Extreme insecurity problems in women. Looking for stories...

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I am a psychology student primarily interested in disorders and therapy. As far as I can remember I have had intense feelings of insecurity and a general feeling of being 'not good enough'. Also I very often feel 'unsafe' or 'unlovable'. I am trying to deal with this, but am struggling.

I have read several works about this kind of feeling and insecurity and the most elaborate ones are part of borderline personality disorder (BPD), in which I recognize myself very strongly, primarily the need for confirmation of others (I ask them all the time whether I'm not annoying them, or if they don't think I'm stupid, until it drives them completely nuts) or the intense fear of being abandoned. I've had this all my life. I'm afraid that people after a few months will think they do not like me anymore and leave me. I am incredibly clingy and do chase people away. But I do not have BPD. BPD stems from abuse or neglect in early childhood or a similar traumatic experience. All the cases I have spoken to so far are women who have had an abusive father, or parents who never had time for them. When I think back about my childhood I had very loving and caring parents, but at the same time I already had these feelings when I was a toddler.

Another disorder in which these kinds of feelings emerge is narcissistic personality disorder. I also recognize myself in this. The obsessive need for confirmation, being loved and being admired. Fantasies about power and beauty.. Yes I have them. However I do not manipulate people or see myself superior to others. In fact I always perceive myself inferior. Also this disorder stems from neglect in the early childhood. And as I just said.. I have never been neglected. I was always treated with lots of love.

There is no attention at all to the emotions of women with Asperger's in contemporary research. I have read the book 'Girls and Women with Asperger's Syndrome' by Tony Attwood, but I found very little recognition. A lot revolves around very analytical women who describe their stories by means of experiences (things they've done and accomplished, rather than things they feel and struggle with). Emotions in autism research are mostly a problem in research. There is too much emphasis on behavior: what do these children do? Rather than: how do these children feel at that moment? I think this stems from the 80% male majority in the prevalence of Asperger's and men hardly ever talk about their emotions. Women however, do have this need.. including women with Asperger's.

So what I would like to ask all of you is could you please see if you have had these insecurities I described above in your past life? How did you experience them, deal with them? Are you currently experiencing them? I would love to read them and see if any of it sounds familiar.

I am struggling very hard with myself... because there are no books written about self esteem issues in women with Asperger's (I spent ages on google). Please help me out.. Maybe we can help each other

^^^
What you have been told is incorrect. There is a genetic basis as well as an environmental one for both BPD and NPD.

In essence, you can have either without having had an abusive childhood.
I know one girl who had a good childhood but was genetically predisposed to BPD - after she got involved in drugs, that was enough to trigger the BPD.
Some people really do have it from the time they are born, just because of genetics - I know a few people with NPD and BPD like this.

You may want to rethink things on that basis.
Especially if you don't identify overtly with AS - many AS women are misdiagnosed as BPD, but sometimes BPD women are misdiagnosed as AS too.

autism is much more than social insecurity but many people come to consider it through trying to come to terms with long term anxiety issues.

Do you have any of the other traits? unusually strongly focused interests, difficulty with sensory overload, unusual sensory reactions, difficulty with understanding the subtleties of social communication...

The presentation in women is generally more subtle than in men and their interests tend to focus more on social interaction, but there will be traits other than just social anxiety if you are on the spectrum.

You could try doing one of the AS tests like the AQ or the Aspie test (link to tests is on pinned on the main board for the forum) and see how you score - they give an indication of whether or not you might be on the spectrum so can be a useful starting point.

A book I have enjoyed and found very informative is Rudi Simone's Aspergirls.


(By the way NPD can also be triggered by being brought up by a loving family with expectations that are too high or too controlling - it is sometimes found in people who have been taught from an early age that they are exceptional or superior to others)

Since you came here looking for stories of women with Asperger's who are insecure, I would be happy to describe my experiences for you.

I am insecure about my special interests. I worry about how socially acceptable or unacceptable my interests are, how popular my special interests are, and how likely I am to be ridiculed because of my interests.

I've given up at least 3 or 4 special interests because I saw negative comments about them on the Internet and decided that it would be best to drop them before anyone could make fun of me for being into them.

More than anything else, I'm afraid of being bullied and don't want to be interested in anything that could cause me to become subjected to ridicule. Logically I know that there's always someone who will make fun of you no matter what you're into, so what I really wish is that I had enough self-confidence to keep enjoying the things I love even in the face of haters.

I grew up in a house with a sister whose breasts are far larger than mine. Every time we went somewhere I would watch her getting admiring, adoring looks and for me...? Nothing

This grew into a complex. I believed myself less worthy of a relationship and believed no man could ever love me 100% for what I was because I had small breasts. I fell deeply in love with the first man who had anything nice to say about them and still loved him even after he used and dumped me. I then had a one night stand with a man whom I lied to my mother about, claiming he was gay. I have never seen him since.

I met my current boyfriend in August 2012 and have been over very bumpy roads of insecurity, none of which were directly his fault except the fact he lied to me about porn (we since resolved that conflict). He has made it clear to me that he adored my breasts and prefers their handful size so I am slowly getting better. But I still have days where I feel so ugly and unwantable that it hurts, and I have the habit of calling big boobs "good boobs" and various forms of that statement ("some birth control pills make your boobs better, " "hers are about 2 sizes better than mine, " etc. ) I fear that if my boyfriend sees a topless woman in public he will lust after her and want her more than me. To sum it up I distrust men because I feel as if my boyfriend is lying to make me feel better when he says anything positive about my breasts. I kniw it's a horrible thing to think of him but sometimes I just can't shake the feeling.

I recall reading something on Tony's website about women. He said that some women with Aspergers are very sensitive, especially when it comes to negative feelings. They can often have a "sixth sense" about other's negative feelings, too, which can lead to a BPD diagnosis. I've always felt like I had that "sixth sense".

I thought I had BPD, but I was abused by my BPD mother. All of my problems fit Aspergers much more. However, someone could probably have both. If someone had Aspergers, they could develop BPD later on in life. It's important to remember almost everyone has traits of it, though. What makes it a disorder is when it causes problems with your level of functioning. People with BPD are often perceived as being dramatic and horrible people. Some are extremely extroverted, while others are very hermit like. However, all of these people have deep emotional pain and trouble regulating it. In a way, they are often just as clueless about communicating as people with Aspergers. Their emotions are pretty much a direct result of abandonment issues. A lot of their behaviors are pretty rational when you add in their emotions coupled with their fear. That fear doesn't have to be caused by trauma at all. Some people just happen to be predisposed to that level of suffering, unfortunately.

I think what happens is some women learn to express their emotions better. Gender roles may cause a woman with Aspergers to learn this skill way earlier than men. I'm willing to bet most people on the spectrum have a wide range of emotions, but not all can express it. I think it's more well known women present differently. Logically, this would mean not every woman on the spectrum is going to be robotic like. In fact, a lot of men are not, either. I've had some people on the spectrum tell me I couldn't be on it because I express things like sympathy and empathy (when someone is in emotional pain). I think some people who are more into purely logical thinking may have this view, but it's definitely not representative of most people.

Looking through a lot of the posts here, it's apparent a lot of people are highly emotional. I think for a long time people were ignoring feelings. They made an ASSUMPTION people on the spectrum aren't emotional. This could be because some of their subjects said things that hurt people by mistake, thus appearing narcissistic or unempathetic. I agree there should be more recognition of the emotional side of people on the spectrum.

I have a lot of insecurities. They range from how I look, act, and present in front of people to my intelligence, capability, and worth. It's important for you to know I was abused, though. This resulted in me feeling unlovable, an intense fear of abandonment, the need to have feelings validated, and a very empty sense of self. It helps to find people to talk about it with. How I deal with my problems is talking to someone about it. I first accepted I feel that way. From there, I deal with my emotions as they come. I don't judge them, I just accept them how they are. I don't try to change my insecurities anymore, which has resulted in them becoming a lot less intense. Sometimes, people say to focus on your negative side and turn it into a positive. For some, that's a horrible idea. It can make your insecurities worse, because you're just focusing on them. I'm not sure if I'm much help, because I'm not formally diagnosed with Aspergers. I just highly suspect it. But maybe you'd like to hear my POV anyways. I think maybe it would help you to do some "self" searching. There's nothing wrong with being introspective.

I really relate to this. I've been told that both because I am a woman and because I am highly emotional. I tend to say what's on my mind. Because of this, no one ever even suspected I was on the spectrum. They went straight for the personality disorders. Why? I think people think autism is either equal to sociopathy or mental retardation. So because I have a high IQ and I express empathy, I must just be this highly emotional woman who has a mood/personality disorder. *Sigh* I think people stigmatize a lot of things. There are also men with BPD who suffer in silence because it's a "woman's" disorder. And apparently, people with autism are robotic calculators, and it's a "man's" problem.

Well, I'm afraid of people, but that's because I was abused.

You might find The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N Aron helpful. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Personally, I don't like the whole personality disorder thing. I think it gets misused a lot and that it might be better to describe people differently, more as whole people, rather than typing them as one of a number of bad types. But then I don't have a PD, and people who qualify for PD disorders might feel differently.

Yes, and I know that those are just insecurities of mine, but I believe that I have my reasons to wonder why, or it's something wrong with me. Apparently, it's just I'm Asperger and just different to the rest of people.
In short:
1. I've been severely abused my whole existence by lot of people. Emotionally and physically, beaten up, making you feel bad, everything you can think of relating to abuse. I can't say sexually too, but I've been touched inappropriately, and someone forced me to watch pornography when I was very small. Sometimes, when I think of sexual matters, I get scared. I get back to my younger self and think:" I'm too young to watch this", and repeating myself a lot.
2. No one has ever loved me, nor cared about me. I don't know what is like to be loved, or someone caring about me.
3. All people I've seemed to care a bit, have left me.
4. Yes, if I ever had a romantic relationship, I'd be scared of being left, because every time something good seemed to be about to happen to me, it vanished before me, and I end up realising each time that nothing good could ever happened to me, that nothing was there.
5. The only ones I considered to be my family are my pets which are dead since long time ago now.
6. I've never had a real friend.
7. I've never met a good person.
8. I'm starting to think that I'll always be like this; alone in the world, and no one caring.
9. My theme song is "Learn to be lonely", from the Phantom of the opera. It describes how I feel quite well.
10. I've got very few money.....
11. I'm severely ill. For example, I might need blood transfusion. I don't know if my health will improve, or what.
12. I've got nobody. Nobody to turn to, nor nothing.

So, for some of this reasons, I am depressed, low self esteem, and things like this. Another point:
13. I haven't had a childhood, and all the time of mine that has been taken away from me, I'll never get it. I'll never experience any of the things I've missed.

All of this is because of what they've done to me, this torture. If it weren't because of them, I could have done so many things by now....If only...
Being unable to accomplish my aspirations the way I wish I could have done, make me feel like a failure.
I've being told that is because I'm too good, and vulnerable...Maybe is that....
It's so sad, so depressing I've come to this point of finally saying, and finally telling this openly about how I feel.....But, not to a person, no. To a forum, in anonymous way, because I've got nobody.

After being teased for years at school for liking the 'wrong' things, I can relate to that feeling. There are times when I really wish that I didn't like what I do because then I wouldn't have people teasing me but there's also a part of me that wishes that I didn't care about what people think of my interests.

I was having a procedure at the hospital yesterday and because I was getting anxious, the nurse looking after me went to get my magazine off of my mother. She came back and made a joke about how she'd expected it to be a celebrity gossip magazine or something like that and was surprised to see that it was a computer magazine. I'm sure she was only joking but I took it to heart and spent ages thinking about how I'd like to be normal.

I am so f*****g extremely insecure. I just realized that my personality is fragile.

You are struggling with terrible feelings - this post made me quite sad. I can relate so much though - I've come to realize that meeting a good person in this world is almost like winning a lottery. It has been a rare occasion for me. I had met some nice people, but they have mostly vanished from my life (for reasons I can't understand and will probably never will) and I'm actually very lonely. I got used to it over the years, yet I'm not happy that way - but whenever I think I have finally found someone I can trust, something goes wrong to the point it's beyond my control.

I'm also very insecure, yet pretend that I'm not, because if you show your insecurity or "weakness" to the world, I have learned that the world (or the people, of course) is going to exploit them. Every time I couldn't control my sadness or expressed my true feelings, it has been used against me in the end. I sometimes feel that people are just eagerly waiting for that moment when I trust them enough to show my weaknesses, just so they can throw them in my face later. When they realize that I'm actually vulnerable, they don't show compassion; they back away from me (probably seeing me as "damaged goods") or see that as a chance to hurt me. I used to pretend I'm strong and tough all the time, yet after all those years, I'm SO tired of this charade and I'm not even good at it anymore. Sociopaths are those that gain all the glory in this world and I have to accept that I'm not one of them - what a tragedy.

I'm often struggling with feelings of being worthless - not being pretty enough, not being a good friend/girlfriend to someone, etc. - general feelings of "not belonging to this world". I used to feel so ugly that I wore makeup even when going to bed; I couldn't stand the idea of someone seeing me without it, ever. I often feel like I have nothing interesting to say, so I keep quiet - I used to communicate a lot over the internet, but even that became very tiresome to me and I often don't open my IM for weeks. I have tried to contact my old "friends", but it never goes well, even though everything used to be OK with us in the past and nothing bad happened between us, yet they seem to have their own lives now and my place obviously isn't there. Because I don't belong anywhere. I have been cursed by something mysterious. It can be a blessing (I'm not depressed all the time, sometimes I feel incredibly strong and powerful in my own universe) - yet right now, I really view it as a curse. I long for something I cannot name. Maybe it's… understanding. Yet trying to find someone's understanding seems to be a curse by itself.

When I think about it, I don't even like the fact that I was born as a human being. I feel like I have been misplaced on this planet by the Cosmos as a part of some cruel experiment.

I often hope it will be over soon.

Katja, thanks for commenting to that. I appreciate it.

Most of the time I struggle reaching out to people. The fact is, I struggle dealing with people in general. Always wonder why it is something happens or why it is that I suffer so much. Most of it is probably of my own doing due to being judgmental of myself.

I grew up feeling inferior, I was the eldest, but the one with the most "issues". I always had a feeling that my mother/father liked my other sisters more, that I felt like the mistake. The first child, the one they couldn't mold and control to what they wanted, so they felt like I was not worth investing in any longer. In the end, that's honestly probably just what I thought, but in all honesty I've burnt my bridges with them long ago with my now hermit-like tendencies and narrow interest in playing games. extreme discomfort of dealing with unfamiliar people, and terrible experiences in the workplace have made me afraid to try and re-enter. now explaining my past interest a little:

the only thing that made (at least my mother proud) was my interest in music, the fact that I loved playing, and would learn any instrument I got my hands on.I was playing since roughly 4th grade, though for some reason in high school my left hand freezes up and the doctor doesn't know what's wrong, and we didn't have the money to look into it further. It rendered me unable to play any longer. that was my center of interests, music. But at the same time I kind of lost what I wanted to do in the future. I just wanted to play, alternative interests in music careers did not interest me.

I ended up feeling rather lost in that regard. It all ended up leading to my (at the time) secondary interest.... Gaming. Probably a rather odd one for females, I was told that a lot by kids my age at the time. But over time especially once I reached my 20s, my now obsessive interest in gaming made me aware that I shouldn't bring it up to people. I had done so before and people just ended up rather avoidant of me. Probably because I really had nothing else to talk about.

Well that's just a little background of me and my interests at least.

In school I was of course in "Special Education" classes due to my inability to focus in class and generally being an annoyance to the instructor. in subjects i didn't care for, I'd be caught reading a book on something I was. I always took favor for classes like science, music, art, and eventually math, but then I hated writing, and especially history. Some aspects of history were interesting, but they rarely ever covered them.

I was bullied alot in school due to being involved with the "special ed" classes (and my height), though I never was the type to fight back, so it usually was one-sided. had my sketchbooks/music ripped to shreds, been kicked, punched, etc. Seems i was no longer classified as "female" due to the fact i had been significantly taller than my peers my entire life. At least that's what i thought. (I'm 6'1" now)

Never had many friends, generally if I skipped class I'd be found in the library reading whatever I got my hands on, from encyclopedias to fantasy novels. I assumed many found my difficult to approach, or no one found me interesting enough. I struggled a lot talking to my peers, though I wasn't nearly as over-thinking as I am now. But in all honesty, eventually I just found more comfort in being alone, even if that made me different. I didn't have to worry about my inability to fit in, and it allowed me to read as much as I wanted.

I had been misdiagnosed with ADHD which wasn't resolved till my 20s when they re-diagnosed me with AS. (though the psychologist doing the examination said, while I identify more with AS, that I also have traits of BPD)

Now after my massive wall of text of completely (potentially) irrelevant information, I've always had insecurities about myself. I never talk about my interests outside of people I know have similar interests. Which honestly makes me rather boring to talk to. People find that out very quick. I'm terrible at talking to people in the first place, and I always over-think everything. It pretty much affects everything I do. I'm too afraid to try anything new out of fear of failure. I'm a major procrastinator also out of fear of "if I try it'll not be good enough, but if I don't try it won't get done" but I end up running around in circles about it till it's eventually last minute and I end up rushing to get it complete. I'm afraid to talk to people out of fear that I'll burn bridges before I've even crossed them. I tend to be extremely quiet and never say much or if I feel some immediate connection through like if they have a similar interest, I end up talking too much that I end up scaring them off. *sigh*

I've always had discomfort in crowds, parties are never my thing. I also struggle to hear people if another sound is louder than they are, I've even had issues where I can't make out what they're saying and they're only in the next room and I'm washing dishes. People have always found that rather weird of me.

I am married (strange how that managed to happen, but I am happy it has, and I love him very much so I just hope I never bore/annoy him :< We've been friends for many years before we even dated, and eventually now married) ). I tend to ask if I'm doing something right (like learning a language, or whatever i was doing), I constantly ask people if I'm doing anything wrong, am I annoying them. I constantly am over-analyzing situations, that I end up unable to take part in the situation, or the situation has passed. I tend to be over-worried about performance even in my center of interest "gaming". I could be performing better than most people in what I'm doing, and I'd still think I'm doing something wrong or I'm not good enough.

I've been worried a lot in the class I'm taking recently (I'm learning Danish because my husband is danish and I am now living in Denmark with him, and part of the prerequisite of permanent residency is to be able to speak and understand danish to a specific level). Many times I've wanted to quit because I feel overly inferior to the rest of the people in my class. That I feel i'm learning too slow, that I'm not picking things up quickly. After I leave class for the day I feel extremely tired/exhausted. My husband tries to help by encouraging me, that I'm not as bad as I think I am, but i can't help but feel like I'm learning too slowly. I may be doing well in reading/writing but I feel I'm suffering terribly in the aspects of listening/speaking. And that feeling eats away at me in class, and at home when I'm trying to complete assignments.

My mother has always been annoyed at the fact that I no longer try to go outside and "try to make friends". She wants me to try and go out and do new things, but I'm always too afraid to do so. I don't even know how I'm supposed to make friends with my narrow interests, and even then not many females identify with my interests. Even then they more than likely would become bored since even then my interest in gaming has become fairly narrow too. not only that, most people who share my same "sex" I've never managed to like most of them since I don't share the same typical female interests. And befriending guys who like gaming ended up more of a hassle than not. I've made many friends online, but strangely enough my mother doesn't count those as "Friends".

My tendency to not reach out to people has also proven problematic in keeping friends. I feel if I try to contact them that I'll annoy them, so i feel if they want to talk to me they'd come of their own choice. But this of course has backfired many times.

I think I've written a novel at this point, so regardless if I had more to say I'll end it now, let me know if I can say more. And I apologize in advance if alot of it ended up being irrelevant, I just somehow felt it was relevant to say.

~Athena

I can see why, people are unlikely to listen, and if they don't even care about what you've got to say, well, better to keep it to yourself.


I'd been told to shut up-if I didn't I'd get in trouble-, no person has ever paid me attention....So, it's better to not say anything at all.


Me too.

I relate to the procrastination thing too.

Me too, but it wasn't always like that....That's something recent, I think. People have always mistreated, so, I've always end up blaming myself for their mistreatment. And, thinking so much about it, I ended up thinking and asking those kind of questions to myself....Too many bad people :/




Yes, and I've tried to reach out people too many times, and it went wrong-bad and wrong people-.

Those stupids who bullied you might have felt bad about themselves, and for that reason they had to make you feel bad through bullying. That's one of the reasons people bully. Another one is jealousy, and so on. I have read about that, and it's true. I'd like to add that there's nothing bad about being tall. I don't see anything wrong with gaming either.

Sherry221B: Thanks for taking the time to respond, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way in those situations, probably a contributing reason why I've found myself lurking the forums.

yeah i know there is nothing wrong with gaming, though I've found it to be socially unacceptable at my age. But I continue to do it anyways. Part of me thinks I should find a "new focus of interest" but my fear of trying new things gets in the way.

And I know that in regards to bullies, most of the time it's for them to feel better, but doesn't necessarily make them right in doing so. I've improved over time, but there are still several aspects of myself that I need to overcome before I can dig myself out of the massive hole I've found myself in. It's not so easy to just tell yourself "it's ok to fail", when you seem so hard-coded to believe failure is not an option. Been trying to overcome it, but it definitely won't be easy. Though the sooner I do, the better. So I can progress with my life in a more beneficial direction. :/ talking about it is so easy, taking action is the hard part though.

And I know the feeling in regards to reaching out to "all the wrong people". i've been taken advantage of too many times to count, many causing a lot of trouble for myself. It's definitely made trying to make "real life friends" more difficult.