Girls and empathy

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Obviously I have a certain degree of empathy. I can feel emotional about other people's problems and accomplishments and I certainly feel emotional when I watch movies, listen to music, read books, etc. However, I'm not very good at expressing emotion. It's very rare for me to cry at a movie, no matter how strongly I feel about it; it's very hard for me to show affection even if I feel it; it's very hard for me to comfort others because I don't know how to show sympathy and affection without sounding like a total jerk. It's just very unnatural to me.

Even when people die, it takes a while for me to cry about it. It doesn't seem to matter how extreme the situation is, it's hard for me to show an appropriate emotional response. It's not like I'm trying not to show negative emotions - I just find it hard to express them, I guess. In fact, when I get sad or depressed, I tend to be more irritable than tearful. Not sure why.

I don't know how much of this has to do with aspergers and how much of this has to do with how I was brought up. I'm guessing more of the former as my sister never seemed to have a problem with expressing her emotions, same with my grandmother and my aunts and uncles.

I have normal empathy.

I have read in loads of different places (and have seen it for myself too) that females in general tend to have more empathy than males in general, and so I'd thought Aspie females would have that bit more empathetic ability than Aspie males.

I am not generalizing nor bigoting anyone, but I have honestly heard various conversations between women about their husbands/sons/dads (etc) saying how selfish they can be. And yes, I have heard men commenting on how their wives/daughters/mums can be bossy and nagging, which is true.

But I always thought males had quirks with empathy. I suppose not many Aspies would know that because some of you miss body language and all of that stuff, but I am a good human observer and I can honestly tell you (and prove) that empathy is more visible in females than it is in males. Not saying males lack empathy completely, just saying females tend to show and feel it more. How many of you have seen women cry more than men?

All or nothing seems to apply to me, too. As far as humans go I don't have a lot of empathy. I find it hard to put myself in anyone else's shoes, and I'm fairly judgmental. I'm a health care worker and that's actually helped me be calm and think rationally in crises instead of getting blinded by emotion.

My empathy seems to be reserved for animals, for some reason. The second something bad happens to a dog or a cat in the news or in a movie? Oh god, nope. I cry, rock, I shut it off, but it haunts me for days and days.

I do have people I care about, and I listen to their problems without getting emotional. Sometimes they say that's the best thing anyone can do. Especially if they have a medical problem, I work on helping them solve it.

See, this is one thing that I don't get about all this empathy business. Most NTs find it difficult to put themselves into the shoes of someone who is different from them or haven't had the same experiences as them (for example, Aspies), and the majority of NTs are very judgmental too. It's obvious because it gets discussed so many times on this forum.

And then in another thread, Aspies accuse themselves of lacking empathy. I still don't get the difference between the ''empathy'' an Aspie lacks and the ''empathy'' an NT lacks.

Very good point. Maybe NTs are just better at faking empathy when it's appropriate?

My empathy is weird. I don't cry at sad films or things like that because it doesn't seem real enough for me. I also don't always pick up on cues that give me a clue as to what's going on in a person's head. I can sometimes forget about how someone else feels unless they tell me. Actually knowing that someone else is suffering breaks my heart and moves me to tears, though.

I try to be understanding and non-judgemental, which some NTs don't even try to do - so I think I have one up on those NTs on that aspect of empathy. It doesn't come naturally but because I try so hard, I don't think I'm worse than average. People actually tell me they can say things to me they wouldn't say to other people because I try to understand them.

I've never been very empathetic. I don't usually react the same way most people do. For example:
An old friend once confided in me that she loved her boyfriend so much that she tried to trick him into getting her pregnant so he would marry her. At that point I looked at her and told her that tricking her boyfriend was a really bad idea and that if her idea of loving him was to try and force him to stay with her, then she seriously needed to see a counselor (not those exact words, but pretty close). After that she got mad and asked "Why can't you see things my way?! I was hoping you could give me a little sympathy and support!"
It's like people expect me to be sensitive automatically know how someone else feels since I'm a girl, and when I don't I get called mean and cold .
The way I see it, I may not be able to place myself in other peoples situation, but that's ok. I'm not them and I'll never be able to feel the exact same things that they do.

That has nothing to do with having empathy. I don´t think it´s strange at all that you are telling her this. Obviously you care for the child and you´ve thought about the consequences. Great reaction IMO!
I hate women that do these kinds of things. Just completely egotistical.

I have empathy... for animals. Humans, not so much. Of course, I love my family and friends but sometimes I just can't summon any empathy for them. I've been accused of being emotionless more than once, for sure. I just don't really care a lot of the time.

Thankfully her plan didn't work
By the way, I know it might not have been the best, but it was the least complicated (and confusing) example I could think of to post.

I think that I probably have less empathy than the average NT for *small* things, like when the people around me are having a bad day; also, I can 'turn it off' temporarily when I have to at work, like when a victim of a traumatic accident comes in and we have to work as a team to try to save their lives/bodies. I can become very mechanical, even though I'll have to emotionally process it later.

Strangely, though, the NT people around me sometimes seem *less* disturbed by large things, like institutional injustice; they can see someone writhing in pain and screaming incoherently from pancreatitis, and say, 'they brought it on themselves by drinking, so oh well.' It seems like they're better able to put out of their minds things that I think *should* be disturbing or *should* provoke more empathy.