Bullied by Family Members over the Way You Dress?
Dione
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 23 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 194
Location: A house in a galaxy far far away

i'm the oldest sister of three. the middle one sometimes tells me i look awkward or something but she's chill. the youngest one is more like my mom in how she's started to shame everyone else in the family (including my father) for what they're wearing, but she's also in her freshman year of high school so i give her some slack and brush it off.
MY MOTHER though, she always has something to say about my appearance, usually of the snide variety. when i was living with her she would actually throw clothes away if she deemed them unworthy without even telling me. she's also very against holes and paint stains and such things, which is an inevitability for me but also part of my personal style. beyond clothing and shoes, my hair and skin is a likely target. even deeper than that, my body shape and fat distribution is game too. i'll always remember when i was just a kid doing gymnastics and she told me to tuck my armpit fat into my leotard so the judges wouldn't think i was fat. comments like this were a daily occurrence throughout my childhood and teenage years, and even as an adult whenever i go to visit her i can expect some comment about how my body is and/or what i should be doing to "fix" it. it sucks because i think she's projecting her own insecurities on to me and my sisters without realizing the damage.
Yikes! One sister finally began to understand after seeing images of others in my career field. The other is NT and thinks ND people need to change to fit in or be ridiculed. My mom did the weight thing too. When I was 10 she called me a tub of lard and constantly pointed out the cellulite on my thighs because I was 4'9" and weighed 79 lbs. It continued well into my teens and 20s. While I'm not in the best shape of my life, I am a size 10 or 12 and my weight will drop as I get a job with more physical activity as part of the job description, thus making me a bit more comfortable again.
I'm very much the same way. I don't wear makeup (don't even own any-- went on a tear and bought a kit a couple years ago, two months later I gave it to my teenage daughter who uses it more than I ever would though she hardly wears makeup either). I don't shave my legs. I shave my pits and trim the topiary, and that's all I'm ever apt to do. Makeup and leg-shaving make me itch. I am not willing to invest several hours of my time every week in making myself itch.
I guess when I grow a 'stache I wax it. Maybe. I now have 3 witch hairs in the vicinity of my chin. I tweeze those. Once in a while I tweeze my eyebrows. A little bit. Sometimes.
I live in jeans and t-shirts. This is an improvement over when I had two preschoolers and an infant. Then I lived in sweatpants/pajama bottoms, and only donned jeans to leave the house.
I own three dresses: One for fancy events, one for weddings and funerals, and one t-shirt A-line that belonged to my stepmother that I wear around the house when it's horribly, horribly hot. My husband calls it a muumuu and hates to see it. It reminds me of Momma and makes me feel a little like I'm standing in her footsteps, and it's the only dress I actually like to wear.
I was lucky. I did not catch a lot of crap from my family. I got the whole "bull dyke" thing at school (mostly behind my back, though, because I had a really cutting tongue and cousins that liked to fight, carried a big backpack, and read books about war and people in high school were afraid of me). That was about it. My mom bought me frilly things when I was little and kept trying to do stuff with my hair, but she was also kind of a Free To Be You and Me liberal type so mostly she left me to my jeans and hi-tops.
My dad dressed the same way and hated shopping. He didn't care. He liked the fact that I was quick and cheap to dress (especially once I started living in the flannel button-downs he'd outgrown-- this was the Grunge Era). He liked the fact that he could give me $40 and sit on a bench outside Goodwill, and I'd come back an hour later with all my school clothes for the year.
My grandma was big into unconditional approval. Not the best way to raise an ASD kid, but also not the worst.
My mamaw made excuses for me ("Oh, it's just because you never really had a mother" but she was very kind to me and loved me all the same-- loved me best, my cousins all say) and tried to get me into lower necklines and padded bras, but Daddy pretty much made her accept that that was never going to happen.
My aunt and cousins did pretty much the same. They knew better than to make fun, but they were forever trying to get me into "sexy girl clothes." I had NO desire to be a "sexy girl." I DID NOT like what happened when I dressed "sexy girl," and besides that I felt stupid.
I get flack from my husband sometimes. My interests, bearing, and overall demeanor are also mannish but I'm 100% sure I'm a biromantic heterosexual. He's less harsh with feminine girls, and occasionally gets mad and tells me I'm trying to compete with him as a man. That either makes me feel really bad about myself, or makes me think his balls must be stuck on with flour paste.
If he wants one (he says he doesn't), he can go get one. And then HE can do all the construction, and all the mowing, and all the burying dead cats, and all the plumbing, and pay for expensive clothes and make-up and perfume and mani-pedis, and probably deal with jealous woman s**t.
I'll pass on all that and stay me.
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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
I think my mother would rather I dress down and look bad, so she can feel like she looks better than I do. It was no accident that she scratched my face when she attacked me last year. I really hate how she looks me over and measures up my appearance. She tries to cover it up but it doesn't work and it's very insulting. Her sister is worse, not even any effort to hide it or be polite. She will tear me down, then she will preen in front of a mirror or fish for compliments for herself. Last time she started touching me and pointing out problems with my skin. I cannot believe how she acts, or how my mother gets even worse than usual around her, and all the crazy little games they play. It's amazing, they can actually compliment how I dress but do it in a way that insults my body, my face, my hair, my skin, everything about ME that I cannot change easily like my clothes. My grandmother was really blunt about insulting my appearance, so I can't even imagine how she treated them or what taught them to act the way they do.
i obtained some gorgeous harlequin stockings that fit me well, though it's pretty funny seeing my thick leg hairs through traditionally feminine clothes.
mother saw them and stared at me in disbelief. my earphones were in, taking them off i heard that she would get a skirt for me and see if i wear it. and then she left.
i hope it is purple and white.
considering her health, job and all the rest that's happening in her life, i'd imagine there are more important things to worry about.
otherwise, i never buy clothes for myself. i hate clothes shopping and i wear the same 5 shirts 90% of the time. that bothers her too.
_________________
הייתי צוללת עכשיו למים
הכי, הכי עמוקים
לא לשמוע כלום
לא לדעת כלום
וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.
^^Aww. Hugs for you:
^I'm the same. I have one pair of pants that I wear all week, one set of pajamas, and a couple favourite shirts.
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mother saw them and stared at me in disbelief. my earphones were in, taking them off i heard that she would get a skirt for me and see if i wear it. and then she left.
i hope it is purple and white.
considering her health, job and all the rest that's happening in her life, i'd imagine there are more important things to worry about.
otherwise, i never buy clothes for myself. i hate clothes shopping and i wear the same 5 shirts 90% of the time. that bothers her too.

I hate clothes shopping too!! ! So much UGH. I recently sliced my wardrobe down to size. I have about 5-10 shirts, but some rotate out with the seasons/weather. and like 1 pair of real pants, and about 2 skirts for hot weather and 2 for cold weather. Then I have lots of jackets (I get either hot or cold waaaay too often and so change frequently). and like a million socks... I really like socks...
I despise shopping. I hate it to death and back- always have, it is a huge assault on my senses.

it did? well i'm glad.
i should probably follow in your footsteps... but probably when my dad is back at work so i won't have to explain to him why i'm taking a big bag to goodwill.
i'm quite fond of my own jackets, it was just this month that mother nature forced me to stop wearing them, out of fear of contracting heatstroke, or dying of dehydration from sweating way too bloody much.
i'm a fan of anything that looks like this.
_________________
הייתי צוללת עכשיו למים
הכי, הכי עמוקים
לא לשמוע כלום
לא לדעת כלום
וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.
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