Is Intercourse Satisfying?

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I was asking Esme. I know where you stand on this issue

(By the way, Ann, have you ever read J.D. Salinger's short story "To Esme, with love?")

No, I'll have a look for it.

Well, I do not know you well nor do I know of your difficulties or how high your functioning is, so it may or may not work for you but like I said, for me it was very difficult at first. If you can, it really requires you to play the nt game of body language and facial interaction. They are very big on eye contact, to the point where it is almost impossible to 'hook' a friendship with an nt without it. I studied and tested this thoroughly, so of course I made many mistakes and found myself in many intensely awkward exchanges.

And it is exhausting at first. but with practice, it's as if you can strengthen yourself in it like an athlete can in a sport. like an nt studying maths who initially is easily exhausted by it, if they practice enough they become a little bit stronger.

So I strengthened this part of myself bit by bit. there are so many things to think about, like how long is appropriate to hold eye contact, when to smile, what to say and when to say it. the main things I think they require is eye contact and facial expression exchange, it's like expression tennis with them. for a friendship to feel meaningful for many people they seek displayed empathy and that can be as simple as repeating back to them what they just said but slightly reworded, with a little nod and a smile. then they know you have received what they have said and they find it comforting. i know for us this particular thing feels pointless, but to them it means a lot.

this all comes naturally to them and doesn't seem to really tire them out. it seems like hassle, but it is worth it. and you wonder 'why can't they love me and accept me the way I am'? well I figured while people studying, that there is a place inside everyone that does want to accept and love, but without those exchanges, they assume that we don't want to. without those displays of expression and returned empathy, our intentions or need to bond, goes right over their heads.

so, perhaps all I have just said was stuff you already knew and if so, I can accept that. it's ok, killing a little time, because I know how it is to feel lonely and I absolutely hated it, before forcing myself into this stuff. just trying to help. i can give more info too if wanted.

let me know if you want some links or otherwise google 'counselling skills', because basic counselling skills are great to learn as basic tools for interacting meaningfully with people. that gets the ball rolling.

it all feels very silly at first, but once the 'game' is being played and you bond a little with people in an nt fashion, it is extremely rewarding and comforting. it makes life that bit more fulfilling. it is definitely worth it.

Androbot is a very bright woman.

My strategy for eye contact is quick eye movements. I make eye contact but can't maintain it. I keep my head in a position so it is facing the person though. It works okay.
I also use the repeat and nod tactic when being confided in. It's gold. I have to say though that I have been on the receiving end of silence when having said something I felt important and I felt unheard.
It is worth it. Just a pain that it's so unnatural.


Can I use that as my tag and quote you.

androrobot01. your strategy is similar to mine

Of course.

Sharing is caring, in all directions.

After a few hours I am usually wiped out and need a break from social situation figuring.

Sure Ann...of course!

I just wanted to qualify my choice, I chose option 2 because it was the closest to how I feel but really my answer is that intercourse when combined with oral can be satisfying sometimes under some circumstances. I have to be in just the right frame of mind and even then sometimes I just can't relax enough to find it enjoyable. Frequently it's just mechanical, sweaty, sticky and icky and somewhat boring. However, I love my husband and he likes sex so I'm quite happy to oblige, after all I'm sure he puts up with things for the sake of our marriage as well.

I can't stand a man going down on me. It's icky. Don't do that even with my friend. However, I'm not in a particularly sexual frame of mind right now. I'm taking so much medication I can barely feel anything and I've got a lot on my mind. Lately I find myself offering to perform oral sex on my friend instead of having sex. I'm just not interested.

Is this the same guy?

I don't know about this Ann. If you are not in the mood then don't have sex at all.

I know you see this as a reciprocal, but you expressed unhappiness at this sort of arrangement before.

People can form whatever arrangement they want. I'm social libertarian. Just wondering if you are falling into the same cycle. Are you going to get what you want out of the arrangement?

Yes it's the same guy and the same situation. I guess I get what I need out of it in some ways. I just can't see sex as anything more than an assisted bodily function.

Lol, I like that explanation.

No, I've never had any desire for sex. As a child I had a curiosity about the scientific aspects and later on the psychological ones (I spent a lot of time reading up on Freud). But I never wanted to be physically involved myself. If someone told me I could never have sex again then it wouldn't bother me.

I have tried to find men who feel the same way, but they are extremely rare. I met and dated one briefly, but he said that dating me 'fixed him' and after a year he decided he wanted a normal sex life. I have resigned myself to the fact that men will want sex in return for their company and affection and I've decided that's a fair price.

I wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't like to have sex.

This is because sex was forced upon me against my will a couple of times.