I have my assessment in 3 weeks and im nervous

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I wish i was on here when I was going through diagnosis last year. Your stories sound just like mine... a hard process that took months, doubt everywhere, the few people who knew about it constantly speculating, then some of them not wanting to believe the results...

hang in there! either way, you will learn something about yourself, and it'll be a step in the right direction. keep us posted.

How is it going? We were supposed to go through the diagnosis process together. Remember?

I had my third assessment yesterday. We talked about sensory issues and how I usually deal with people. In the end the doctor said "The question is not if you have Asperger - because you do - but how to deal with it's effect on our life". So I quess it means I am diagnosed - but I still haven't receive any document confirming it so I am not sure.
Next appointment in 1,5 month. I wonder what will happen ten.

hey kiriae! glad to hear you have some answers. in my case, i had a follow-up where they went over the results in detail, discussed areas where i could use support, etc. they didn't schedule the appts that they promised in a timely fashion, so i have yet to see anyone about that (i ended up needing emergency surgery while on vacation, got stuck there for a month, then had to move in with family for a bit, then moved out of the country for a year... will be back soon & hope i can pick up where i left off!). So--maybe you will get your paperwork, official report, recommendations, etc. then? not sure how it works where you are.

how are you dealing with things emotionally? relieved? upset? a combination? do you have supportive friends/family who know? have you told anyone?

best wishes!

It was not a surprise to me. My grandma "diagnosed me" with AS when I was 17 year old(when she first heard about AS), I self diagnosed myself 2 years ago, and got half-officially diagnosed a year ago by an autism specialist. I went to this doctor just to make it official and get differential diagnosis in case the suppose is wrong. Although I don't think it went that way - I just told him I probably have Asperger and after 3 meetings he told me it indeed is Asperger. He never mentioned any personality disorder etc. so perhaps it's not over yet. As far as I am aware I will still have to met another doctor in this office(psychiatrist) with the results from this doctor(psychologist) so maybe the other doctor will make the differential diagnosis?

But my emotions are a mess.
If I were to name whet I feel now I would probably say: guilty and upset.

I used to survive by thinking that everyone feels the same but deals with it better so I must be strong and don't give up because only weak people and spoiled brats give in to the weakness. I never considered myself weak so I forced myself to stay sane no matter how hard it was to me (and getting meltdowns whenever I ended up trying too hard, lol).
Now when I know what is wrong with me I realized it is OK for me to do weird stuff like covering ears if it helps me but it is still emotionally painful because I consider it unfair that I am forced me to deal with things that require me using such copy mechanisms and at the same time I feel guilty that I use mechanisms that I learned to suppress all my life "because it is weird, embarrassing and noone else does it".
I guess I need to find a balance. Learn to forgive myself for slacking some of the rules I become bound to.

Fortunately my mom is supportive to me although she often forgets herself and for example tells me "Stop doing that, it's embarrassing." when I start fidgeting with some stuff I am holding etc. She needs explanations of why I do stuff which isn't easy to explain because there is still a lot that I don't understand myself.

yeah, i can see where you are coming from! i struggle with a lot of the same things myself. I often tell people now that I listen much better if i am not making eye contact and if i can fidget with something in my hands, and that seems to help. when i need to function in professional or public settings, i try to come up with ways to cope that are less obvious, or i try to plan ahead (save up spoons, so to speak!). little things like sunglasses, noise cancelling headphones, and stim toys help quite a bit (check out stimtastic.co if you haven't already! some of those are quite discrete).

It is really hard to explain and defend your diagnosis to people when you're still working through it yourself. I got so frustrated, i handed a friend my diagnosis paperwork-not something i would normally do, since it had some embarrassing details and insights on there. I'd try to study on your own a bit, then share a good resource you find with your mom. that's worked much better for me!

one thing to remember is that autism is NEVER "less than" normal. your brain is wired differently than a neurotypical's. you sense things stronger (some researchers say light & color is brighter to us, and i've had tests done that demonstrate that i can hear softer, higher, and lower pitches than what is given as normal human range... there are a myriad of other senses, too). we tend to have a unique perspective... i've made a career out of noticing things & making connections others miss. I'm sure you have talents like that, too! the problem isn't that we are "weaker", nor is it that we have to be "stronger". the problem is that we deviate from the norm, and the world is designed for the NTs. so coping mechanisms are really about finding ways to operate in that alien planet. One of the best things for me lately has been spoon theory (if you don't know about this, definitely look it up!)... learning how much energy different things will take & how to plan for it. I often think that self-care is being lazy, wasting time, being weak... i tell myself to just get up and get to work. However, that really is more harmful in the long run--I'm working on scheduling self-care, making it a priority. giving myself time to indulge a special interest (or however you recharge). giving myself mental health days when I can & when the social anxiety is too much & i can't bear the thought of going out. don't think of it as weakness, it's a productive activity that helps you be the best you can be!

since i was diagnosed as an adult, i understand the frustration with feeling like it's not fair. i should have known sooner, maybe things would have been better. people assume that bc i went so long without knowing, i'm not really autistic. i've developed some very BAD coping mechanisms, which sound like yours. I tend to internalize my father's criticism: i'll tell myself i am lazy, i just need to try harder, i need to suck it up and deal with it, that sort of thing. so my biggest struggle with autism is really with myself, to recognize those strange ideas in my head, challenge them, and eventually let them go. I don't have all the answers, but I have a very good friend who will call the minute she senses I am being overly critical. she helps talk me through it & logically work through each of my crazy, self-deprecating notions. and that helps tremendously. If you can find someone to do that for you, i highly recommend it, even if it is hard to open up at first. if not, you might want to write down some good questions to ask yourself in your more depressed moments, or inspirational thoughts that you collect. we tend to be MUCH harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else.

And if you are having one of those down moments, feel free to PM me! I usually jump on here at least once a day (at worst, once every two days). I'd be glad to talk specifics with you! Just know that you are not alone--many of us are going though this or have already come out the other side!

Thanks.

I had no idea about the spoon theory but I am aware of my limited energy and I am used to watching it's levels. I imagine it as some liquid in leaky container. The liquid leaks out steadily when I am calm but leaks faster or slower depending what I do. I can fix holes with some activities but some activities instantly suck out huge amounts of the liquid.

Today I was feeling fine till I went shopping with mom.

I was still fine in the first shop but I was checking my energy levels because I knew I have to stand a second, more troublesome shop(it has a history of being a trigger of my shutdowns/meltdowns but it's favorite shop of my mom so I have to visit it if I go shopping with her).

Then mom said she wants to go to one more shop. I checked my energy level, figured it's getting low but I am still good enough to stand one more shop except the hard one and said "OK, but make it fast because I am getting hungry" (my energy drops the faster the more uncomfortable I feel and hunger is a uncomfortable feeling).

Then mom said she wants to go to one more shop. I said "No. I am hungry." but she insisted. I had no choice. In the shop my energy started to drain fast - it was almost 40*C in our car and a little less outside but just 24*C inside the shop so I was cold in my light clothes and cold is the most uncomfortable feeling for me (I can easily stand heat but cold makes me depressed really fast). The shop was also huge and loud because of people and air conditioning. And there was nothing interesting for me there so I couldn't distract from being uncomfortable. I had to ask her 3 times to hurry up before we left the shop.

On our way to the last shop I had to browse my bag for food. I found a chocolate candy so I could at least stop the hunger before we got to the worst shop although I knew it won't last long.

Surprisingly my energy level didn't seem to drop as fast as it usually does in this shop: They turned off their air conditioning system which is the biggest struggle to me. Usually it is loud, causes uncomfortable wind that moves everything around causing visual clutter and makes the shop music too loud because they want to cover the air conditioning sound with the music. This time it was loud but manageable. I was able to stand in the shop longer than predicted and I even managed to call my friend to ask her if she wants me to buy her a rare thing I found.

But that was it. Phone talk in a loud environment was more than I could stand. My energy got drained. I tried to do something more but all I managed to do was walk pointlessly in the shop while waiting till my mom finally decides to go home (I tried to ask her to hurry up but she was just answering "soon").

And in the car I was so tired my eyes were closing and head falling down despite the fact I woke up just 6 hours before! And after getting home I was really irritable. It's a bit better now though, after 5 hours of browsing the net in silence of my warm room - apparently sleep is not the only thing that lets me restore. But I am still feeling very tired and I am happy it's finally sleeptime.

Wow! I'm glad you managed to get through that day... sounds like you have learned a lot about what drains you & what it takes to restore your energy. I think I may start carrying a snack or two in my bag, since it seems to work for you! I can see temperature changes being a problem with me, except I'm the other way around... I about die in the heat but love the cold (yet I feel more comfortable wearing a sweatshirt or jacket or something no matter what the temperature... i read something by an aspie who called it her "armor" against the crazy world, that resonated with me!). It's kinda fun how we are all different, but have so much in common nonetheless!

Your mom sounds like my dad. he just INSISTED that we go out to dinner for my birthday. I get that he is trying to be nice, but I hate loud crowded restaurants, especially when I'm already burnt out (had an international move last week, took more than 48 hours to get from point A to point B, jet lag, etc.... then had to take care of 3 kids ages 2-6 at a zoo in the heat for hours! then this "birthday" thing). I tried to ask that we do a nice dinner at home, or try it another night... but no luck. I'd received some stim toys in the mail, it actually really helped... i could fidget under the table without distracting anyone. barely ate, though... too stressed and anxious. but family things are rarely about the person that is ostensibly being celebrated (funerals are for the living, weddings rarely end up actually being about the bride, so i suppose that my birthday isn't really about me! )