How do you approach no-strings-attached sex? (Non-explicit)

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I say this because I am a sixteen year old girl whose brother has attempted to explain to me what it's like to "be a man" by saying that his approach to sex and girls is "that is a candy bar (girl). I want it." And he won't necessarily buy the candy bar, but he is tempted by it.

He has also said that "with men", you will have sex with whoever is attractive if they asked.

I am confused, mainly because it's the same for me. I know of five attractive guys in my school who I'd have sex with while having little to no romantic interest in them. I would cuddle with them afterwards, but I just like cuddling. I would not want to date them, and if the first thing they said to me at a part was, "Let's do it", I'd say, "Okay". There are three girls I would also have sex with, but I am afraid of telling them.

Ladies, is this also your experience? Or are you more emotionally dependent on sex drive? However, I want to stress that whilst being feminine in style, being a "masculine" sexual dominant appeals to me, I have high spacial skills, and my brother is my twin, so I was in the womb with him and his testosterone.

First off, sex is riskier for women than it is for men. Not just pregnancy, but physical assault, STDs etc. There are also greater social risks for women who engage in casual, NSA sex. The double standard sucks, but it exists and you should be aware of it.

This will sound patronising, and I can't help it, but I will say it anyway. I also think that young people may not be fully socially or emotionally prepared for the risks and repercussions of sex, including the feelings of attachment which may (or may not) come from sharing deep physical intimacy with someone. So I would very much encourage you to wait until you are older before indulging in the pleasures of the flesh in a casual way. High school is not the place for this kind of behaviour. It's a weird kind of contained social milieu in which engaging in casual sex can have severe social consequences for girls.

The double standard for casual sex also hurts men. Men are also susceptible to emotional attachment and can feel kind of icky after having sex with many women in a casual way. But they are sometimes told they should not feel this way. I am older and now men I meet are much more in touch with this, have already experienced NSA sex, and now know it's not really for them.

On the other hand there is absolutely nothing wrong with having feelings of lust or desire for men who you may not otherwise wish to date. You just need to think twice about actually doing it. Do not ever feel ashamed about your strong sexual desires or your passion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with lusting after a man, so long as you can still treat him like the human being he is in other encounters. Men are not candy bars and neither are women. They are real people with real feelings. When you treat others as less than they are, it may hurt them, but I believe it diminishes your own humanity.

When you are older, you may wish to experiment with casual sex. It can be fun. For myself, I find though that sex is always much better with an engaged partner (this does not have to be a romantic partner). When you have some basis of an emotional connection, then you should experience more pleasure from giving your partner pleasure as well as the pleasure of the physical sensations (as should your partner). And more pleasure = better sex. Plus each body is different and each person has their own quirks, so you can take the time to learn how to have truly great sex with that person. For myself, the emotional attachment can make it even better, because there is emotional as well as physical intimacy. That being said, the best sex of my life has been with someone I didn't love. But I did (do) care for him deeply and while the sex was great during the first year of our relationship, after that it kicked into something truly transcendent. I've never had an experience like that through casual sex.

Whoa, stop right there...your twin brother is 16 and he's telling you what it's like to be a man? He is way too young to know.

I agree with what Elkclan said. Trying this out in high school could have devastating consequences for you. Give it some time. Find out some more about who you are and what you want first, and I mean *independent of your brother.*

Casual sex is risky at any age, and you need to have a lot of social savvy and shrewdness about it, which very few people have at age 16 (and those who do have it at that age are likely to be predatory and hurt the ones who don't.)

I can relate to what you are saying. I had a very strong sex drive as a teenager (still do but it is different now), and I felt like I was different from other girls my age, I felt like I had a more masculine sex drive. And I did not understand it when older people would talk about young women being taken advantage of sexually. Now I have a really different perspective, and I think I greatly overestimated my own maturity when I was younger.

I had casual sex a few times in my late teens and early 20s, and I regretted it. I thought it would be okay because I didn't have any romantic expectations, and I didn't want a relationship or commitment. But I found out I did have expectations of being treated a certain way afterward, of being treated with some basic respect and courtesy, and it didn't work out that way. Some people will do a complete 180 degree reversal of attitude after you have sex with them. You can't always foresee that coming, and you also can't really know for sure how this is going to affect you and how you will feel about it until it happens (and I mean - how it will affect you each time - because you could be okay with it in one situation and devastated in another). Even if you don't have romantic feelings for the person, it doesn't feel good to be treated with disrespect. And when a young woman has casual sex, it is very likely she will be treated with disrespect for it. It shouldn't be that way, but it often is.

On the other hand, you could end up with someone who gets emotionally attached to you and/or starts falling for you romantically, while you don't want to be involved with them. Or you never know...YOU might be the one who starts falling for the other person romantically. Feelings change when people have sex, and it just happens, it's not something that you can predict or control.

my approach to NSA or any sort of casual sex is "no" even when i was a teen (i only recently discovered that others are also this way and that it is defined as demisexual)

i don't judge others who see it differently but i do caution everyone that there can be permanent consequences to it. not just in life (pregnancy and disease) but also socially (this part angers me). males get judged for not having sex and we get judged for having sex (my first thought is of course "then who are the men supposed to have sex with since they are also judged for having it with each other?"). i am all for people being free to be who they are i just want them to do it safely for themselves and those they are involved with.

If I were to have NSA sex out of high school, any pointers on how to look for someone who won't treat me like a used Kleenex afterwards?

I have really enjoyed the NSA relationships I have had. All were men I was fond of but not attached to. I am also bi but not emotionally, and I have never had a standing relationship with a woman, sexual or otherwise. I do have several close friends I have fooled around with but I have not particularly enjoyed it because of the risk of damaging the friendship.

I would steer clear of this in high school. You will have plenty of time to play this game in college. Hang out at fraternities, find one that isn't full of as*holes (I hung out with Phi Kappa Tau) and take your pick. My college (a top-tier research university) was a free-for-all. If we weren't studying our asses off, we were partying and having NSA sex.

You do not have to talk to your future prospects about it and barring an STD, I would strongly recommend against it. My husband has serious reservations about my previous escapades. We would not have those issues if I hadn't been so forthcoming in sharing those experiences. My husband is the emotional-sex person in our relationship, and I am the high-drive one (reverse roles pretty much). We do not have nearly enough sex and if our relationship stabilizes I will seek a second, NSA partner... if it doesn't, I won't be married anymore, of course.

So it's possible, and I think probably very much more so because of the way my (our?) mind works somewhat like a man's with compartmentalization of emotion. I have also heard, and very much believe, that women have a far easier time with NSA sex than do men, but the stigmatism is cruel in that regard.

If you want to do this in high school, I have two suggestions. First, get away from your school. Find the local music scene or a pizza shop where young 20-somethings hang out, and start hanging around. They are easy targets and emotionally hands-off. Second, stick with the same person for a while. Don't just sleep with someone different each time. Regardless of how emotionally vested or void you are, the new interaction each time is exhausting, and you won't get to experiment enough to figure out what you like.

If you really feel that you need to explore this now, "practicing" with other girls in high school is not uncommon and perhaps a good place to start and a more relaxed way of learning to please yourself and others. Men/boys will not always be interested in your satisfaction. Plus, no guy minds hearing about the ladies together!

As far as nsa sex, btdt. I dont need an emotional component. Honestly, most of the sex ive had is bc ther man wanted it. Nowadays, this is just a hassle to me. Im sexually attracted to very few men. Then with tge sex theres the hassle of finding one wjo is good in bed, doesBt gave std, isnt lying about marital status, and on. I mostly have sex with myself lol.

This is nsa sex, not dating or romance. If im having nsa sex, i wouldnt expect to be treated as anything besides an object.

It wont always be like this, but this is my mentality going in. I had one guy want to date, but that was a nuisance.

I think elk clan was right about the risks, and I agree Darlius (the second poster) your brother is still a boy no matter how much you look up to him.

I have had no strings attached sex in comparison to sex with my fiancé it wasn't physically satisfying (but I didnt know that at the time). I ended up getting hurt. I am nieve, and overly sensitive.

Hi,

I've always had a high sex drive and could not understand why it was such a big deal. The weird prohibitions and double-standards seem like cuckoo talk to us because they aren't logical. Sex is fun and it feels great! I should also point out that I got pregnant in high school (because babies are a common consequence of sex )

I read this and thought, what do I wish someone had explained to me when I was your age?

We live in a world full of illogical, emotional people who will project their fears and insecurities onto us when we don't follow their "rules". It isn't fair, but it is true. If you have a lot of sex, people will probably judge you and call you names.
I think it is important to recognize that. Personally, that didn't change my choices, but being judged and denigrated (by dumb, mean people, but it still hurt) had an impact on my self-esteem even though I knew intellectually that they were hypocrites at best. This led me to not always put myself first and end up doing things I didn't really want to do just to please some boy.

What is most important is that you never do anything you don't want to do. Never put anyone else's desires ahead of your own feelings and needs. If you follow that rule, that means birth control and protection (condoms) from STDs. That also means that you can feel like doing it one day, but not the next - or stop in the middle if you want to.
No one gets to badger or guilt you into doing what they want instead of what you want. I wish someone had convinced me that I deserved to put my health, safety and well-being first. It would have saved me a lot of bad experiences.

My brother will not have sex with any female he finds attractive...to him it really is a special thing to do with someone he really loves. Now me and him have friends who sleep around, and they say similar things about being willing to sleep with whoever they find attractive who consents.....but my brother doesn't. And well I am not very good at relationships....I've had sex, probably would be more likely to have casual sex than my brother but with me its not something that really means anything, it can feel good but it doesn't make me feel attached to the person I do it with per say.

Your post has attracted sound advice from varying perspectives.
I'm sure you are aware there are websites dedicated to people looking for NSAS.
If you want to avoid being treat like a used Kleenex after sex, surely you should discuss how you want your relationship with the person to evolve following it. Sadly, this is no guarantee. If you want NSAS you have to weigh that desire against the possible negative outcomes and be mentally prepared for the aftermath.
I struggled to take advice in my teens. I listened but couldn't understand until I lived it. It would possibly be an eye opener for you to enquire: how many women regret sexual partners?
What age women feel they were ready for sex with the benefit of hindsight?
How many people they know who managed to lose the tart label from high school in adulthood?

P.S. I've tried to resist but I cannot resist saying - nooooo, you're too young, enjoy your childhood as long as you can, masterbate instead. If I knew where you lived I'd likely be at the door with bubble wrap

The Milkman is right -- masturbate!

It turns out that this is among the most calming things we can do. I can't seem to find the research article (which is very dry and technical, so I know we would all love it!), but the release of oxytocin helps with anxiety and stress, particularly in Aspie girls. When I look back, I can see that I was seeking distraction and relief more than I was "looking for love".

When I was 14, I was already "slu*ty" and this very sweet 16 year old girl took me aside and tried to explain to me that my virginity was a "gift" for me to bestow on the right, deserving boy. She meant well, but sounded like a crazy person to me.

(I'm not going to go into all the strange, sexist, NT contradictions about how my body is somehow "for" someone else. I assume that y'all understand why that wouldn't make sense to me).

I think what we are all trying to say is that these are your choices, but reminding you that choices have consequences, some of which, at your current stage of development, can't fully understand or predict yet (not that we ever fully understand!).
When you are 16, your brain is telling you that you are invincible (it might be worth reading about brain development - I wish I had, then I could have used the information to address potential deficits and make better decisions). Lack of experience and adolescent brains lead to riskier behavior (hence, higher auto insurance rates)

I really appreciate the responses on this thread. Very honest and nonjudgmental.

Your only 16...don't let hormones and boys talk you into future regrets.

It doesn't seem like it now, but I can promise you there will be regrets. Sex is not a "no strings attached" situation. There are always strings attached. Wait! I can't tell you what to do, but I know that it is better to wait. Wait for someone who will love you for you. Someone who will buy (marry) the candy bar and not just sample it until it is used up because that is what sex with no strings attached is. It is you getting sampled by people until you are used up.

Used up emotionally and physically. Wait... Wait for the right person. You deserve that. Your worth that. I know you want to probably try everything because I was 16 too and I know what it feels like to want to understand what sex is (though I didn't because was scared to do it), but I promise you it is so much more rewarding if you wait. You and your future husband will be glad if do. You are worth being than a "no strings attached" sex toy; used only for pure amusment.

Please don't do this if you are under the age of consent in your state. Another words don't land a 20 something in jail because he is an easy target. And trust me a lot of men are easy.

You are at an age where you may feel mature enough to have sex without strings attached. Key word is feel. Yes, you may be mature in a lot of ways, but the fact that you are asking this question shows that you are still mentally young (not a bad thing). Sex is so much more than just the act. As a woman in the making, you are much more prone to diseases during sex, because of your female parts.

Your body may look and feel mature but your still young and impressionable. Sex is nice and it feels good, but the feeling is temorary. As a woman, during sex you allow someone to enter you. The act itself enables someone to physically penetrate your core. That penetration is not just sexual, but also a mental and emotional act. Why let someone do that for just a few minutes of temporary fun. It will leave you unsatisfied if it is a no strings attached deal.

At 16, you can meet people anywhere. You can get sex whenever you want it; your a female. The question is: Do you feel mature enough to handle the troubles that "no strings attached sex" brings?