I need input from anyone who has insight. I feel like my mom exhibits behavior that is similar to that of ASD: childhood dyslexia, bulimic at 25, meltdown on a daily basis, and I've only ever seen her have maybe three temporary friends. We are estranged now; she has cast every last person in her family out of her life, citing different faults for each person. She is in denial there is anything wrong with her. She is on her fifth husband, who she met online, and in person for a week. I actually feel like BPD better describes her. Especially since she has never had a special interest, or a passion, and has never ever shown signs of high intelligence. Also, I feel like she has always been out to cut people down, something BPDs do, but not so much ASDs. She blames the world for everything, herself for nothing.
In contrast, I feel like ASD, not BPD, describes my characteristics. Though in a mild way. My meltdowns used to be as bad as my mother's, but at age 15, I faced the fact that I had an anger problem that I needed to solve. I wasn't in denial and I couldn't understand how mom could be, especially at 20 years older than me. At 19, I sought help, was misdiagnosed many times over, took meds that did nothing, gave up and pursued again and again. Also, forgive my self-praise, but unlike mom, I have exhibited high intelligence, creativity, and artistic prowess. I have my obsessive interests; I've been independently studying theoretical physics for the last seven years. When I tried to explain a concept to my mom, before we were estranged, I was surprised at how she couldn't understand spatial dimensions. Just the first basic three, not even hyperspace. I was getting to hyperspace, but gave up when I couldn't get her to understand that a cube is a 3D object comprised of six 2D faces. My NT husband got it, so it wasn't me.
Anyway, I've never had any other disorders, no eating disorders, no substance addiction. Nor was I dyslexic (but mom is left handed, I heard that's a factor). I don't know much about her childhood except that she turned into a rebel after her dad remarried. By contrast, I was never one to act out. But both my 2nd grade teacher and 4th grade teacher called home, concerned about how I seemed depressed, that I wasn't interested in socializing, and that other students had made me cry. No one ever said I had a disorder, but that was also back in the early 90s. I knew no one thought I was cool, and very few people wanted to be friends with me, even if I was kind. I just got the feeling that people didn't think I was cool. This was even before I started having meltdowns around puberty.
My sexuality is different from mom's too. She says she's always been straight, never curious. I was curious, but I thought it might pass. I've been attracted to both men and women, even recently, but as women have always been more hurtful towards me, I have never looked at them as potential partners unless I knew they were gay or bi. I've never been bullied by a lesbian, as far as I know, just by girls that seemed to view me as competition. The only bar I'm ever interested in visiting is the nearby gay bar on lesbian karaoke nights. I enjoy karaoke, and the ladies are all so friendly and welcoming!
Also, her grandmother showed signs of being "not right in the mind" in a hostile way, according to her sons. I don't know specifics, but it seems only the negative behavior in her and mom was noticed. Even I didn't pay much attention to how I was different from my peers except when it was an obvious problem for others, i.e. Only when I was agitated. And I'm not even sure if that's just because I learned bad habits from mom.
I never considered mom to be on the spectrum. And I have ruled out BPD for myself. The conditions have so much in common though. Is it accurate to say she has BPD and I have ASD? Or is it possible we each have a different combination of the two?
07 Jul 2014, 6:36 pm
