How did your relationship change after diagnosis?

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Hello girls

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now, and I have recently told him that I think I might be autistic. He knows that I am going to see a specialised psychologist in March to get a diagnostic evaluation to see what is up with me. Now, I am glad that I will finally, hopefully, find out why my life has been such an emotional struggle for the past years (may or may not be autism). At the same time I am very much afraid of the consequences that getting an autism diagnosis. I know that a label won't change me, but I am afraid of the implications it might have. If I am autistic, fact is that I might not be able to work a fulltime job in the future (I am already about to quit my internship that is 32 hours a week), that I might not be able to have a job that suits my cognitive/academic skills simply because the impairments autism gives, that I might be more prone to bouts of depression and burn-outs, that I might not be as flexible as others when I am feeling stressed, that I might have trouble (eventually) combining motherhood with running a household... you name it.
I talked about this with my friend and she said that he doesn't deserve me if he calls it quits because of this. Rationally I know this is true, but I also know that humans aren't rational beings.

I am really curious to know about other womens' experiences with this. Did your relationship change after you recieved your diagnoses/found out you were autistic? How does your partner deal with your autism-related issues? For those that don't have a (full-time) paid job and are at home a lot, while their partner does work a proper job: How do you deal with it? What does your partner think about this?

I hope everything works out smoothly for you! If he already has gotten to know you and loves you for who you are, then hopefully it would be a smooth transition....anything you find out would hopefully just help you be the best person you can be (even if that means accepting some limits/modifications), so ultimately it could make the relationship better. But I understand the fear. I don't know if I am on the spectrum or not, and hesitant about testing. But I have mentioned it to my husband, jokingly and seriously - there were some times that I think he was maybe slightly uncomfortable, but he already knows me and accepts me so fully, that I don't think it would be a problem. It also "helps" that he's not the most regular guy out there - in fact, he was the one who was flagged as possibly autistic when he was a child. It kind of makes sense that the kind of guy that would commit to me is already a bit used to my "quirks" and issues and may have some himself. I hope that it is the same in your case! Sorry I didn't have more solid experience to share.

I don't have relationship change after a diagnosis but my fiance' and I on our first date. I told her that I was on the Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger's) and she 100% accepted me. Nothing changed, she didn't look at me differently because if she did today we wouldn't be living together and engaged.

If your relationship has been constant and they know you for who you are.... a diagnosis shouldn't change a thing. It's a name... it's not a personality/behavior change. So nothing should change and I hope it doesn't. If anything should change is acceptance for you and in different areas of your diagnosis. What I mean by this is 1. My fiance' knows I need white boards to remember things. She even writes down food I have in the fridge or appointments on the calendar. 2. When we are out and the music gets too loud she understands that I need to leave or we need to put in ear plugs. That understanding is needed.

My marriage fell apart a year before I was finally diagnosed, but the diagnosis helped me to accept that it was for the best. I'd spent a lifetime trying to be something I'm not, going against my instincts, trying to fit in - and the diagnosis helped me to understand that I'm simply not cut out to be a highly social 'trophy wife', and that's okay.

I don't have diagnosis but ever since sharing what the doctor suggested (getting tested for ASD) with my husband, he did some reading and now when I do things he will point out whenever I do something he thinks fits the profile. It's really annoying.

I married at age 19 and now at 33 I realize that I am either autistic, or have a great deal of traits that cause challenges. I also had a daughter at age 18. Having a dx will be of great service to you in your relationship. The problem that I constantly came up against was not realizing that I was having overwhelming sensory issues. I thought my issues were due to "mental illness." As a result, I would become an absolute wreck nearly every weekend. If you find that you are autistic - or even have many traits that make life a challenge, you can absolutely adopt ASD strategies. For example, with the realization that I will never "overcome" my sensory challenges, I can now carefully plan my day accordingly. In addition, you will have knowledge that certain situations / people / jobs will not be tolerable for you. Or perhaps tolerable at the same level. For example, you may be able to go to a party with your s.o. but you may need to leave after a short time, or employ other strategies. It is important that an s.o. accept this and help problem solve. For example, maybe your s.o. can help you plan relaxing things to do after the party and understand you may need some time alone to unwind. As for worrying about jobs, etc., I highly recommend you read autism - positive books, such as those written by Temple Grandin. You must focus on your strengths. Please understand that there is quite a bit of overlap between certain "mental illnesses" and ASD. So if your official Dx is not ASD, some strategies may still be useful. My recommendation would be try and see. Also, at the end of the day, ASD Dx is a judgement call and sometimes professionals get it wrong. I hope you find answers, good luck.

My wife stopped thinking there must be something wrong with her or that I didn't love her enough when I didn't intuitively get what she needed. Now she tells me what she needs (usually) and I do my best to help her.

She was already very helpful with giving me squeezes, etc and already supported (ish) me using sensory toys. I guess she is even more open to them now.

I do worry about my future and I work - I know she worries that I will be slow to get a job once I leave university and is a bit put out that I've had to extend my course by a term. I don't think the diagnosis changed that, though. I'd always hoped I'd 'get better' but she thought that even if I did 'just' have mental health problems... I'd come so far and having been so abused it was entirely possible that I would never reach a stage where I considered myself to be a 'full person'. (She is quite adamant that I'm already a whole person.)

She does get frustrated with me at times but I think all people in relationships do. She is more understanding that I struggle with tidying up and gives me clear instructions. She sends me texts to remind me to eat.

I think it's been a bit of a mixed situation since my diagnosis. One the one hand, my partner doesn't get so angry or frustrated when I miss things or don't understand, but also I feel like he is quicker to attribute any problems or stresses I'm having to AS rather than exploring other causes. All in all, it's been positive; I feel I can be more myself with him and less ashamed of some of the odder aspects of my personality. It helps that he sees the funny side of some parts too: for example, when he has a haircut, I can't look at him for a few days while I adjust but thankfully he finds it funny/cute rather than rude.

Well, I was diagnosed when I was 12. I can't remember when I told my current SO but he cared so little that he forgot and was surprised when I told him again when he was diagnosed last year. It's hard to say how both of us having AS affects our relationship, we definately have our own communication style but it works for us

I am happy to read a positive response from most people. Seems like most of your partners understand, or at least try to understand your ASD.

My special someone already knows about my diagnosis because we met on this very site! We're planning to get married eventually.

My husband understood some of my behaviors better. I talked about what socializing was like for me, from memory of past similar incidents, etc. I talked about my sensory issues with greater clarity as I gained clarity of myself from learning about women's traits, especially those diagnosed later (I was 40. I have a diagnosis that I haven't made official on my therapists advice since Im in a custody battle with a nasty ex) and the differences between NTs worlds and ours. I was surprised to see how many things I experienced that NTs don't and explain to my husband of 8 years what I experience. Where he was mostly put out and resented certain things, like my overwhelm in public and having to do things like grocery shop and finances on his own, now he understands that it's not a choice I'm making, or trying to, "get my way and make him do everything". He also knows that when I make inappropriate comments in front of others, that it's purely unintentional and has sort of become my social guide. He is a very likable and fun guy in public and that has a lot to do with the narcissistic abuse he suffered growing up. He has a remarkable ability to never say the wrong thing or offend anyone. Granted, the only communication he grew up with was total manipulation and the fear of doing something wrong. It still serves as a very useful social guide. I just don't lie about things, like he does. He is also very good at pointing out how I am coming across to others and has filled me in on things that puzzled me my whole life, like being considered a know it all. I have felt pretty incompetent actually in so many areas, but confusingly I am very intelligent and never knew why I couldn't do some things. He respects my limitations better and doesn't take things personally so often, like my need for alone time. He knows a lot of things aren't about him now.

My husband became more understanding of how hard social situations are for me and he now lets me just kind of be his shadow. LOL, when I lived in China, people thought I was such a good wife, following mutely three steps behind my husband I'm 63 so either of us could kick the bucket anytime now. I guess if my husband dies before me, I'll just become a hermit.