Being yourself

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After years of trying to pass off as normal yet always being aware that I was somehow defective or inferior, it was a huge relief to find out I had HFA. So now I am at the stage where I want to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be 'normal' and 'socially acceptable', and just allow myself to be me and live life on my own terms, yet I don't even know where to begin! I feel this need to act normal is so ingrained into my life and personality. It feels like a huge tangled web I need to unravel. While acting normal has helped me to get along in some respects it has left me depressed and in turmoil inside.

Has anyone been through this? Do you have any tips or insights? Has anyone gone through this process and reached a place where they are comfortable with themselves and the life they are living?

I've been through this somewhat. I used to idolize other women who I thought were perfect but I gave up because I realized Aspergers or not I should be myself. My advice is to find stuff that makes you happy. I love clothes and makeup and while that used not to make me happy I realized that I can create my own style rather than obsessing over the clothes that other people wear. Do you have hobbies?

Thanks for your reply Zeromancerlove. Thinking about what you said, i've realised I'm perfectly happy being myself when i'm alone, no issues there. I have heaps of hobbies that keep me amused. It's just when I'm with other people that I instantly slip into "people pleasing mode" and I really want to stop doing this but I don't know how! I think it might be an assertiveness issue. I don't know how to assert myself, and I never even try.

This problem keeps popping up so you're not alone. I remember, years ago, long before I got any idea I may have asd, I was already aware that I can only be myself if I am alone.

Now it's much better, I was on a date yesterday and I'd say I was myself all the time, but the guy already knew about my possible asd.

Just keep asking yourself who you are and probably telling people would also help. If no one knows you won't change your behaviour.

I am where you are at, only without the diagnosis. I'd say, listen closely to those who know you and love you the best, especially anyone you have about you who has been there with you through a tough time. And, be careful about what you take in from anyone who does NOT meet that criteria.

People are not always truthful, and in fact much of their interaction with others is about manipulation rather than communication. If you have a close friend or relative that you know has always been honest with you, lean on them hard during this time. They are your best asset.

I am not autistic, but have some traits. I have always been socially rejected and still am, to a large extent. For some reason, it's really hard for me to get along with other NT women, even though I have tried my darndest to do so, and am NT myself.

Well, I am finally at that point where I've stopped craving acceptance, and am just happy being myself, saying the things I want to say and doing the things I want to do. I realize that trying to fit into groups, trying to "please people into accepting me", trying really hard to be someone I am not, eventually ends up backfiring. I get exhausted, emotionally distraught, and just angry. Then I blow up and undo MONTHS of people-pleasing aka ass kissing.

Well, I just finally realized that I didn't have to have that enormous social circle to be happy. I also learned that most human relationships are quite superficial and most other people also have only a few others that they can REALLY trust and count on. So do I, so I just no longer feel compelled to be a part of some herd somewhere. No longer give a rat's ass if my neighbours are getting together to have a tea party, or go out together on moms' nights out, or that the other moms at PTA don't really "include me" or that my kids' teachers don't seem as warm towards me as they seem to be towards the other parents.... it's OK. Not a big deal.

As long as I am happy, my kids are happy and I am able to get my job done as my kids' parent... the neighbourhood social cliques and the PTA and everyone else can go pound sand. I am happy the way I am.

To my own self I am finally true.

Find one or two people who you can trust your life with, and that's all that matters. Most people - IMO - don't DESERVE to be pleased. Just remember that every time you feel left out or compelled to win some favour with some random dame just because of X or Y or Z.

I'm struggling with this in kind of a different way. I used to be myself all the time, until I was nearly 30, because I had the social awareness and self awareness of a rock. I seriously thought everything I did and said was fine.

When I didn't understand someones reaction, if I even noticed they had reacted, I thought they were just being irrational and silly. Never occurred to me that any normal person would have understood.

I got so much wrong, very very wrong. And genuinely had no idea, totally clueless.

So now that I know I probably misinterpreted every social interaction for most of my life and actually I'm the one who doesn't get it, I'm realising there is so much I don't know, nothing makes any sense and every social encounter is confusing as hell.

I can't be myself, NTs get annoyed trying to communicate with me and I frustrate them until they can't tolerate me any more.

But if you are more socially capable and can have relatively normal social interactions then, yes, they should be accepting and meet you halfway so you can let down the guard a bit.

I want to reply to this but words aren't coming easy. In fact I'm a bit irritated thinking about this. It's sad that there has to even be a thread about this, that we have to feel like we can't be ourselves. That we are shunned for who we are. I guess my only suggestion is to let a little of your real self out at a time in public situations until and build it that way. Start with something little. Like for me, I moved to a different culture and there are a ton of different social rules and people are way more reserved and judgmental than I am used to. I used to be comfortable wearing PJ bottoms to the store late at night when picking up a few items. Here that doesn't really happen and people look at your like you're a piece of trash. So something small for me to do for an example would be say screw it and wear the PJ's to the store. So think of something small and try doing that - something that is you.

I guess I just don't get people. I've had a friend the last seventeen years that was always a little quiet, odd and nervous. To be honest I just figured that was how he was and accepted him. In my brain I really can't comprehend why others can't do the same and just accept people because they are different and don't follow some made up social rules to the tee that gods knows who made up in the first place.

Hi, Ilovesnails.

I understood that I actually have been felt the same problem as you for long time when I knew the fact that many women with AS have some high ability to pretending be overly normal to fit in, from many books and Internet.

In my case, I can be myself in my family of origin or otherwise alone, when I barely speak and show no expression even to family members. I don't know the reason but assume that I have had a fear for other people, even including my family. In part it could be involved with the features of AS, the difficulty in social relationship. Since my childhood, when I talk to my friends from school I forced my face into a smile and laugh excessively because I thought I had to avoid being considered dumb and getting bullied. I didn't know how I should express my emotion and mimiced behaviors of other girls or animated characters. My family member have become upset because I am good and warm child only for other people. I have always been exhausted by the time I reached my 40's.

Recently I have been trying not to be overreacting and not to pretend normal. Being a reserved and reticent person may be generally OK. One important thing I think is in some particular social situations, such as at my work place, I have to be pretending a NT because I must survive in this NT society. At present, I can not find in what extent and when I have to do so and this could be a risk to me. But I will find a good balance between my true self and pretending self soon. I think it's OK to fail several times.

Ilovesnails, I want to hear about your story from the latest post. I hope you are going well.

Hi.

I am new here, and reading through peoples posts, when I came across this one.

I do not have a formal diagnosis but score highly on the main Simon Baron-Cohen test. Even higher than my son who was formally diagnosed with Asperger syndrome 2 years ago, when he was 13.

I think a way to be yourself is to begin to like yourself, faults and all.

If your ASD or NT, you are you. We all have strengths and weaknesses. If you don't like a particular weakness in yourself then try to change it to suit yourself. OR learn to accept that everyone else also has various weaknesses.

I like myself, and often see my differences as amusing and quirky. I also surround myself with people who get me, or can accept my quirks. Open minded people.

I was raised to accept people as individuals regardless . And treat people as they treated me.

I expect to be treated as an individual and treat people with respect. If they don't do the same then I am happy to propel them from my circle or deal with them as little as possible

I accepted a long time ago that not everyone will like me and that is absolutely fine as long as they respect me and treat me fairly.

@RenaeK - I have had such a similar experience in my life. I always assumed that people felt and thought the same way as me, and after learning more about ASD in the last three years, I've realised that most people don't think the way I do, so I've also had those awkward realisations about interactions I've had in the past.

On the topic of being yourself... I think that some degree of "trying to fit in" is healthy, and self-improvement is a lifelong pursuit for me - there are things about my own personality that really bug me - I can see how they would annoy others, and they annoy me! (Like always wanting to *improve* things around me, which comes across as criticism or negativity; or quoting movies etc instead of trying to construct my own ideas into spoken words) So I don't want to be 100% my "natural self" if it means just giving in to those ingrained habits that I would prefer I didn't have. But I also don't agree with trying to fit the mold of other people's expectations if it doesn't fit with who you are.

Be the self you want to be.

It's common for NT people to urge you to "be yourself" or "just speak your mind" but then when you do, they don't like the way you've said or done it. It's a balancing act

Thank you so much for starting this thread! I am struggling with this right now, and have only begun to try to address it. It's helpful for me to read other people's posts, I hope people keep posting on this thread. In avoiding one kind of strain by learning to mimic and live in the NT world, I have now come to realize that it is causing a lot of internal strain. Before I thought, yeah, that's fine, no pain no gain, I thought it was all good - but recently the scales have tipped in the other direction, and I think the overwhelming strain has burned me out and maybe even made my cognitive and functioning skills lower from exhaustion, along with anxiety and some mild depression. Basically, I can't keep going in this direction, I need to redirect in a more healthful way. I feel hopeful that this will lead to a happier chapter in life.

I hit a rough patch a few years ago, and to make a long story short I had to address the cause of the anxiety which was leading to reactive depression. (I consider myself to be BAP)

So I stopped trying to be normal, noise hurts me, and I started to frame my attempts at desensitization to noise as physical self harm, the same for hating my brains weakness in executive functioning/negative messages that I had internalised since childhood, I viewed them as psychological self harm, making myself go to crowded places, another form of self harm, and so forth with all the maladaptive coping strategies I had developed over the years. They all became bad habits to break and replace with healthy habits to assist my health and well being over the long term.
I had to take this approach because I had spent decades trying to condition the oddness out of me, I still listen to music loudly, but I raise the volume slowly and start off with very gentle music, I dont call myself stupid when my brain wont cooperate, I take a break to relax because I know thats what is necessary.

I want to accept myself as I am, not as I should be, which is easier now, because for example I understand why I couldn't hear what people were saying in noisy group situations, or why I practiced lip reading despite having excellent hearing, for three decades contradictions like that confused me. I can name the experience now and understand why its happening, I know my can'ts from my wonts, being aware of my actual strengths and limitations allows me to treat myself more respectfully.