidence in himself-- it wasn't until the third kid that he really started to engage with them. That was hard, and he still to this day drives me crazy with his tendency to be competitive and to think that we should parent the way his insanely competitive white-collar suburban colleagues parent.

One other piece of really, really serious advice.

I do not think Asperger's necessarily rules out being a mother. I'm not even sure it categorically negatively impacts your ability to be a mother.

What it does negatively impact, as you have already learned, is others' perceptions of your ability to be a mother.

Parenting is fraught with this anyway: well-meaning relatives, spouses, friends, teachers, specialists, magazines, books, news segments, TV commercials, pundits, and complete and total strangers at the park/grocery store/pediatrician's office/where-ever you happen to have to be that are going to tell you you are doing it all wrong.

That's for the average, ideal, just lovely perfect NT mommy.

Throw AS into the mix, and you are going to get it more often. You will be isolated from a lot of other moms, because you do it differently and see it differently and don't play mommy social games (and yes, I'm perfectly certain there are mommy social games).

I don't know what part of MO you are in, but in NWAR something I ran into every little here and there were professionals who thought AS precluded parenthood. In AR and WV, I had people actually start proceedings to take my kids away from me, not because there was any evidence of abuse or neglect, but simply because I disclosed my diagnosis. I could very well have lost them if my husband didn't have enough faith in me to take these people on and show them that we would put up a fight and that we would win it and drag them through the mud in the process.

I had people use Mommy Guilt-- "Oh, think of your children!" to force medications and treatments I knew were wrong down my throat. I let it happen. My family paid for that with a year of being practically motherless...

...and it wasn't because I was pursing some special interest or having a meltdown or anything else. It was something the people who were supposed to be helping me look out for us forced on us, because I didn't have enough confidence to call BS on them.

If you are going to do this, you need SOMEONE who is going to stand behind you-- and it doesn't sound like your partner is equipped to do that. More than that, you need SOLID STAINLESS STEEL confidence in yourself. You don't need to think you're perfect-- please don't think you are perfect, because you are absolutely going to f**k up, because absolutely everyone f***s up raising kids somewhere. But you do need to trust your own ability, your own strength, your own judgment, first and foremost and all the way through.

If there's one reason in the world that I shouldn't have had kids, Asperger's isn't it. The lack of that confidence is.

Hello

I am 21 years old and have a 10 month old daughter. I have PDD and my boyfriend has AS. I had always wanted kids even when I was a kids myself. Just because someone has autism or AS doesn't mean they would not be a good parent. There are normal people that are bad parents.

AMEN.

I'm an Aspie mom raising an Aspie kid, and we understand each other perfectly. I honestly think I'm a better mother to him than any NT mom could be, because I have almost 30 years of experience in "translating" NT norms - I know how he feels in any given situation, but I also know how to behave according to societal norms around doctors and teachers and other mommies. I can explain the NT world in a way that makes sense to him, and I can explain his behaviors to NT people in a way they understand.

As someone else pointed out, having kids is effing hard if you're on the spectrum. I've been able to dramatically reduce my own meltdowns and have been forced to find ways to keep severe anxiety at bay since having a child, because you simply can't be a responsible parent if you aren't able to control yourself. I needed tons of help from a friend with parenting experience to get through the newborn phase, because the sensation of breastfeeding and the sound of a crying infant both caused severe sensory responses, but I made it through.

Hell, I still have "meltdowns" occasionally, but I've learned to tell my child to give me a minute, and then I go into another room until I'm calm if we're at home, or we go take a "quiet time" break in the car or a bathroom if we're in public. We work our schedule so that we play at the park or go out to eat during non-peak hours to avoid sensory overload - it keeps us both much more sane.

The fact that you're asking is a positive sign. We can be great parents, we just have to adapt to the stresses of motherhood. You might need help figuring it out - don't be afraid to ask more experienced moms for help. You don't even need to tell them you're autistic.

I would never have kids, even if autism was the only issue I had. It's my personal choice to not put this on another soul. Life is hard enough.

Even if my only problem was having Asperger's, I will never have kids for several personal reasons. On the one hand I think parents with Asperger's may relate to their children better because of their own childlike traits, but on the other hand if you decide you want a kid be prepared to have all your senses overloaded by many of the most foul smells, sights, and sounds imaginable. Dirty diapers, screeching, projectile vomit. Don't even get me started on that last one! Honestly, at least when I pick up one of my cats I don't usually have to worry that something nasty is going to shoot out of them and right in my face! And they were already house-trained when I first brought them home. I read somewhere that women are supposed to get more easily grossed out than men because we instinctively feel the need to protect our children as well as ourselves from diseases we might get from disgusting things. So why is it that when my dad changed diapers when my brother and I were infants he had to do it in the bathroom because he'd be barfing?