Sexual issues in committed relationship with NT

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I'm having a rough time. I'm in a long committed relationship with a male NT. But I really struggle with the sexual part of the relationship. I don't feel sexually driven (never really have). It is very overwhelming to me, a combination of sensory issues, impatience, lack of energy, and emotional drain. It's become a minefield in our relationship. He wants to talk about it over and over again and it makes me want to scream. The talking does nothing. I explain my issues over and over again but it doesn't matter. He might try to be more understanding briefly but the same old complaints come back every time. He's really upset that I'm sensitive down there and he wants to touch me or do oral but I hate how it feels. I am so overwhelmed and frustrated I don't know what to do. I feel exhausted just trying to keep up with normal life, let alone this. Does anyone have a similar experience or any suggestions? FYI "leave the relationship" is not the answer I'm looking for.

how about sex therapy? might help you both deal with things more easily. you would need to find someone familiar with autism, though.

I've thought about it, but I don't know if I can find someone with adult autism experience, especially for a female. I had a bad experience with the person who diagnosed me ... the "expert" in autism at that clinic who was condescending rude and completely ridiculous. Ever since then I've been hesitant to seek any counseling.

There are people in ASD spectrum who are simply asexual , have no sex drive , no libido and they are more into being involved in romantic relationship than physical one. It does not mean they are avoiding all kind of skinship.Do not force anything on yourself cause you might get more and more repelled by the though of any physical contact whatsoever , try to do research and get an appropriate advice. To be honest I have similar issue but it has never really bothered me as I am reluctant to be in any kind of close bonding relationship although lately I have been experiencing some kind of emptiness , loneliness but it is hard for me to tell apart which emotion is which . It is alright to be confused, the best way is to ask until you feel satisfied with an answer which might give you sense of peace.

Your situation is very familiar to me; sounds just like what my husband and I were like up til recently. My NT husband and I have discovered that I handle things better and have fewer issues with the touch defensiveness (and the whole boyd integration thing for me having to monitor him, do what I am supposed to do, and try to relax enough) if I am half-asleep. Not too asleep, but in those few minutes where I am drifting between sleep and awakeness. We don't plan this, but it just happens and he initiates the same way every time when I am half-asleep. (Other times is a different story.) It would be very helpful too if you could know that your SO accepts and is considerate of your preferences and needs, but it doesn't sound like that is happening as much as need be. Also, freeing yourself of your own expectations as to how much you need to do for him, and not feeling bad for not letting him do oral or whatever, helps too. You don't have to do everything that your SO wants to do. Sex is a two-way street.

We have been married 8 years, had a horrible start and just in the last year has sex become more enjoyable for me. I did things I didn't want to do before that just because it was what he wanted and it caused me a lot of emotional pain and made me avoid sex and made me really uncomfortable with him, even though none of that was really his fault. I still internalized a lot of hurt from him for what I did, making myself do things I didn't like or didn't want to do because I thought I was supposed to in order to be a good wife and I have a tendency to think he knew just how much it bothered me and that he didn't care. Don't do anything you don't want to do; believe me, it causes more problems later on than you want.

Being a good lover means being open and honest and setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries, too. It also means making concessions. So if there is a time where you actually want to do something you normally don't, capitalize on it by acting on it so that he can sometimes have what he wants. The more your brain and nervous system connect that you have control over what happens to your body in a positive experience, the more accustomed it will become to that activity. And there are some things you may never be able to tolerate or may never want to do, like oral sex, and that is okay. Your SO will have to accept that. There are probably a lot of things that you don't get from him that you really want, but you go without because you know it isn't something he can do and you love him anyway.

I also have low libido, but crave the romantic side of the relationship and the closeness. Problem is, it takes many, many years and some age for a man to accept that you lying against them or hugging them doesn't automatically mean you want to do it!

I also didn't know how worried I was about getting pregnant until after he got a vasectomy. Sex was a lot more attractive for me after that

I have found that knowing what I do enjoy and what I do not enjoy has been very beneficial. I, too, am sensitive and do not like much of the contact that comes with sexual activities, (ie: breath on my skin, saliva, kissing, feeling restrained, hair on my face, the smells, feeling too hot or too cold to concentrate, etc.) but, I have, with experimentation, found what I do enjoy and do not stray from that. I realized that I need "more" stimulation in order to orgasm and went many years thinking I was simply too sensitive and too insensitive all at the same time to enjoy this sort of complex interaction. I did, however, eventually find what worked for me through trial and error, as well as a bit of reflection on what it was that I definitely did NOT like.

Now, as far as communicating this with your significant other, I do not have the answer. It bothers my spouse that I do not like kissing or am maybe too mechanical in my sexual preferences, which he does bring up on occasion, but he still sleeps with me, so I imagine it's not THAT big of a deal. My hope is that he will get over that, or I will get over this, so I have the same hope for you in that respect.

I can't really imagine what it would be like to be in your position because I really love sex and intimate contact (with the right person) and find most sexual touch to be pleasurable -intensely pleasurable.

But I do understand what it's like to be in his shoes. I am married to a man who I suspect is on the spectrum and he clearly has some physical sensitivity issues around sex as well as 'hang ups' which seem more emotional/cultural. Unfortunately, he has not been sensitive to my needs or honest with me about his issues. It has been a great source of pain and longing for me. His lack of desire and frequent (sometimes cruel) rejections shredded my self-esteem. For me intimate touch with my intimate partner is a relationship need and not just a relationship want. After nearly 15 years of trying to make it work and being told maybe if I did this or that - I ended up having an affair. Without regret.

He is probably talking to you about this because it's an issue that still bothers him and we're all taught that communication is the answer to everything in relationships. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes there are some basic incompatibilities. However, you do need to communicate that this is the case. Maybe you have. But leaving him hanging on in hope for change is cruel. Complying reluctantly - which others have advised you against for your own sake - is also cruel. We 'sex people' don't want someone who will grudgingly give in - we want a partner to share pleasure with enthusiastically. Someone who wants us and who wholeheartedly accepts the gift of pleasure.

I know this is not the answer you're looking for. But I think it's also worth telling you that this is not something that he is likely to 'get over'. If you don't give therapy or other answers a fair shot (and it may not work) his resentment will grow and rightly so. And resentment is the number one killer of happy relationships.

Hey, RhymesWithOrange, I hope things are still going for you and your SO. Let us know if you like.