Anyone here deal with miscarriage?

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My husband and I have a 2 year old daughter together and a few months before he deployed, we conceived our second child. I ended up miscarrying the baby and we are now waiting until the end of his deployment to start trying to conceive again.

I've found that I'm having a hard time completely getting over it. I miss my baby, as irrational as that is. I'm sad that we can't try again for a while because of the separation. And I feel this sense of vague bitterness towards pregnant women (particularly acquaintances and strangers-- I don't seem to feel bitter towards pregnant friends, only wistful). I feel horrible for being bitter-- obviously none of those women deserve my animosity. I'm just jealous and sad and I really want to move past it.

So what helped you move on? What helped you move past any feelings of resentment or bitterness if you experienced that? What helped you mourn and find closure?

Someone close to me had a miscarriage and had a very, very hard time for years afterward. She still is very saddened on the anniversary.

I think it is unfortunate that we have to qualify the statement that we are having a hard time by saying things like "as irrational as it is". It is not irrational, if it causes you to grieve, that is just the reality of it. You just work through the grief in your own way.

Many don't feel the same sense of loss, but many do.

You mainly need time. And for people not to tell you you are silly or demean you for caring about this. Also in my personal opinion it is counter-productive (and a bit maddening) for people to say -- "get it together," "pull yourself out of it," or "stop feeling sorry for yourself. "

Note, feelings of bitterness toward pregnant persons is also a common psychological reaction to someone who is in this situation and is having a hard time with it. It's not your fault, you're not selfish, silly, etc., and you're not alone. Time will help, I'm not sure what else, that's the only thing I know of.

I had one in 2009 and I was very happy and excited and always looking forward to it and then to find out at 11 weeks I had miscarried and it happened at 7 or 8 weeks. Now I don't get excited anymore about pregnancies and I just live like normal like nothing happened. I am currently expecting and I have no excitement about this baby. I just feel normal like nothing happened. I haven't even announced my pregnancy yet to anyone. Only my parents know and my husband and aunt. I just feel like it's no big deal. I don't feel sad anymore about my miscarriage. All those bad feelings did come back when I was expecting my son because I worried about having it again and it took me a while to get excited having him.

It's normal to feel jealous about babies and pregnant women. It was very hard for me going to work since there were two people at work who were pregnant and it was hard seeing infants in public and pregnant women and I felt like kidnapping a baby and raising it as my own. I even carried a doll around with me I pretended was my baby.

b_edward: I just feel a bit silly sometimes, that's all. I don't know. I mean, I have no negative judgement of other people who grieve miscarriages, but for some reason with me, I feel embarrassed by my grief. I think it's because it's not all clean and neat-- it's messy and there are some emotions that are less socially acceptable than others (like the bitterness).

It is getting more manageable as the weeks go by-- it's been a month and 6 days now, so the hurt is still fairly recent. I've had people tell me the whole range of inappropriate consolations: there was probably something wrong with it, at least it wasn't too far along yet, at least I'm still young and time for more kids, at least you already have a kid, etc. I appreciate the feeling behind the sentiment-- I know that they are trying to be comforting and uplifting, not inappropriate and harsh. It's just still hard to hear when it feels like people are insulting your dead kid. I just vented that to close friends and maintained a positive response to everyone, though.

But yeah, time is definitely helping. My husband left for deployment a week ago, so that's kind of slowing the healing process. We're doing our best, though.

League_Girl: See, that's what I'm worried for-- I know that with number two (because we want two, so we will be trying again for our second) I'm going to be so on edge now. My first child was perfect-- no problems, no complications at all. But we certainly won't be announcing until 13 weeks with the next one. We announced fairly early with this one, so when I miscarried I had to unannounced and it was one of the most uncomfortable, wrenching things I've ever had to do.

Yeah, I've been cuddling my daughter a lot a lot-- her affection and closeness helps with my grief. She's very loving and well-behaved, so that helps quite a bit. I'm looking forward to no longer feeling sad, or at least only feeling sad and no more of the tangential emotions that come along for the ride.

I lost it very early, around 6th pregnancy week, so dont know if I can really talk about that topic. Wasn´t really a baby then, had no "sonar"-picture of it or anything, but only a positive pregnancy test. I am sad about it, that the first time I felt so positive and optimistic, so it was that typical "sending partner photograph from pregnancy test into work" and starting to read about how to support the baby in the belly in the best possible way, what things I should avoid ...

That optimistic mood is now gone during my second pregnancy. So I am not haunted by the thought of loosing it again, but I know now, that it either will go fine or it wont go fine, and so I dont manage to get myself into that superhappy babymood. Just as League Girl described, you simply go one with normal life. I think it will become better again, so when doing my last "sonar"-check, you could actually already tell about the head and the body, and for 1-2 days I got again into that baby-flow. But now its troubling me again, because my partner and I are expected to tell family soon (normally you do here around 12 th pregnancy week) and I always have in mind, what I will do if we tell them, and then loose the baby one week afterward.

But I try to see the positive side...I think the more I struggle to be happy around now, the more I think I will be happy, when its finally there, and everything is fine.

One thing that has changed as well, is that I am now caring a bit less to be totally perfect (Not in a horrible way, but as example eating some oh so horrible raw cheese, that could theoretically carry Listerine - but from companies that I know, and that did not have any of such troubles the past 25 years.) while on the opposite my partner is now even more aware and even bothers about me drinking a glass of coke every three weeks. I did not do so the first time, but then I had more that believing, that as long as I do everything perfect, then there can nothing happen. And now I simply know, that you can do as perfect as you want, and still dont get guarantees, and it definitely wont go away because of a glass of coke every three weeks for being awake at our pen and paper roleplaying evenings, that are at least distracting me a bit from that topic.

I really think it depends on both how far along you were in your pregnancy when you lost it. And also - probably primarily - how much you thought of it and got attached to it as your baby and another individual life. That last bit strongly affects the first so they compound. The more you were attached to it along with the longer you were pregnant - generally that is why it can take time to get over. That is why those who never get attached to it, never really experience the grief or regret that goes with it.

I do not blame you for avoiding pregnant women or babies for a while. It's very common and understandable why you don't want to be reminded of it.

As for closure - apart from time - some women find that giving it a name helps. Or making something in honor of it. Planting a tree. Engraving a small stone or plaque in its memory. It's very individual, but a lot of women I know who have struggled with it afterwards need to give it an identify and recognition as a person or life before they can grieve properly and then find a way to move on. It doesn't happen overnight, it's more like a spiral staircase that goes up. They still feel pangs and feelings regularly about it but the intensity and frequently gets less the more you heal.

I had a very early miscarriage. Somehow, even though she was only a blastocyst, I knew she was going to be a girl and I was going to name her Julianna.

I had a son who died shortly after he was born, and Christmas is hard for me, thinking about all he would have loved (or imagining what he would have enjoyed.)

I found personally that reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," helped me. Someone gave me another book which I found to be horrible, and I destroyed but "Empty Cradle," was a comfort to me.

My heart goes out to you.

Everyone and their spouses/extended family deal with such loss in their own ways, so if you feel like you need to talk, or if you need to bury the memory, I think it's fine to do whatever you know in your heart is best for you.

Some people have said they feel better remembering the birth day every year, and having rituals to celebrate the life that we wish had carried on, but I am spending my life trying to let that day go by as just another day on the calendar. I hope the people around you support and respect whatever you need to do to get through your grief.

Right that's it, if I get pregnant, I'm not telling my partner I'm expecting until 12 weeks because I can't be bothered with him trying to control everything I do prevent miscarriage. He's the kind of person who I think would do that.

I need a coffee every day, damnit. If I have to give up smoking and alcohol because I've got a blobby lifeform inside me, at least allow me one damn coffee every day. You're allowed up to 200mg of caffeine, which is about two mugs of coffee.

Besides I WILL get the migraine from hell if I try to completely give up coffee (I drink coffee actually to help control the frequency of migraines.) I've given up alcohol, nicotine, even opiates before, but caffeine withdrawal is the WORST kind. Quitting smoking is about 10 times easier.

Someone will probably read this and tell me that a dirty addiction-prone person like me shouldn't get pregnant in the first place and I wouldn't totally disagree with them. Still if I ever believe the people who tell me I'm not too messed-up to have kids and get myself pregnant, then I'm going to try and not get excited until it's later on the pregnancy. I tend to think about all the bad things that can happen in any situation, as well. It sounds perverse, but knowing me, I'll probably assume that something will go wrong at some stage, even if it's just having a difficult birth.

Last edited by puddingmouse on 22 Dec 2013, 8:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I have never been pregnant but I never wanted to have children either so one time when the condom broke and I had to wait a day before taking the morning after pill, I got it in my head that I was pregnant and I bonded with this imaginary baby so much that I was sure I wasn't going to be able to abort it if it came to that.

moral of this story is that emotions are not supposed to be rational. you feel what you feel and you don't have to have a reason or an excuse for your feelings. you are just supposed to feel them


Be well.

I had a miscarriage at 23. It was very hard to get over, even though it was a bad, abusive relationship and I really did not want or intend to get pregnant.

The truth us, miscarriages are extremely common. There is no reason to think there is something wrong with you or that you caused it in any way. Sometimes the genetic replication process produces eggs and/or sperm that are just not viable. My mom had 3 kids and 2 miscarriages.

Anyway, the pain will heal in time. Allow yourself to a special treat daily. For me it was a McGriddle for breakfast for like a month. Treat yourself gently. Be proud of yourself for the small things like taking a shower and putting on clean clothes every day. When you are grieving these little things are more of an effort, and you should know you are being strong just making it one day at a time. And don't let anyone dictate to you how or how soon you should "get over it." Be kind to yourself and take it at your own pace, no expectations.

OP I hope you are finding some comfort by this time. Is your husband still deployed? Mine is currently deployed as well. We have had 2 miscarriages. The first was immediately followed by the pregnancy of our PDD daughter and the 2nd we found out had passed 1 day after my husband's vasectomy. Both were devastating. I still think about both of them (I'm "sure" they were boys, we named them Joshua & Josiah) and they would have been 6 & 3 respectively this month. Give yourself time to feel what you need to feel. Your baby was not just a "bundle of cells" it was another face in the picture over your mantle. It was a possibility. Your baby's life was important and has changed yours forever. It's okay to be sad about that. ((hugs))

I have two adult daughters and a 3 year old. My baby was an in vitro twin, and I lost her twin at 12 weeks. It was really hard for me, largely because with in vitro there are ultrasounds very early. At 8 weeks we went in, and you could clearly see him and hear his heartbeat. At twelve weeks, we went in because I was bleeding, and there was only one heartbeat. We were blessed and lucky that we didn't lose the other baby. I was devastated, and there's not a day goes by I don't think about him. I get jealous when I see women with twins, but I know in my heart he let go so he could let his sister have a chance at life. When I look at her, I see them both. I think what you are feeling is natural, and there's a grieving process.

(With trepidation - what if my kids see this?)

I am sorry that happened to you.

My wife had two miscarriages. The first one happened right when me moved into our new house, so it was sort of easy to get lost in figuring out how to take care of a house. We also starting singing in church together. The second miscarriage was after the birth of our first daughter, and she was taking all of our time anyways. Then we went on to have two more kids.

If I am laying in bed and can't fall asleep, or driving on a long trip, sooner or later the thought comes into to my mind, "What if ... ?" and I play it out, then tell myself, "but it didn't happen that way, so stop thinking about it."

I would have to say, that with your husband far away, it could be pretty easy to get lost down that path.

When I had a vasectomy, the doctor said it could be reversed with a 60% success rate.

I am so sorry.
My mom had five miscarriages after me. I am the youngest of my family and I have always wished for a younger brother or sister. I am not a mother so I do not know the pain of losing a child, but I do know the pain of losing younger siblings that I have never been able to meet. Mom mom lost twins 14 years ago when I was 4 years old. I remember going to the ultrasounds, and I remember my mom's grief when we found out. I even have a memory of the the doctor or someone saying that there was no heartbeat. This was 14 years ago and I was only 4 but there are still tears in my eyes while I am writing this. I know that my mom still grieves for them. It is only natural to feel that way. My parents gave every one of the children a name, and I think that this has helped my mom in the grieving process. The names have helped me too. I remember my siblings' birthdays every year, and my mom does too. Remembering their birthdays is not a "what if..." It is a remembrance of the precious live of your child. Please know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.